Mean when he's drunk; Mean when he's sober

Old 02-15-2010, 02:22 PM
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Mean when he's drunk; Mean when he's sober

He says hurtful things. When he's mad, he spews out all the hurtful remarks he can think of. When he calms down, he apologizes and says he has a bad temper. He says it was because of this this and this (all things I did) that made him say those things. The trigger for him getting mad, is me being hurt. I cry or become sad and say I'm hurt; he takes that as a failure on his part and becomes angry. I'm "accusing him." I don't really ever get that wonderful thing that happens when a person gets hurt sometimes - a partner that comforts me. It's always about him.

I took him back. I spent another few days with him. On Valentine's Day, we had a great day, he ended it by saying something so sooo hurtful. It made me feel so bad. I still feel bad. When he said it, it was on the phone, he sounded like he'd been drinking. I asked if he was, while I was crying. He became very angry and said no. I didn't believe him and told him so. He started cussing that I was calling him a f&@king liar. I said I had a reason to since he just lied last week about drinking. He cussed and screamed and said horrible things. But what I couldn't forget, through all his deflecting, was the hurtful thing he said that he can never take back.

He says he's a bad communicator. He says he didn't mean the things he said when he was angry, he was just mad. He says he sorry.

After everything, I get it now. It really doesn't matter why he said it or whether or not he apologizes. The truth is, being with him makes me feel bad about myself. Being with him makes me feel a lot of bad things. Drunk or sober, he can be mean. Drunk or sober, he can be manipulative. Drunk or sober, he is selfish and not there for me. Whether he's drunk or sober, I have to do the best thing for me. He's hurting me, when he's drunk and when he's sober.

All kinds of guilt comes from just the thought of leaving him. I don't think I'll listen to that anymore. I won't listen to him anymore.

He drank. He lied. He hurt me. Just because he's sweet and charming sometimes doesn't make it ok that he's that mean sometimes. It's too mean. It's too hurtful.

The way I feel when he talks to me that way, when he lies to me, when he says hurtful things, I feel like I want to hide. I feel like I want to pack up and run. And keep running and running. I want to hide from him and I want to hide from the part of me that says, "but he needs you. but he's trying to hard. but it's not his fault that he behaves this way. he can't help it. he really does love you, even if he does hurt you. you shouldn't abandon him. you shouldn't stop believing in him. he needs you. he really really needs you. what will he do without you?"

I'm going to run. And I think maybe it's ok to hide for a while too.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:30 PM
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You can run AND hide. From him - just not from us and YOU.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my stbxAH was so hard to live with and why I always felt so alone with my pain. Was it because:
he was an only child and never learned how to get along in a family?
because he was spoiled by his mom?
because his dad was so hard on him?
because he is an introvert?
because he bipolar?
because he is anxious?
because he doesn't have any sisters and doesn't know how women think?

believe it or not, it only recently dawned on me that he is alcoholic.

but even that didn't matter.

The only thing that started to matter to me was this:
Who cares why?
My children and I don't deserve to live like this and I am not going to mistreated anymore. period.

It was a revelation.

Good for you for looking after yourself first.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:33 PM
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If you take a drunk jerk and clean him up and get him sober, you're still stuck with a jerk. Some people are just jerks, whether they're drinking or sober.

So, you took him back and now you regret it. That's okay. You can change your mind. Sounds to me like you have a very good reason to do just that. Don't listen to voice that says he needs you. He doesn't. He's not trying so hard. Yes, it is his fault that he behaves that way. Yes, he can help it. Love shouldn't hurt. You aren't abandoning him, you are saving yourself.

You deserve so much more than what this guy gives you. He sounds extremely selfish and hateful and he doesn't deserve you.

((((HUGS)))) Keep pedaling far, far away from him.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:34 PM
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Stella, was he extremely nice and sweet to you sometimes? I don't read a lot about that aspect of relationships with alcoholics in the threads. I mean, that must be one of the reasons we stay right? We hope it will be that way all the time, if we just stick around for a little longer? I can feel so happy and connected to him sometimes. But then he changes, and I feel so bad. It's really an emotional yoyo. All the time.

