Relapse is not a mandantory part of recovery, but for some it is part of their recovery.
Since I got into AA I have not relapsed once, not to brag just a fact so far. Every meeting I go to if some one is coming back in I am all ears, I have yet to hear one single person who relapsed say how great it was, all of them have shared the almost instant dissappointment when they take that first drink. Like you they knew they had planned the relapse ahead of time but they did not see the signs of the relapse coming.
I work my recovery daily and I look inward and see if I might be working towards a relapse as well. So far I have let others continue with the experimintation for me & others, so far those that have made it back share a lot of the same things:
1. Quit going to meetings,
2. Quit praying.
3. Quit speaking to fellow alcoholics.
4. Quit reading recovery literature.
5. Basically they quit working thier program on a daily basis.
6. A few beleived the myth that relapse is a part of recovery.
Several things have made a huge difference in my recovery:
1. Having & using a sponsor.
2. Taking the steps and applying them daily to all areas of my life.
3. Working with other alcoholics.
4. Staying in touch with others in recovery.
5. Attending meetings
6. Taking others through the steps.
7. Working my program to the best of my ability daily.
8. Prayer & meditation.
I will tell you what I have heard many times in the rooms, you never have to drink again unless you choose to!
Dust your self off & move forward with the dedication that your very life depends upon your recovery...... it does!