If you're an alcoholic/addict, of course you are going to want to drink! We are afflicted with a unique allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind that makes us bodily & mentally different from our fellows. I think where you're at is exactly where you're supposed to be, and there's really nothing that you need to figure out. If you really want to stay sober, do the work-- go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, try to make yourself useful to others. Get a home group, let people get to know you, get a service position. As the Big Book says, "Each day think of what you can do for the man who is still sick." I know that this suggestion, as nonsensical as it may sound, has saved my ass many times. Find someone sicker than you and listen to them talk, buy them coffee, let them get to know you. Helping others is the joy of recovery.