iwantcontrol

I seem to have got myself into an impossible situation again. I’m actually really worried about me, not just ABF anymore. I was so full of hope for last week, trying to make it a ‘me’ week and trying to detach etc, but it all went wrong, very badly wrong. I feel like I’m trapped and i can’t see how to make things any better. The thing that makes it even more confusing is that after a really awful end of the week, we had a great weekend together, but today I feel miserable and hopeless. I don’t understand it and i’m beginning to wonder whether i might actually be depressed myself.

I need to bounce back from my failure of last week, but at the moment the only way I feel any better is when he is not drinking and we are together. I know I can’t live like that but I can’t work out how to change things. The fact that we enjoyed a successful weekend together just makes it worse when he drinks again. I’ve brought up the subject of what he is going to do to stop drinking so many times and still he relies purely on willpower and lasts 2-3days each time. He still isn’t seeking other help, but at least i’m realising nothing i say makes any difference. I’m stuck in thinking that the only way i’ll feel better is if he stops drinking. I feel like i’ve taken such a huge step backwards and have even gone further back than where i started.

I hardly slept last night and i think that was through the guilt of going along with us drinking together yesterday. I feel so stupid and annoyed with myself – it was his idea and i think it was probably just so he could drink rather than for valentines. Don’t get me wrong, i enjoyed it at the time but then i felt a bit ill (although we didn’t have that much) and couldn’t sleep and felt guilty. Beginning to get a tiny glimpse of how he might feel everytime he drinks when he shouldn’t – I’m glad i’m not an A, there’s no way i could deal with the guilt!
So I suppose I just need to dust myself off and start all over again, but where do i start? How can I make any headway? I’m probably just over reacting as usual and i doubt i’m really depressed myself, but i feel so hopeless. If i’m totally honest with you, this is the true situation and how I feel:

- I love him so much and want us to work
- I’d do anything to make us work
- I finally realise that he is not in recovery right now – he is actively drinking and i don’t think he is seriously seeking proper help. Trying not to drink and being sober for 2-3 days at a time is not being in recovery.
- I’m really scared about my own future and our future together – i need him to be working towards recovery to feel any hope for us
- I know he loves me and wants us to be together and have a family etc
- He knows things can’t continue like this and i think he knows that i’ll eventually have to leave him if it does.
- He doesn’t want to go to rehab or a day program, or AA meetings (he really doesn’t get on with their approach) – so what’s left as an option?
- I don’t think abstinence forever is his goal – he thinks he can drinking ‘normally’ again.
- I don’t want to leave him, but I want things to change
- I feel stuck in my own patterns of behaviour around his drinking – I don’t know the best approach and i’m struggling.
- I’ve done lots of reading on co-dependency and alcoholism and the future looks bleak if nothing changes

Sorry to go on but i needed to get that all out and admit i failed last week. Any constructive advice or criticism would be welcomed. Thanks.