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Any thoughts on this?

Old 02-08-2010, 06:20 PM
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Any thoughts on this?

AH and I have been seperated now for 3 months. He is not drinking that I am aware of, but is not seeking counseling or in any type of recovery plan. He still has a lot of anger.....and when I bring of alcoholsim and dealing with the past he immediately becomes defensive and starts hurling his own ridiculous accusations he did before and calling names. Still refusing to confront his/our past. I don't know how to move forward with our relationship without his ability to discuss the past. I don't believe that we can simply sweep it under the rug and move forward, or I have no doubt that it will just retun. Also, against my better judgement I told him if he wanted to try he could come home, he refuses saying that why would he do that - to put up with my verbal abuse. For someone who complains about not being here....he sure is in no hurry to come back. So any thoughts about these 2 behaviors? I would also like to say but I think alot these days about what I can live with and what I can't.....and I question alot why I didn't think about this befoe....just a side note. Any thoughts on this behavior would be appreciated.
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I would also like to say but I think alot these days about what I can live with and what I can't.....and I question alot why I didn't think about this befoe....just a side note.
NOT a side note. This is important! And a very good sign that you are looking out for yourself. Congrats.

About his behavior:

It doesn't matter why he is acting the way he is. It matters whether you want that kind of behavior in your life. This is who he is RIGHT NOW. Is it what you want? You cannot base your decisions on who he might become, if this or that happened. All you have to work with is what is. Do you really want to "work it out" with someone who is angry and defensive? Hurling accusations and calling you names?

L
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:31 PM
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Well, it sounds to me like you are sending him mixed messages. It doesn't sound like you really know yet what behavior you will or won't tolerate. I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, but... You left him for a reason. Has anything really changed? Is it really a good idea for him to come back if you still aren't getting along, and if you still aren't really sure what you want?
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:43 PM
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I might be sending mixed signals...because i am struggling a bit myself with our situation. I am pregnant with our 2nd child, and due in May. I struggle with the idea of not "trying" to make it work, even though I have SO tried in the past. The ONLY thing that has changed is that he is not drinking.....but I don't know that that is enough. I am tying to decide if I can deal with the rest of the behaviors - and no I don't want to be with someone who is angry and hurtful. This situation is so complicated right now....Thanks for the thoughts so far!
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:44 PM
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An alcoholic without working a program, even if he or she is sober, is still an *******. He or she may be even worse to live with sober.

The best thing that I ever did was to do for myself. I got into alanon. It took years but I got where I did not need her. I do not need her approval. I no longer long for her to behave a certain way. To be happy I had to break the codependant behavior.
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I am pregnant with our 2nd child, and due in May. I struggle with the idea of not "trying" to make it work, even though I have SO tried in the past.
I can understand why you would struggle. But, you cannot "make it work." That takes two. It doesn't sound like he is trying much. Why not focus on growing the new, beautiful life inside you and letting the rest of it be what it is. If it is meant to be, it will. Trying to force things to be what I want them to be almost always hurts me.

L
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:17 PM
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It must be really difficult to be pregnant and to think of bringing your precious baby into an imperfect situation. I am sure that the hormones are causing you even more anxiety and nostalgia than you would be feeling ordinarily. I spent much of my last pregnancy (with my now 2 yr old) lying in bed trying to combat my anxiety because somehow I was afraid of bringing a new life into the reality of our home. We already had two children - 5 and 6 when #3 was born, so I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that #3 wasn't going to change our situation all that much. I was already in a bad marriage with an addicted and somewhat abusive man - although I wasn't able to articulate it at that time.

So much magical thinking occurs in a pregnancy anyway. I expect it's hard to remain rational and committed to your path when you know that in a few months you will be beyond exhausted and worn out from caring for two little ones - and not sleeping at all. I hope that you have some good help in a family member or a circle of good friends.

I would hate to see you allow your not-working-his-program AH come back into the house in the interest of having some backup and then realizing that his presence makes the chaos worse.

I have 3 children, now 8, 7 and 2, and they are a lot to take care of, but I am so much more equipped to handle that challenge and blessing without my AH in the house. The children are busy and energetic, but my husband was the wild card who made it hard. It is much more peaceful without him and his crazy-making behaviors that affected all of us. It actually makes doing my job a lot easier - believe it or not.

I wish you the best.
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Still refusing to confront his/our past. I don't know how to move forward with our relationship without his ability to discuss the past. I don't believe that we can simply sweep it under the rug and move forward, or I have no doubt that it will just retun. Also, against my better judgement I told him if he wanted to try he could come home, he refuses saying that why would he do that - to put up with my verbal abuse. For someone who complains about not being here....he sure is in no hurry to come back.
What I hear loud and clear, is that you are conflicted.

