He is not drinking that I am aware of, but is not seeking counseling or in any type of recovery plan. He still has a lot of anger.....and when I bring of alcoholsim and dealing with the past he immediately becomes defensive and starts hurling his own ridiculous accusations he did before and calling names. Still refusing to confront his/our past. I don't know how to move forward with our relationship without his ability to discuss the past. I don't believe that we can simply sweep it under the rug and move forward, or I have no doubt that it will just retun.
First off, congrats on the pregnancy!
Second, congrats on separating! That's a scary move and very brave on your part!
Your quote could have been me writing! My husband isn't drinking *in front of me*, but he said he didn't want to quit and the liquor cabinet keeps shrinking its contents, so I know he is. Do you know *for sure* he isn't just hiding it? How can we know? We can't. (ARRGHHH!)
Last night, my AH tried to bring up our struggles, and I was frozen - mortified at getting near the *hot* topics that send him spiraling into defense. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right then. (Isn't that silly? When I SO want to talk about it!) I just think I need to get clearer on what I am saying is my bottom line. What I want. What is absolutely not acceptable.
My AH has a collection of concepts that will send him off the handle. Alcoholism, addiction, lying, hiding, old relationships, any problem from the past in our relationship, etc. He may get angry or deny or even pretend he has
no idea what I am talking about.
Not okay.
Similarly, your AH resorts to name calling. Okay with you?
I know I need a partner that can talk through things OR at least say, "I can't or don't want to talk about it."
Strangely enough, my AH was asking why I would want to go to couples counseling. At the end of my reasons, he said he wasn't going...but I wonder if he's moving closer to considering it (considering he ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to even talk about it when I first brought it up). Am I just in fantasy? Who knows.
I feel like I have to get that "I want/don't want" list in stone so that when I am around him, or I need to lay down the law, I am clear and not waffle-y.
Good luck! Hang tough,
w