Hello again,
Thank you so much once again! Wow, so much to think about. A point raised by more than one was the question of whether he's actually sober. I had not seriously considered that outside of the "fall off the wagons" I had witnessed - some of which he denies. But, I hold firm on my opinion as (a) I know he can lie straight to my face, and (b) over the years have become very familiar with how he changes ... eyes, choice of words, tempo of speech, stance, need to sleep etc that I thought I had it figured out. I am learning to give more weight to my gut instinct over wanting/needing to believe a good/wanted answer from him (reduce crazymaking). But, perhaps he's zaggin' instead of ziggin' and continuing to drink but in smaller quantities than before so more difficult for me to note? I had not considered that and now that I am, my newbiness in Al-Anon comes shining through as I can feel the anxiety growing.
From the other perspective, I very much appreciate the insights on the early recovery from the A's viewpoint. That helps me try to understand where he is (might be?) eventhough he's not telling me anything. And I agree, the addiction has to be in a recovery steady state and needs to have been for a while before any issues in the marriage could be worked on. And that, were there some other connection, I could wait for. It is the non-anything that really bothers me. I'd have more chats with the guy who works in another department from me but whose lunch is on the shelf below mine in the communal office fridge. As it stands right now, the marriage concept is non-existent. But I think I'm hearing give it time and see how things go for a bit longer, this is a delicate time for him IF he's in recovery (although he's not facing life "unfiltered" as he is on Effexor). If he's not, well, then, that too should become more evident in the near future.
Thank you again everyone for sharing your thoughts so freely. It is so very much appreciated by this bewildered one.
Will have to spend more time with my next Al-Anon book tonight, I think.