Thanks for the response.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
You aren't abandoning him, you are saving yourself.



((((HUGS)))) Keep pedaling far, far away from him.
I'm going to keep repeating this to myself over and over.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
Just because he's sweet and charming sometimes doesn't make it ok that he's that mean sometimes.
Exactly!

L
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
Stella, was he extremely nice and sweet to you sometimes? I don't read a lot about that aspect of relationships with alcoholics in the threads. I mean, that must be one of the reasons we stay right? We hope it will be that way all the time, if we just stick around for a little longer? I can feel so happy and connected to him sometimes. But then he changes, and I feel so bad. It's really an emotional yoyo. All the time.

Thanks for the response.
Not recently, but we have been married for 15 years and dated for 3 before that. Obviously when we dated he was lovely. And he was a great husband through much of our marriage.

But once we started having children and the pressures of the real world and our work and finances started to mount, he started drinking more and behaving worse and lost all tolerance and decency to me.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
But once we started having children and the pressures of the real world and our work and finances started to mount, he started drinking more and behaving worse and lost all tolerance and decency to me.
That was my experience, too.

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Old 02-15-2010, 02:56 PM
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oh, keeppedaling, sounds so, so hurtful to expose yourself to this. like you just show up and someone rips your skin off or something.


i think you just had a moment of clarity.
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:00 PM
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That is verbal and emotional abuse and it wont get better just because he stops drinking IF he does.
You might want to read up on it in the stickies.

Good grief, we don't allow our children to act like that and make excuses or look for reasons..we put a stop to it, don't we? We let them know that is NOT acceptable.

You do not deserve ANY of the mean things he has said.

I am so glad you will be taking care of yourself!

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Old 02-15-2010, 04:02 PM
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Hey KP, that is verbal abuse... and it is madness... unfortunately their rage gets bigger and bigger because one is refusing to be a doormat or put them first... they LOVE to be first...they cant survive if they are NOT first...because then ALCOHOL doesnt win you see??

The only way to win is NOT TO PLAY! NONE of what he said is about YOU, ok?? KP? it is ALL about him, he hurts so he wants you to hurt. And he succeds but I hope not for long and you stay away. And yes, I get wonderful moments that suddenly turn horrible...that is JEKYLL AND MR HYDE...

And no, Jekyll shows don't make up for the Hyde moments, and if you stay there is more and more Hyde and less Jekyll. Because that is who they are for real... that hurting person inside who doesn't know how to handle emotions or issues... and all the alcohol in the world, drugs, sex or whatever won't change any of that... maybe not ever in their life...

Sorry to sound like this but it is good you realize who he is now that you still got health and future and everything going for you... go No Contact... No contact.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:14 PM
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As live said, this is the very definition of emotional and verbal abuse and yes, it normally gets worse...usually when the woman expresses needs of her own or when she stops catering to his every whim. Yes, they can be very charming, full of remorse and apologetic...this is how they keep you under their control. THIS IS THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. It does not get better, it always gets worse. As Stella and LaTeeDa said (which was also my own experience) that when the children come along and/or even when the relationship has just moved out of the honeymoon phase and become more "normal", the abuse escalates. Again, these are times when the focus is taken off of them and on to others who have needs to be met. Abusers do NOT like that!

KP, this guy just sounds like bad news. I hope you can keep all this in mind in the coming weeks and stay strong. We're here for you.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:18 PM
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I just feel really stupid for not listening to everyone in this forum sooner. You all knew what was going to happen and I didn't listen. I thought he'd be different. I really thought if I offered love and support, he'd relax and be happy...enough to not be quite so self-absorbed and be strong and there for me too. Stupid.

Thanks for being so patient with me.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:25 PM
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Another take on it is our partners are not emotionally resilient.
They don't handle stress well.
They devolve in times of stress to more base behaviors.
Defense, addiction, abuse - whatever their coping (or non-coping) strategies may be.

