What to expect in early recovery

Old 02-12-2010, 05:23 PM
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qwe
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What to expect in early recovery

Hello everyone,

I’ve just registered and this is my first post, although I’ve visited this site occasionally over the last few months as I’ve tried to understand more about alcoholism.

Short synopsis … marriage of 22 years severely on the rocks again, and so we once again entered marriage counseling at the end of last August. In the first meeting, the counselor astutely diagnosed my husband as profoundly alcoholic and also convinced him he was from an alcoholic family (both parents). He was told to stop drinking, get to AA (which after a crisis the next day he did), and go see his Dr. to get on an antidepressant/anxiety med (Effexor). He has relapsed a few times, most recently about 2 weeks ago. We were fired from counseling last November due to me “not making sufficient progress”. I found Al-Anon at the beginning of February and after a blitz of the first week have attended 2x/week and read several of their books. It’s clear to me now that I have been severely affected as well and I’m starting to work on myself. One of the things that changed for me is that I stopped all my yelling at the beginning of December. He has had a sponsor since November, I do not yet.

What I am having trouble finding info on is what to expect when an alcoholic is trying to recover and is not drinking. What is typical behaviour for recovering and what might be issues that relate more to the dysfunctional marriage? For example, before AA drinking was the cause of arguments and more often like a big white elephant in the room that wasn’t discussed. Now, his recovery is not discussed. I know NOTHING about his AA progress. The best I get to a “how was your meeting” is a “fine”. Further, he has completely backed off any interaction with me. There are no conversations, hugs, kisses on the cheek, let alone anything more. He shares nothing about his life. The only things that are discussed are what I call procedural issues … who’s making dinner, picking up the kids, cleaning what room. No long term plans. No feelings. No discussion of a tv show’s content, even if by chance we watch one together (almost never). He is completely walled off. Is this typical behaviour? Also, although he is sober, and does step up to some more responsibilities, the lying and not being reliable on anything, small or large, continues. Again, is this typical recovery stuff, if so, how long months/years/never??) before things might change. I am as lonely as before, if not more so, with still not much more of a partner to count on. Although he is not passed out on the couch most nights anymore, he’s now in a separate room watching TV or on the computer and any affection is even less than before, and I still cannot count on him for bringing home lettuce or to make bill payments as they need to be done. His interaction with the family has not changed significantly, even after six months on this journey. He says he cannot speak with me and "is working on it". I can understand if he is not ready for in-depth discussions, but am having difficulty dealing with the shut-out on just about all levels.

Can anyone provide insight? I have decided to give this some more time without pushing, but it is difficult and I only feel pushed further away. He says he wants to be married and have his family with him, but his actions do not seem to reflect that.

Thank you for any insight from your experience.
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Old 02-12-2010, 05:55 PM
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Welcome to the SoberRecovery family!

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. You will find information and support for yourself here.

In recovery, I try to picture a nice tree lined street. My recovering A is on the far side of the street and I am on this side of the street. There is a double yellow line down the middle of the street. He takes care of his side of the street, and I take care of my side of the street.

If I feel the need to step across that double yellow line and start making suggestions for his side of the street, I need to wait for an invitation. I expect the same respect from my A. Please don't come to my side of the street and start pointing out areas I need to improve. I will work my side in my own style and timetable.

That is how recovery works in the rooms of AA and Alanon. We allow each other the space and time to work our own recovery with support from members with more experience.

Learning to love myself, forgive myself, nurture myself and respect myself keeps me very busy. It was hard for me to let go of my A's recovery/life. We had been married 14 years. I had been the family secretary for years. I was the planner and organizer for children and the other adult. My A never had to assume full responsibility for any of his actions as long as I was there taking care of everything.

Have you heard about codependency? It happens to lots of us in relationships with A's. And we learn it from our parents. Melody Beattie wrote a terrific book called "Codependent No More". It is eye-opening. The first time I read it, I thought about all the people I knew that needed to read it. Thankfully, I now read it for myself.

Keep coming back, we're here to support you in your recovery!
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Old 02-12-2010, 06:27 PM
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qwe
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Thanks much, Pelican. I love the picture of the tree-lined street. I in no way want to influence his recovery; I would simply like to know so that I can offer support, but without knowing anything I can't do/say anything. I don't at this point understand the point of being married if there are no joint efforts. I have read Melody's book, and through going to Al-Anon knew enough not to explode over the last relapse, just turn off the fire under the pots (he was cooking dinner when he passed out - or having a little sleep as he puts it) & leave everything for him to deal with when he regained consciousness. Staying in a marriage where there is no interaction seems pointless, but if this is within a normal range of an early recovery then I need to give him more time, even if he does not want to tell me that himself. If we're both on our own sides of the street, when do you ever connect in your lives? That is the part I don't understand right now. If we're both to stay on our own sides of the street then we could do that not being married.
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Old 02-12-2010, 06:54 PM
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I should clarify, I WAS married 14 years. I finally had enough and filed for divorce, found a job in another town and the kids and I left the day the divorce was final. My A got sober and began his recovery during our divorce process. He is still sober today.

