Mean when he's drunk; Mean when he's sober
He says hurtful things. When he's mad, he spews out all the hurtful remarks he can think of. When he calms down, he apologizes and says he has a bad temper. He says it was because of this this and this (all things I did) that made him say those things. The trigger for him getting mad, is me being hurt. I cry or become sad and say I'm hurt; he takes that as a failure on his part and becomes angry. I'm "accusing him." I don't really ever get that wonderful thing that happens when a person gets hurt sometimes - a partner that comforts me. It's always about him.
I took him back. I spent another few days with him. On Valentine's Day, we had a great day, he ended it by saying something so sooo hurtful. It made me feel so bad. I still feel bad. When he said it, it was on the phone, he sounded like he'd been drinking. I asked if he was, while I was crying. He became very angry and said no. I didn't believe him and told him so. He started cussing that I was calling him a f&@king liar. I said I had a reason to since he just lied last week about drinking. He cussed and screamed and said horrible things. But what I couldn't forget, through all his deflecting, was the hurtful thing he said that he can never take back.
He says he's a bad communicator. He says he didn't mean the things he said when he was angry, he was just mad. He says he sorry.
After everything, I get it now. It really doesn't matter why he said it or whether or not he apologizes. The truth is, being with him makes me feel bad about myself. Being with him makes me feel a lot of bad things. Drunk or sober, he can be mean. Drunk or sober, he can be manipulative. Drunk or sober, he is selfish and not there for me. Whether he's drunk or sober, I have to do the best thing for me. He's hurting me, when he's drunk and when he's sober.
All kinds of guilt comes from just the thought of leaving him. I don't think I'll listen to that anymore. I won't listen to him anymore.
He drank. He lied. He hurt me. Just because he's sweet and charming sometimes doesn't make it ok that he's that mean sometimes. It's too mean. It's too hurtful.
The way I feel when he talks to me that way, when he lies to me, when he says hurtful things, I feel like I want to hide. I feel like I want to pack up and run. And keep running and running. I want to hide from him and I want to hide from the part of me that says, "but he needs you. but he's trying to hard. but it's not his fault that he behaves this way. he can't help it. he really does love you, even if he does hurt you. you shouldn't abandon him. you shouldn't stop believing in him. he needs you. he really really needs you. what will he do without you?"
I'm going to run. And I think maybe it's ok to hide for a while too.