Specifically, emotionally resilient people tend to:

* Have realistic and attainable expectations and goals.
* Show good judgment and problem-solving skills.
* Be persistent and determined.
* Be responsible and thoughtful rather than impulsive.
* Be effective communicators with good people skills.
* Learn from past experience so as to not repeat mistakes.
* Be empathetic toward other people (caring how others around them are feeling).
* Have a social conscience, (caring about the welfare of others).
* Feel good about themselves as a person.
* Feel like they are in control of their lives.
* Be optimistic rather than pessimistic.
Introduction to Emotional Resilience - Introduction to Emotional Resilience And Resiliency


My husband is lovely when he's not under stress.
He knows he doesn't handle stress well, but he also is unwilling to learn new coping mechanisms.
Que sara sara.

I continue to remind myself that it doesn't matter the reason.
I just have to deal with the outcome...
or not.

w
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:29 PM
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You are not stupid! And you deserve kindness!
LOL..I know I learned all my lessons through DIRECT experience and rarely on the first or 10th time...
that's okay. I wanted the right things but didn't have the clarity of mind and heart to sort through the rubbish.
You sound down on yourself, please don't let his ugly words get you down like that.
I was with an abusive guy, I understand. I got to where when he was spewing garbage I would say outloud over and over...what you say is a reflection on you not on me...
I didn't help the situation, I still needed to get out..but I did need to reject those ugly black hurtful things that came out of his mouth.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:33 PM
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Great list Wife. I should get that book.

Thanks Live. It's hard not to let what he says affect me, even when I know it's wrong. I'll be ok though.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
Great list Wife. I should get that book.

Thanks Live. It's hard not to let what he says affect me, even when I know it's wrong. I'll be ok though.
not a book, as far as I know. Just a website with a free article.
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:31 PM
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I know how you feel Pedaling!

I felt exactly like you. I want you to know that it gets better. I finally made the decision to really commit to no contact...and I cried for dayyyysss because I didn't want to. I asked my A if he wanted me to leave him so he could drink. He said yes. So that plus many more times around again....Here I am.

You can do it! I am learning so many things about myself already! I'm not going to lie its very painful, but it gets better everyday. And I need to fix MY HEART. I think you should do the same. This person has hurt you.

The one thing that keeps me going in knowing that one day when he stops he'll realize all the pain he has caused....and as much as I try to point it all out to him now, he doesn't want to see it. And its not my job to shine light on people who want to be in the dark.

So nurture the person that deserves it. You.

It gets easier. And I literally repeated that line to myself. "Just because I'm detaching, doesn't mean I don't love him." It helps. You feel guilty probably because him manipulating you is the only way he knew how to keep you. Sad isn't it?

We're rooting for you. Come to this side of the bridge!
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:54 PM
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It really doesn't matter why he said it or whether or not he apologizes. The truth is, being with him makes me feel bad about myself. Being with him makes me feel a lot of bad things.

Keep this focus on you, honey. That's where you do have control, where you will find the answers that work for you. It is truly the right path, to take care of YOU, not him. Sweet or sour, he does not bring joy to your life, and I believe joy is what we as humans are meant to enjoy here, not pain. Choose joy. It's out there. Keep reading YOUR words. They are very powerful, especially because YOU learned them for yourself, not by just reading them here. Sometimes you do have to walk the walk, experience the pain, to truly learn the lessons.

Now try to maintain this healthy, forward-moving thought process. I found looking at myself in the mirror and saying outloud, "You don't have to live like this anymore. You don't have to live like that ever again," really helped me keep ME in the forefront, instead of "him".
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:57 PM
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Thanks MaryGoRound (love the name). He really never does seem to realize how hurtful his actions are. I have a hard time understanding that because I get it when I hurt someone. I keep operating with my own sense of logic. He operates with his. The logic of an alcoholic escapes me I guess. I don't get what he's thinking. I don't get how he processes things. I thought love would prevail. I can't remember who wrote this in my last thread or two, but it was "Alcohol trumps love every time" or something like that. That seems to be true.

I thought he loved me in a way that would cause him to make unselfish decisions sometimes...like people do when they love.

I keep thinking about how overwhelmed I was with fear when he drank because I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to be lost. The thought of it makes me so sad because I really care about him. It's hard to walk away from him because of that.

Have to though. "Saving myself doesn't mean I don't love him."
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