For me personally, anyone from whom I have to detach too often seems to pretty quickly become someone with whom I'm not going to want to be in a life-partner type relationship.
It seems like for me, regardless of the person or the nature of the relationship, there are obviously most likely going to be
some times when I'm going to have to detach -- either because the other person is in a bad place or because I am (in which case I tend to become pretty detached from any non-essential person or thing because I try to keep my energy close).
Detachment, for me, is an important coping skill either when my own energy is (temporarily) low (or temporarily needed elsewhere) or when the person or situation from which I'm detaching is (temporarily) in a state where being connected to him/her/it emotionally is becoming so draining that it's dangerous for me.
And,
while coping skills are helpful and very important to have, I don't really have any desire to "live" my life in "coping" mode! Happiness, freedom and joy are more along the lines of what I believe "living" is truly about.
So, for me, if, in order to protect myself, I'm having to detach more often than not over a significant period of time in the context of my supposedly intimate life-partnership, then, really that relationship is not, according to my standards, either intimate or a partnership...and it's time for me to do the honest thing and quit pretending to myself and/or anyone else that it is.
As far as being sexual with a supposed spouse or life partner when either one of you is truly not present (emotionally or spiritually) in the relationship, I really do not recommend it -- no matter how badly you might want the sex. Been there, done that -- scuzziest sex I've ever had:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2164676 freya