Detachment - Falling out of love??

Old 07-31-2009, 02:54 PM
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Detachment - Falling out of love??

Hi everyone,

Well, I have been trying to let go more and more this week and really have started focusing on me. There's a lot that I need to do for myself right now anyways (trying to get into a Masters program and need to get several things rolling before I apply), so it's been good to kinda spend some time on getting my stuff together. I haven't been obsessing (much) on how drunk AH is, what he's been drinking, if he will be drinking today, etc., and am feeling somewhat as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulder (at least a small weight )

However, I feel detachment isn't easy. I kind of took a step back on being affectionate (cuddling, sex, etc.), because I feel it's hard to let go if I'm still physically close to him. Not sure how long I can do without it before giving in, because I do need that type of affection from him too (but at least for right now it gives me some time to "breathe" a little).

My actual question is whether people tend to "fall out of love" when detaching too much?? I see myself acting kind of cold towards him (as a mechanism to be able to let go)... and I guess I'm scared that I get to the point where I will shut him out (as a result of detaching from him) so much, as to where I don't care about him anymore? Just thoughts that have been going through my head as I'm trying to deal with letting go... would appreciate any feedback on this.

Also, it has seemed as if while I am starting to feel better about myself (less depressed), he is becoming more depressed and drinking more. We are usually very touchy feely (when he is not wasted) and I know he is really missing that. I know I need to focus on myself and not obsess about him, but is what I'm doing going to make him worse?
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Old 07-31-2009, 04:38 PM
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Sorry for what you are going through. I am glad to hear that you are doing things to further your own life and take care of you.

While my experience was different from yours, I can say that alcoholism is a progressive disease -- he's going to get worse regardless of anything you do. Stories abound on this board from the people who have tried to be the perfect partner, and people who have spent years of their lives walking on eggshells in an effort to protect the alcoholic from needing to drink. But that's the rub -- it doesn't matter what you do, the alcoholic will find an excuse to drink.

There is also the likelihood that if you are too nice, too considerate, the alcoholic will start treating you poorly in an effort to get you to react, thus giving them *you* as an excuse to drink. This happened to me.

Detaching is difficult. Maybe you will fall out of love, maybe you will not, I don't know. My guess would be that your relationship is not as true, meaningful, and mutual as it would be if he were sober; so perhaps you can look at it from the other side -- that you are doing what you can to allow for the possibility that you can be even more in love with him.

Best,

at2
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Old 07-31-2009, 04:54 PM
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I have found that in detaching and finding myself, I did have a loss of attraction physically. But more than that, I have found that the love I felt for my AH was for a man who didn't really exist anymore. That is who I miss, and at the beginning of all this, that is what hurt the most. I wanted him to be there in the way he had when we first fell in love.

That brought me back to the "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" question. I mean, if I am really supposed to stay in love with someone who is no longer there, is that the same thing? So you see, I have the same questions. I think you can totally fall out of love, and perhaps that is the safest way of all to be.
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Old 07-31-2009, 06:15 PM
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When I detached from my husband and started focussing on my happiness, I still loved him. I just didn't engage with him when he was drinking. He initially cut right back from drinking but because he was still drinking (you know, controlled drinking), the cycle happened again and three years later, I found myself once again, on the receiving end of some horrible abuse during his binges, even though for that cycle I had remained detached from him. That is when I was 100% sure that his drinking was not about me.
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Old 07-31-2009, 06:43 PM
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My ex cheated on me and is married to her now. We haven't spoken since. I still love the man he was with me. That man isn't there anymore. The man who cheated and took off, I don't love. I detach from that guy.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:01 PM
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My ABF is in the midst of a binge and I have detached to the best of my ability, keeping things as normal (whatever normal is, living with an A) as possible, keeping daily routines and the like.

After his last binge where I lost control over my emotions as much as he did over his drinking, I vowed that I would never let that happen again. I know I do love him but not the disease and it has not been easy to equate one with the other, nor to detach. The urge for me to engage him, to tell him he needs help has been overwhelming but what I keep forgetting is that in doing so, I take away his dignity to be who he is and to let him do what he does. Whether my form of detachment is working or not, I don't know, he went out after dinner - looking like hell, feeling like hell - to make matters worse, he is tapering off anti-depressants - and when I asked him if he was OK, he kind of mumbled something and left. Since he has been gone, I find myself not obsessing when he will be home, waiting for the door to open or things like that.

When he is drinking, I can't stand the smell of stale beer or the sound of another can being opened. I have held back physically-we were always cuddlers and touchers but not for the past few days. I don't think that means I'm falling out of love with him, just that the smell of beer, the sound of another can being opened reminds me of his disease and I do hold back on affection.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:19 PM
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I couldn't detach. Even when my XAH was out of the house I found myself wanting to get in his business. I do find it fascinating that there are people here and in my Alanon group who can live with their A's that are actively drinking, and find peace. I particularly found the detaching "with love" thing impossible. Seemed to me that when I did detach it was more like "with anger, bitterness, and resentment".