I am a recovering spouse of an A, a recovering codependent and a recovering alcoholic. I got sober but he didn't until the divorce. Now we support each other (long distance).

There are a few members here that may be able to answer your questions about recovery in marriage. The weekends are quieter here, so we will wait for their wisdom.

As a recovering alcoholic, I appreciate encouragement from the normies in my life (people without addiction issues) but my biggest source of support for my alcohol recovery is from women with more sobriety/experience than me. They know what I am going through. Also, as an alcoholic - if I drink again (relapse) it would erase any time I was sober. My body, mind and soul will not forget where we left off and pick right back up with the cravings and obsessing over the next drink. Your husband's relapses have likely set him back in recovery. We don't count the six weeks we had before the 2 day binge. Our bodies/minds went back to step one.

As a recovering codependent and exspouse of an active A, I appreciate encouragement from friends that aren't married to an A; but my biggest source of support for recovery comes from other women that have been working on their recovery longer than I have. That's where Alanon and SR really help me in my day to day life. I use the tools I learn at Alanon and SR in my personal and professional life!
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Old 02-12-2010, 07:19 PM
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hi qwe and welcome to the forum!

there's no 'typical' way to get sober.
There's no 'typical' first year sober.
the only thing 'typical' about alcoholics...
is that we drink and we wreck our lives.

Sadly - it's next to impossible to tell you what to expect.

But - you've found a wonderful place to be
while whatever DOES happen next ... happens.
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Old 02-12-2010, 08:05 PM
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Hi qwe. I am in a similar situation. My husband is a month into his recovery, and it has been challenging at times. I know how you feel with the feeling shut out, but this is the truth, and it does suck kind of because we want everything else to get fixed right along with the drinking, but its not about us right now. The quiting drinking is huge, and he needs to talk about it with who he feels comfortable and not be pressured to share it with you right now. I was feeling the same way, but then I realised, through his recovery, he is probably feeling a lot of shame over what has happened, and what kind of husband he has been, even if it doesn't seem like it. They drank for a reason, and the first part is the hard part. I ws feeling really frustrated with things. I backed off, gave him more space. I attended an open meeting with him, which was nice and helpful. Also, keep reading here, and learning more. Just take baby steps relationship wise. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen, and you and he both need to do a lot of that healing on your own first, and then you will be able to grow together. Be gentle on him, and yourself right now, and remember, good marriages take time and effort to build, and he is making a huge effort just by stopping the drinking, I know my husband had a week to 10 days alone of withdrawl, DTs and hallucinations before even starting to think about the emotional recovery. It is a one day at a time thing. ITs like a yo-yo at first, but it slowly gets better. Just be supportive, and he will come around. Good Luck.
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Old 02-12-2010, 09:22 PM
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everyone is right. i think for every alco who gets sober,there is a story of that journey different than the next person's.

i had the best year of my marriage the year after my husband went to treatment. he didn talk to me. we enjoyed on another, made love, dreamed together. he was on the treatment high for a few months after he got out. unfortunately, it was just something he couldn't do for very long. he spent a few years - i think - in the dry drunk mode, started (secretly) smoking grass and after all hope dried up, i divorced him. he drinks now and from what i heard my daughter say once, his current girlfriend doesn't identify him as an alcoholic.

he shut down even while sober and didn't let me or anyone else in. i'm pretty sure it's still the same.

your husband could be resentful. he could be hurt. he could be afraid. he could be dry but not truly wanting sobriety. he could be focusing on his recovery the only way he knows how, or the way it's working for him. there is much to be repaired. you lived with angst and fear and anger for so long; just try to be patient. time will reveal what needs to be.

good for you to realize that you have some personal work to do too! keep going to alanon, get your sponsor, and try to focus on your own self at this time.
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Old 02-13-2010, 04:31 AM
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qwe
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Thanks everyone for your posts, I appreciate the comments very much. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so freely. I will do my best to give him more space and time. I know I can't be his main support here, I have no idea what he is going through (I am I guess what you called a normie with 2 normie parents). However, I don't think that completely shutting me out of his life for much longer is acceptable. That, to me, is being disrespectful of me and the marriage. It is one thing to say "hey, I am working on some stuff right now and I have to do this on my own, but I realize that I'm pulling back because of the work I'm doing and I will be back as soon as I can", or to not say that but stay connected through "surface issues" ("how was your day?", "I saw a fox by the side of the road today"). But to just disappear without any explanation is not OK to me. If he were a housemate who paid rent there would be more communication. It is frustrating as heck and I don't understand why, if I'm working "my stuff" and learning to no longer put my needs second and to start verbalizing them that this should continue to be a big silent ocean between us and simply accepted.

