Blackrose56

I haven't been around either in a while. I've gone on with my life and am trying to do the best I can. I was diagnosed with a heart condition and kidney failure last year and have been learning how to live a new life. Several months ago, my ex started calling me. His 10 month marriage fell apart and he said he wanted to start over. We have been talking back and forth for 3 months now. He said he wanted to come here and start a new life without drugs, but then changed his mind. A month ago he asked me to come back to PA. I said I can't do that. I can't leave the good life I've built to go back to the gutter he now lives in. I was going back to visit at the prodding of my therapist. (He thinks I need to see once and for all what I want to do about this man...closure) He suddenly disappeared the last 2 weeks and I got a call last night that he was in jail. Beat some guy up while drinking. I was also told that he was at some woman's house and her old boyfriend is the man he beat up. The guy who called me said he is not "seeing" her, just hanging with her and drinking and drugging together. Now, my ex doesn't go for more than a few weeks without picking up a new bimbo to move in with. He can't live alone. Doesn't know how. And I know this....so WHY does it hurt so badly. I know as long as he's still using...he will go from bimbo to bimbo. It's his pattern. And I know I will always love him, but I can't go back to him unless he is working on sobriety and shows me some clean time. Still, I can't give up all hope on the man....I still pray that some day he finds recovery. This guy last night was telling me I'm all he talks about. I know I was the woman he loved...so why does he have to go from bimbo to bimbo. And how do I keep it from hurting.