Originally Posted by qwe

Hello everyone,

I’ve just registered and this is my first post, although I’ve visited this site occasionally over the last few months as I’ve tried to understand more about alcoholism.

Short synopsis … marriage of 22 years severely on the rocks again, and so we once again entered marriage counseling at the end of last August. In the first meeting, the counselor astutely diagnosed my husband as profoundly alcoholic and also convinced him he was from an alcoholic family (both parents). He was told to stop drinking, get to AA (which after a crisis the next day he did), and go see his Dr. to get on an antidepressant/anxiety med (Effexor). He has relapsed a few times, most recently about 2 weeks ago. We were fired from counseling last November due to me “not making sufficient progress”. I found Al-Anon at the beginning of February and after a blitz of the first week have attended 2x/week and read several of their books. It’s clear to me now that I have been severely affected as well and I’m starting to work on myself. One of the things that changed for me is that I stopped all my yelling at the beginning of December. He has had a sponsor since November, I do not yet.

What I am having trouble finding info on is what to expect when an alcoholic is trying to recover and is not drinking. What is typical behaviour for recovering and what might be issues that relate more to the dysfunctional marriage? For example, before AA drinking was the cause of arguments and more often like a big white elephant in the room that wasn’t discussed. Now, his recovery is not discussed. I know NOTHING about his AA progress. The best I get to a “how was your meeting” is a “fine”. Further, he has completely backed off any interaction with me. There are no conversations, hugs, kisses on the cheek, let alone anything more. He shares nothing about his life. The only things that are discussed are what I call procedural issues … who’s making dinner, picking up the kids, cleaning what room. No long term plans. No feelings. No discussion of a tv show’s content, even if by chance we watch one together (almost never). He is completely walled off. Is this typical behaviour? Also, although he is sober, and does step up to some more responsibilities, the lying and not being reliable on anything, small or large, continues. Again, is this typical recovery stuff, if so, how long months/years/never??) before things might change. I am as lonely as before, if not more so, with still not much more of a partner to count on. Although he is not passed out on the couch most nights anymore, he’s now in a separate room watching TV or on the computer and any affection is even less than before, and I still cannot count on him for bringing home lettuce or to make bill payments as they need to be done. His interaction with the family has not changed significantly, even after six months on this journey. He says he cannot speak with me and "is working on it". I can understand if he is not ready for in-depth discussions, but am having difficulty dealing with the shut-out on just about all levels.

Can anyone provide insight? I have decided to give this some more time without pushing, but it is difficult and I only feel pushed further away. He says he wants to be married and have his family with him, but his actions do not seem to reflect that.

Thank you for any insight from your experience.