I hope to learn much more from everyone here. Thank you again for all your thoughtful comments, and if my thinking is waay off base here, please, do straighten it out! I am here because I appreciate the help different perspectives give in me trying to figure out the reasonableness of my own thinking.
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Old 02-13-2010, 04:57 AM
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When I recall my now deceased alcoholic/addict coming out of rehab...he basically didn't know I existed. We lived in the same house, but took to being merely roommates. I had too much resentment at that point to be that worried about it. It went this way for four months before he passed away (of an overdose). There was no hand holding, the cute little things that couples do, it was a dead relationship for the most part. I felt very much on the outside and neglected. He was working on him - but really he was hiding more than I imagined. After his death, I found a letter he'd written the night before. And it did say that he knew I needed attention, but to be patient. I was totally cool with that. I was working on me. Sometimes, I think we on the other side get the ugly end of the stick when our s/o gets rehabilitated. We are consumed with anger, suspicion, regrets, self regret, resentment. And somehow under the mountain of negative emotions borne out of living with an addict, we must learn to understand and forgive. You are doing the right thing. Keeping your own counsel and hold your own accord. When we went to a couples counselor (which was his idea and REALLY backfired) the closing advice was "until all addiction is eradicated, the relationship is not in the stage of rebuilding trust".
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:19 AM
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....I know I know I know, I always have afterthoughts on the devil's advocate side of circumstances. When I reread your post the statement "I'm working on it" really jumped out at me. Mine said it too. He wanted to get married and I said, get and stay clean for 6 months and ask me again. I'll talk with you about it at that time. His response? I'm working on it. He'd been 3 months out of rehab and got a new job, did a jail visit for something prior to rehab. So, I figured he was clean. He wasn't. Another time we were sitting in the car talking and he said "I have a mountain to climb" (variation of I'm working on it...) I told him to bring his camping gear. When I DID begin to detach and really work on me - he became confused and threatened. So working on it? I doubted it at that time, and my gut told me that he was hiding so much more than I could see. And unfortunately it turned out to be true. Now my guy had a lot to lose. He'd been fitted with a GPS as a condition of his ROR for one crime. And was already on probation for another crime. So, naturally I thought, well the P.O. could drug test him at any visit, or the Sheriff could waltz right on up in my house and test him as a condition of the GPS. All the motivation a normal prudent person would need, to stay sober. HA! He found ways to get high, stay high, and hide it. He did keep a safe distance from me and now in retrospect see how and why. Just a thought, but is it possible yours is going through the motions to set a stage of illusion and still using his DOC? Have you given it any thought?
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Old 02-13-2010, 06:47 AM
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My view as RAH:
First concern is whether he is in recovery. He may not want to talk about things because he is secretly drinking, and doesn't want to expose himself.

If he is staying sober: the early days were quite hard for me. Drinking was a big part of my life, and a big part of my coping mechanism. Initially there was just a big void, and I had to cope "unfiltered". So, I needed to work on myself initially before being able to handle relationship demands.

I wasn't expecting anything from my wife at the time (attention, sympathy, etc), and I don't think it would have been appropriate. But early recovery is not the best time to work on a damaged marriage, because it is a fragile time. Presumably, there is not much hope for the marriage if the recovery is not sustainable...
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:43 PM
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My experience with my RAH in his first year has been a roller coaster. My RAH and I arent' talking right now and separated but we were separated before b/c of his drinking. He got sober and we reunited and it fell apart before we actually moved back together. Still working on it.
But my RAH talked to me about everything from the meetings, he talked to his sponsor in front of me everynight, he told me gradually all his secrets related to drinking amounts/times/places/etc. He shared his shameful feelings and guilt feelings which left him pretty marred emotionally. We talked a lot and fell in love all over again - he actually saw me and heard for the first time and discovered a lot about me which felt good. He was happy and genuinely enjoying things for the first time.
Where did it break down? Not certain, but I know he was advised by AA not to reunite so fast and it eventually was the reason he stopped going to meetings. He was involved in church during this time as well and we were in therapy. But I think he really just was not ready to deal with anything - he has just been trying to figure out how to live. Shortly after quitting AA, he quit church and therapy and had some slips. He keeps working on his sobriety but can't seem to deal with me now.
That is just another version/story. TAke what helps and toss the rest.
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by qwe View Post
Hello everyone,

I’ve just registered and this is my first post, although I’ve visited this site occasionally over the last few months as I’ve tried to understand more about alcoholism.

