It must be really difficult to be pregnant and to think of bringing your precious baby into an imperfect situation. I am sure that the hormones are causing you even more anxiety and nostalgia than you would be feeling ordinarily. I spent much of my last pregnancy (with my now 2 yr old) lying in bed trying to combat my anxiety because somehow I was afraid of bringing a new life into the reality of our home. We already had two children - 5 and 6 when #3 was born, so I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that #3 wasn't going to change our situation all that much. I was already in a bad marriage with an addicted and somewhat abusive man - although I wasn't able to articulate it at that time.
So much magical thinking occurs in a pregnancy anyway. I expect it's hard to remain rational and committed to your path when you know that in a few months you will be beyond exhausted and worn out from caring for two little ones - and not sleeping at all. I hope that you have some good help in a family member or a circle of good friends.
I would hate to see you allow your not-working-his-program AH come back into the house in the interest of having some backup and then realizing that his presence makes the chaos worse.
I have 3 children, now 8, 7 and 2, and they are a lot to take care of, but I am so much more equipped to handle that challenge and blessing without my AH in the house. The children are busy and energetic, but my husband was the wild card who made it hard. It is much more peaceful without him and his crazy-making behaviors that affected all of us. It actually makes doing my job a lot easier - believe it or not.
I wish you the best.