The best thing for me has been the bare minimum contact to keep things going with the kids....no contact that is not child related.
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Old 07-31-2009, 11:26 PM
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1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
 
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What you are doing will just make his choice more obvious.

ex: If he stopped giving you sex because you hadn't taken a bath in a month would you get honest with yourself that he has good reason and you need to act on recovering your bodily cleanness or would you continue in your state and even maybe jump in a garbage dumpster? And lets say your were just blind to your condition, if you were him would you still hold your stand or give in to what makes you very uncomfortable or even repulses you?
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Old 07-31-2009, 11:42 PM
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I'm also so sorry that you have to go through this. It is a terrible situation but seeing that you are being smart and trying to get your own life is great!

I too am on the road to detachment, I care about my XABF a lot but unlike before now I am not sexually attracted to him. Whenever I see him in his drunken state I feel completely turned off, its something automatic that clicks in my head when he's drunk I think about the life that I want, the relationship that I want and the man that I need and looking at him he is not it. I love him but not the way I did before. I do believe that its possible to fall out of love but it all depends on you.

Never blame yourself for his sadness! Being an alcoholic is living in depression and as happy as they might seem while taking that shot they aren't. Its a hell that they don't know how to escape. No matter what you do he will continue, look back to the times where you did have sex with him and gave cuddly time. Did it change anything? Did he stop being an alcoholic? No.

Its a disease and the best thing that you could do is continue to focus on you.

Good luck... I wish you the best.
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Old 08-01-2009, 01:02 AM
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Thank you all soo much for your feedback!!! It really helps to hear from others. Especially after a long night like tonight! I woke up after an hour to a big "thump", couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to see what happened. AH must have tripped and fallen. He was lying in the middle of the kitchen floor... For a second I seriously thought he might have stopped breathing and was lying there unconscious. He didn't - he woke up when I checked if he was still breathing. So I left him alone and he got himself up and managed to get into bed. But I've been up since... I tend to have sleeping problems and couldn't fall back asleep

Linkmeister: thanks for reminding me again that I shouldn't give in to the urge of telling him what to do in his life and to not take away his dignity!! I really need to keep reminding myself... it's soo easy to fall back into old patterns.

MeHAndle: thanks ... your example really helped me look at it from a different perspective. Looks like my AH decided to jump into the dumpster ! His choice though... I told him what the outcome of that would be beforehand.
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Old 08-01-2009, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Lotus2009 View Post

Linkmeister: thanks for reminding me again that I shouldn't give in to the urge of telling him what to do in his life and to not take away his dignity!! I really need to keep reminding myself... it's soo easy to fall back into old patterns.
Lotus 2009-For me, this is the greatest test of me surrendering control over someone else's choices. It is easy to fall back into old patterns of behaviour and doing something to the contrary for the first time is scary - kind of like diving of the high diving board for the first time. Once you have done it and realize that it was less scary than you thought, you can do it again with less fear than before.

When ABF came home last night, laden with potato skins and stories of the 3 bars he visited, I stayed as non committal as possible - maybe I came off as indifferent, who knows, but for me, that was a stepping stone. As much as my brain was screaming out to freak out, I didn't. Maybe that's why I had such a pounding headache.....LOL...in spite of that, did the usual before bed things-took the dog out, shut off all the lights, took my book and headed to bed. ABF was already there, watching TV, falling asleep. No goodnight kisses or anything, just a mumble when I turned off the TV that it had been a long day and he was tired.

He was up before me this morning and again, there was no post binge hysteria from me-just the usual morning routine. He's had coffee and toast and is now back in bed. Lord only knows what the day will bring for either one of us but I will deal with it as it comes along, one hour, one minute if I have to.

We each have to deal with our life choices - good, bad, indifferent and the more I keep pounding this home to me, the more it seems to be sticking. I am a work in progress but for me to take this step is huge.

Originally Posted by Lotus2009 View Post
MeHAndle: thanks ... your example really helped me look at it from a different perspective. Looks like my AH decided to jump into the dumpster ! His choice though... I told him what the outcome of that would be beforehand.
Thanks for helping me to see things from another point of view. That's one example that will stick with me.
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Old 08-01-2009, 09:57 AM
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Hi,
I have been divorced from my AH for two years and separated for much longer. I don't love him one bit less, and I have mixed feelings about our breakup-- I have a very good life now, and I like the person I am much better now than the one I was when I was living with an alcoholic, but the relationship I had with him isn't one I can replace.

There came a point when I felt like I had the choice to fall out of love with him, and I decided not to. I couldn't stand to feel nothing where I there had been love before. However, I might have made a different choice under other circumstances: he loved me very much in his own way, and he was never an abusive or falling-down drunk (and the addiction that caused me to throw him out wasn't alcohol, but pornography).

Slowly I came to understand the underlying truth that if he could do better, he would. Alcohol does something for him that it doesn't for me, and that I can't understand. It doesn't make him a failure as a human being.