Short synopsis … marriage of 22 years severely on the rocks again, and so we once again entered marriage counseling at the end of last August. In the first meeting, the counselor astutely diagnosed my husband as profoundly alcoholic and also convinced him he was from an alcoholic family (both parents). He was told to stop drinking, get to AA (which after a crisis the next day he did), and go see his Dr. to get on an antidepressant/anxiety med (Effexor). He has relapsed a few times, most recently about 2 weeks ago. We were fired from counseling last November due to me “not making sufficient progress”. I found Al-Anon at the beginning of February and after a blitz of the first week have attended 2x/week and read several of their books. It’s clear to me now that I have been severely affected as well and I’m starting to work on myself. One of the things that changed for me is that I stopped all my yelling at the beginning of December. He has had a sponsor since November, I do not yet.

What I am having trouble finding info on is what to expect when an alcoholic is trying to recover and is not drinking. What is typical behaviour for recovering and what might be issues that relate more to the dysfunctional marriage? For example, before AA drinking was the cause of arguments and more often like a big white elephant in the room that wasn’t discussed. Now, his recovery is not discussed. I know NOTHING about his AA progress. The best I get to a “how was your meeting” is a “fine”. Further, he has completely backed off any interaction with me. There are no conversations, hugs, kisses on the cheek, let alone anything more. He shares nothing about his life. The only things that are discussed are what I call procedural issues … who’s making dinner, picking up the kids, cleaning what room. No long term plans. No feelings. No discussion of a tv show’s content, even if by chance we watch one together (almost never). He is completely walled off. Is this typical behaviour? Also, although he is sober, and does step up to some more responsibilities, the lying and not being reliable on anything, small or large, continues. Again, is this typical recovery stuff, if so, how long months/years/never??) before things might change. I am as lonely as before, if not more so, with still not much more of a partner to count on. Although he is not passed out on the couch most nights anymore, he’s now in a separate room watching TV or on the computer and any affection is even less than before, and I still cannot count on him for bringing home lettuce or to make bill payments as they need to be done. His interaction with the family has not changed significantly, even after six months on this journey. He says he cannot speak with me and "is working on it". I can understand if he is not ready for in-depth discussions, but am having difficulty dealing with the shut-out on just about all levels.

Can anyone provide insight? I have decided to give this some more time without pushing, but it is difficult and I only feel pushed further away. He says he wants to be married and have his family with him, but his actions do not seem to reflect that.

Thank you for any insight from your experience.
qwe

WELCOME!

I've been married for 13 1/2 years. My wife has been sober 6 weeks after a few year of..... She and I are both in recover and she started drinking again after 12 years sober.
What to expect... Well, slow growing child that has enotional swings. Since you can't control him, his recovery, his life, his (much of anything), the only thing I would do is focus on yourself and Alanon.
You see, he will have good days, bad ones, maybe drink again, sober up again, maybe kill himself or someone else driving drunk, maybe sober up and have 50 years of an awesome marriage!.... Too many things are out there. So all I can say is 'focus'. I know both sides and it drove me nuts.

When I get fustrated I just have to tell myself to refocus on what am I doing. The reality is you can help! You set an example! Just like with kids be an example. Let him have space to recover. I will help anyone who wants to help themselves, but if you want to implode then you are on your own, but my hand is always extend out.

AG
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Old 02-13-2010, 02:26 PM
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qwe
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Hello again,

Thank you so much once again! Wow, so much to think about. A point raised by more than one was the question of whether he's actually sober. I had not seriously considered that outside of the "fall off the wagons" I had witnessed - some of which he denies. But, I hold firm on my opinion as (a) I know he can lie straight to my face, and (b) over the years have become very familiar with how he changes ... eyes, choice of words, tempo of speech, stance, need to sleep etc that I thought I had it figured out. I am learning to give more weight to my gut instinct over wanting/needing to believe a good/wanted answer from him (reduce crazymaking). But, perhaps he's zaggin' instead of ziggin' and continuing to drink but in smaller quantities than before so more difficult for me to note? I had not considered that and now that I am, my newbiness in Al-Anon comes shining through as I can feel the anxiety growing.

From the other perspective, I very much appreciate the insights on the early recovery from the A's viewpoint. That helps me try to understand where he is (might be?) eventhough he's not telling me anything. And I agree, the addiction has to be in a recovery steady state and needs to have been for a while before any issues in the marriage could be worked on. And that, were there some other connection, I could wait for. It is the non-anything that really bothers me. I'd have more chats with the guy who works in another department from me but whose lunch is on the shelf below mine in the communal office fridge. As it stands right now, the marriage concept is non-existent. But I think I'm hearing give it time and see how things go for a bit longer, this is a delicate time for him IF he's in recovery (although he's not facing life "unfiltered" as he is on Effexor). If he's not, well, then, that too should become more evident in the near future.

Thank you again everyone for sharing your thoughts so freely. It is so very much appreciated by this bewildered one.

Will have to spend more time with my next Al-Anon book tonight, I think.
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