He doesn't want me to tell the kids he's an alcoholic but how else to explain his behavior?
This is SO hard on our kids; I worry so much about what will be the best for them. I finally realized that they might not forgive me for "making Daddy go away" but they also might not forgive me for enabling Daddy's alcoholism for years and years.
this was by far and away the worst bit for me, trying to do what is best for them, effectively seperating their needs from their father's and mine.
my children are 1 and 6, I am seperated from my husband and am divorcing him. I gave him 9 months living apart to stop drinking after many ultimatums, changing my behaviour, trying to explain it in a way he's understand. He still drinks.
read the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholcis) forum, google ACOA and see what the major problems are. Being lied to, growing up in a situation that is very far from normal and being forced to try and accept it as normal is a huge burden to a developing mind.
I realised that seperating them from the daily influence of 1) his drinking and mood swings and 2) my inability to detach effectively from his drinking and mood swings (and abuse) was the best way forward.
first I told the eldest (he was 5) that we would live apart because we were arguing to much and would try and both work on our problems (which was the truth as I saw it at the time, just not all of it). I have gradually been able to seperate my shame and H's need for secrecy from the imperative not to lie to my children. When my son asked what the breathalyser was for, I told him, I also told him that daddy has an illness. He doesn't understand this, he has a very literal, physical understanding of sickness: he's 6. He doesn't remember a lot of what went on, and I am glad about that mostly, he misses his daddy, sometimes he is sad and angry at me, and that is
hard but I am a big grown woman, and I get to contain him and love him whilst he goes through that.
I have put him in this situation, by choosing a daddy for him who is an alcoholic, his daddy has chosen to perpetuate and compound this situation for him by refusing to seek help.
I am glad that he isn't still screaming at the top of the stairs for his daddy to stop snoring (which would wake the street) when he has passed out on the floor. I am glad that he isn't being forced out of his bed by a drunken father, or an unknown friend of his drunken father, any more.
I am glad that they can make all the noise they want on a sunday morning, that I don't try and keep them quiet anymore, with even the sound of their footsteps eliciting a tirade.
I am glad that in the future, the main reason they will be embarrassed to bring friends home is their mother's taste in music, not that they have no idea what state dad will be in.
sorry that was a very long reply, I am feeling this a lot today.