--BG
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Old 08-01-2009, 01:27 PM
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1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
 
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I don't love him like a husband anymore, no romantic feeling left. I love him like a relative still, and always will.

That is the consequence of him not filling the tank of his wife with the love that should happen between partners, the intimacies in all areas of a healthy relationship between a husband and a wife, lovers. I could not run on fumes any longer. My romantic love for him is depleted.
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Old 08-01-2009, 02:01 PM
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I am dealing with this myself right now as well. I am trying to set boundaries and be emotionally detached. I don't yell at him anymore and and I have no interest in is affectionate advances. He of course does not understand this. I cringe when he says I love you because I don't want to say it back. I want to yell I hate you and how much he has hurt me. I am so angry that it's the only emotion I can feel.
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:06 AM
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I read through all of your posts again this morning after my AH tried to make me feel bad for not driving him to work this morning (he knows I am not driving him anymore, but he decided to drink and smoke weed last night instead of making sure that the buses would be running this morning. As a result he was extremely angry when he got to the bus stop and found out that there was no bus scheduled this early in the morning and he had no ride to work. So he tried to make me take him... I calmly refused. He ended up calling one of his coworkers, bitching about me and was picked up by her). So, I just wanted to thank you all again for your support... all of your advice and stories are helping me so much in times when I start doubting myself again.
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:29 AM
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Sapphire: I'm sorry you're hurting ... I know how anger can overshadow all the love. I have moved past that anger (at least for now I'm sure it will show up again eventually) by reminding me that he doesn't drink to hurt me (people kept saying QTIP = Quit taking it personally). I still love him very much (mostly the loving, caring, sober side of him), but I'm also starting to see me showing indifference at times (times where I shut him out completely to protect myself... like putting up a wall again that he had broken down when we first started dating). It's the indifference that scares me (I don't want to become cold, I don't want to stop feeling).
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:58 AM
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I love the man I thought he was, and the man I wish he was. I no longer love the man he really is.
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Old 02-07-2010, 06:57 AM
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wow

I have been living with an AH for 4 years...and kicked him out this past Friday. I too have fallen out of love with him. I spent the last year detaching myself from him in order to keep my sanity and self esteem. I have two daughters from a previous marriage and THEY are my priority. I begged my AH to quit drinking for a long time and was told he would "never quit"...so I finally just kicked him out. He then decided that he is going to quit drinking but told me he can only do it with my support. I felt so heartless telling him that 1.I don't believe him and 2. I don't want that responsibility...he needs to leave and if he chooses to quit...good for him...but I'm done. I don't want my kids to grow up with a step dad who is an alcoholic. Having him drunk around my girls even risked me losing custody to my x...that wasn't enough for him to quit...which made me actually secretly hate him. My AH's mom keeps asking me to let him recover at home with me and that he needs me and that this is part of the "for better or worse" part of a marriage. I told her that I needed to do what was best for my children, end of story. As strong as I feel about my choice there was a huge voice in my head telling me I was heartless, and my AH said the same thing. Reading all of these posts gives me comfort that I am not alone, and that I am not the heartless b that he makes me feel like. Thank you all so much for posting your stories...It has given me the strength to stick to my decision...no matter how many crying pleas I get from my AH or his mom.
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Lotus2009 View Post
So he tried to make me take him... I calmly refused. He ended up calling one of his coworkers, bitching about me and was picked up by her.
Just wanted to chime in to say congratulations Lotus for sticking to your boundary. It must have been rather difficult to refuse and yet you did it without a problem.

Yay for you!
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:20 PM
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For me personally, anyone from whom I have to detach too often seems to pretty quickly become someone with whom I'm not going to want to be in a life-partner type relationship.

It seems like for me, regardless of the person or the nature of the relationship, there are obviously most likely going to be some times when I'm going to have to detach -- either because the other person is in a bad place or because I am (in which case I tend to become pretty detached from any non-essential person or thing because I try to keep my energy close).

Detachment, for me, is an important coping skill either when my own energy is (temporarily) low (or temporarily needed elsewhere) or when the person or situation from which I'm detaching is (temporarily) in a state where being connected to him/her/it emotionally is becoming so draining that it's dangerous for me.

And, while coping skills are helpful and very important to have, I don't really have any desire to "live" my life in "coping" mode! Happiness, freedom and joy are more along the lines of what I believe "living" is truly about.

So, for me, if, in order to protect myself, I'm having to detach more often than not over a significant period of time in the context of my supposedly intimate life-partnership, then, really that relationship is not, according to my standards, either intimate or a partnership...and it's time for me to do the honest thing and quit pretending to myself and/or anyone else that it is.

As far as being sexual with a supposed spouse or life partner when either one of you is truly not present (emotionally or spiritually) in the relationship, I really do not recommend it -- no matter how badly you might want the sex. Been there, done that -- scuzziest sex I've ever had:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2164676

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