I say sit with it until you get more clarity. Do what has helped you in the past: journal, friend as a sounding board, post on s/r
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:52 AM
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Thank you all so much.....you are all right. I should have mentioned I have 4 sons from my previous marriage aging 14, 12, 10, 9 then my 15mnth old daughte and a baby on the way...somedays overwhelming....let's just say I picked the 2nd husband in the same way I picked the first....which is leading to the same thing. Good news....I am great at the whole mothering thing......just sad to be alone. My sons are old enough that they are a lot of help with their little sister and I'm sure will be with their soon to be brother. I always wanted a big family....lol....I just didn't think I'd be doing it alone again! Anyway, writing here on SR always helps me refocus and clear my head and thoughts....so thank you all for your responses!!
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Old 02-09-2010, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Thank you all so much.....you are all right. I should have mentioned I have 4 sons from my previous marriage aging 14, 12, 10, 9 then my 15mnth old daughte and a baby on the way...somedays overwhelming....let's just say I picked the 2nd husband in the same way I picked the first....which is leading to the same thing. Good news....I am great at the whole mothering thing......just sad to be alone. My sons are old enough that they are a lot of help with their little sister and I'm sure will be with their soon to be brother. I always wanted a big family....lol....I just didn't think I'd be doing it alone again! Anyway, writing here on SR always helps me refocus and clear my head and thoughts....so thank you all for your responses!!
It's not exactly the stuff that white picket fences are made of, is it? (Laughing through my tears of frustration and sadness) Your boys will be a big help and that is quite a crowd - I bet your house is lots of fun.
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:25 PM
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He is not drinking that I am aware of, but is not seeking counseling or in any type of recovery plan. He still has a lot of anger.....and when I bring of alcoholsim and dealing with the past he immediately becomes defensive and starts hurling his own ridiculous accusations he did before and calling names. Still refusing to confront his/our past. I don't know how to move forward with our relationship without his ability to discuss the past. I don't believe that we can simply sweep it under the rug and move forward, or I have no doubt that it will just retun.

First off, congrats on the pregnancy!
Second, congrats on separating! That's a scary move and very brave on your part!

Your quote could have been me writing! My husband isn't drinking *in front of me*, but he said he didn't want to quit and the liquor cabinet keeps shrinking its contents, so I know he is. Do you know *for sure* he isn't just hiding it? How can we know? We can't. (ARRGHHH!)

Last night, my AH tried to bring up our struggles, and I was frozen - mortified at getting near the *hot* topics that send him spiraling into defense. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right then. (Isn't that silly? When I SO want to talk about it!) I just think I need to get clearer on what I am saying is my bottom line. What I want. What is absolutely not acceptable.
My AH has a collection of concepts that will send him off the handle. Alcoholism, addiction, lying, hiding, old relationships, any problem from the past in our relationship, etc. He may get angry or deny or even pretend he has no idea what I am talking about.
Not okay.
Similarly, your AH resorts to name calling. Okay with you?

I know I need a partner that can talk through things OR at least say, "I can't or don't want to talk about it."
Strangely enough, my AH was asking why I would want to go to couples counseling. At the end of my reasons, he said he wasn't going...but I wonder if he's moving closer to considering it (considering he ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to even talk about it when I first brought it up). Am I just in fantasy? Who knows.

I feel like I have to get that "I want/don't want" list in stone so that when I am around him, or I need to lay down the law, I am clear and not waffle-y.

Good luck! Hang tough,

w
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:35 PM
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Also, against my better judgement I told him if he wanted to try he could come home
Why would you do something against your better judgment?

Why are you handing the reins of your one precious life over to a person who probably can't even tie his shoes 75% of the time he is awake?

When are you going to take responsibility for your life by (1) following your better judgment and (2) figuring out what you do and do not want for your life?

he refuses saying that why would he do that - to put up with my verbal abuse. For someone who complains about not being here....he sure is in no hurry to come back.
Well, ARE you verbally abusive with this person in your life?
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:44 PM
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I am absolutely not verbal abusive to my AH......he considers it name calling when I talk about him being an alcoholic or his alcoholism. He IS verbally abusive to me often......this is his way of throwing it on me.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:49 PM
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You say he isn't drinking (that you know of) - but he's not in any recovery program, or counseling. He's still angry, still defensive and very much in denial. Mixed signals? Nope.

I bet a "donut to a dollar hole" he IS still drinking.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:54 PM
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You are probablly right about the drinking...I know that. I should have said - I have not seen him drink, but again we aren't living together....we see each other when he comes to the house which is alcohol free....so I guess I couldn't know.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:08 PM
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I will put down my money on the bet that all is not as it seems, and there is alcohol still in his life right now.

For me, I thought chasing after 3 girls in 3 and a half years was hard, and my husband was a great support and help.....but having the family of children you do, is so much a bigger job....so why would you want or need to care for AH as well as put up with his possible drinking and chaos?

If he considers Alcoholic is an abusive word, WOW....I can think of a few to rock him.

Count to 100 before you answer him, if you must have contact and before you agree to anything he wants, wait 24 hours before giving an answer......

Do what is the best for you, your unborn babe and the children, and let AH do what he can for himself......he is a big boy.....pity he isn't a big man yet.

Pamper yourself and keep healthy.

God bless
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