supporting husband in recovery

Old 02-04-2010, 10:34 AM
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supporting husband in recovery

Three months ago I told my alcoholic husband that if he didn't quit drinking and go into treatment, I would divorce him. We have 3 kids in elementary school. I retained a lawyer and filed for divorce.

He agreed but wanted to "do it his way." He moved in and out a couple of times, then returned home before Christmas and started an out-patient recovery program. The program lasted 8 weeks. After 5 weeks, he said that he was grateful to me for pointing out that he was drinking too much, and didn't want to do that anymore. He also said he wasn't an alcoholic (people in the recovery program were much worse off than he was) and that he wanted to be a "social drinker."

I said that if he was drinking at all, in any way, I would divorce him. So now he has quit the recovery program, and is home, sober. I still don't trust him, and the kids are still upset by all his bad behavior in the past few months. He doesn't have any support for being sober, but doesn't feel he needs it as he (wrongly) thinks he has control over alcohol.

I don't know what to do now. It's great that he's sober, but I feel like we're all just waiting for a relapse. It's hard to move forward with repairing our relationship because I don't trust him. He hasn't apologized to me or the kids or even discussed this with the kids. Does anybody have any suggestions?
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Old 02-04-2010, 11:59 AM
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Have you gone to Al-Anon to get some much needed support?

Right now, it's a bit early to be repairing the relationship. As you said, you feel as though you're waiting for him to relapse. If I understand correctly, your husband has only been sober 3 months now? That is a very short amount of time, and he is currently without any suppport. I think I've read on SR that *usually*, AA recommends not making any major decisions in the first year of sobriety...so perhaps you can put your relationship with him on hold while you focus on yourself?
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Old 02-04-2010, 12:44 PM
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I hate to tell you to continue being on guard, but frankly I can't see much positive in your post. There are so many flags on this play they're covering the field. I'm so sorry. Could your husband beat the odds? Sure, some have, but I kinda just see doom and gloom on the horizon.


Please take the advice to start attending al-anon, take care of yourself and your #1 priority - your children - and let him do his "recovery". I don't know what else you can do at this moment.
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Old 02-04-2010, 12:54 PM
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[QUOTE=Janeene;2506085]Three months ago I told my alcoholic husband that if he didn't quit drinking and go into treatment, I would divorce him.

He also said he wasn't an alcoholic (people in the recovery program were much worse off than he was) and that he wanted to be a "social drinker."

I said that if he was drinking at all, in any way, I would divorce him. So now he has quit the recovery program, and is home, sober. [QUOTE]


Welcome!
Kudos to your courage in making your needs so clear.

While he is currently not drinking (that you know of), he:
1. says he's not an alcoholic
2. quit his recovery program (an aspect of your requirements)
3. says he wants to be a social drinker (what?)
4. takes no responsibility and expresses no regrets

I see dry drunk. I don't see treatment and sobriety.
So, OF COURSE you have a problem with trust.

My husband is a lot of talk and no responsibility. His talk (and back and forth behavior) can keep me strung along for months. Its just quacking.
My husband will do all sorts of things to:
a. keep me around
b. not make any changes

Boy, your AH did a number on you by following your requests in the letter but not the spirit! He "quit" and "went" to treatment! You have nothing to complain about, right?

As I see more and more of that craziness, the less and less tolerance I have.

The part that I would get hung up on if I were you is the denial of alcoholism and the "social drinker" part. But if you want to wait till he drinks again, you can do that and THEN move forward with divorce and/or the requirement that he go (fully) through rehab/treatment and be clean for a year.

You could choose anything. My main point is you have every reason to feel "off" about where your relationship is and you have already exhibited clarity in identifying your needs and feelings. Go back to yourself. Trust your unease. Ask yourself what would give you peace.

Good luck. Hang in there!

w
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Old 02-04-2010, 01:35 PM
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Thanks for the input. I went to Al-Anon for a long time, tried different meetings, etc. but it wasn't helping me. After each meeting I felt even more hopeless.

It was through the strength and advice of a friend that I managed to take the actions I did.

My husband says AA and the recovery program don't work for him because he "has control over alcohol." He can't get to step 1, admitting he's powerless. When I talk to him, he doesn't listen.

After I said he couldn't drink in our home, he moved out so he could continue drinking. I explained to the kids that I loved him and hoped he would get better but that he was sick. He doesn't want me to tell the kids he's an alcoholic but how else to explain his behavior?

I feel like we're all just waiting for him to come home drunk, then I divorce him. I guess it's up to him, but how to make him realize and accept that he's an alcoholic?
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Old 02-04-2010, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Janeene View Post
I guess it's up to him, but how to make him realize and accept that he's an alcoholic?
As hard as this may be to accept, you simply cannot. You do not have the power to influence or control his thoughts, feelings and actions. You only have power over your own.
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Old 02-04-2010, 02:09 PM
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how do you...?

the truth is he just doesn't see it. he really doesn't. i am glad he's not in the home, around the children. although you didn't really take to al-anon, there is ala-tot and ala-teen in larger cites. my children weren't told too much at a young age, but i incorporated this and that, bits of infomation in just day-to-day life. now that they are young adults, i think they have always thought of their dad as alcohlic. the good news about all that, is that i started educating them, and acquiring tools that i then tried to hand down to them.
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Old 02-04-2010, 02:26 PM
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I was hoping that my threat to divorce him would be the wake-up call. I realize now that, in all likelihood, we'll actually get divorced. Maybe that won't even do it. This is SO hard on our kids; I worry so much about what will be the best for them. I finally realized that they might not forgive me for "making Daddy go away" but they also might not forgive me for enabling Daddy's alcoholism for years and years.

He is living with us now.
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Old 02-04-2010, 03:39 PM
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Your kids may wonder why you "enabled" their dad for so long, but if they can get imfo on alcoholism from Alateen, Alanon and some threads and stickies here, it may help to explain why. It sure would let them know that you are only 1 in millions of wives who thru NOT KNOWING much, if anything about alcoholism, did what they believed was the duty of a GOOD wife, and tried to support them.

As for your AH, well I also have grave doubts he will change for the better anytime soon, admit he DOES have a problem and really work a program.
I still shudder in disbelief when I hear of someone having gone into Rehab, decide that because they aren't YET at the end stages of this disease, THEY CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC.
If they had diabetes would they deny it, because they had NOT gone into a diabetic coma YET?

I think this image says where he is at, but right now...WHERE are YOU at?
Caring for yourself I hope, my dear.

God bless

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Old 02-04-2010, 03:47 PM
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Jadmack - your pictures crack me up.
And about someone that has diabetes...
I sat outside the hospital for a long time with my newly diagnosed husband. THe doctor called the day after my husband went to see him (it took me MONTHS of badgering him to get him to make an appointment!). He told us to drive IMMEDIATELY to the emergency room and check my husband in.

We sat outside, my husband refusing to enter. He felt like if he went in, he would really have diabetes and his life would never be the same again. Even though the doctor had diagnosed him, it wasn't real. Even though he already had it (and had been suffering from it for months).
He DID NOT want to go in. He said he considered leaving. Or suicide. Anything to not go in and have it be real.
He eventually went in, but it took a fierce interal battle on his part!
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Old 02-04-2010, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Janeene View Post
He hasn't apologized to me or the kids or even discussed this with the kids. Does anybody have any suggestions?
He may never apologize to you and the kids. He doesn't believe he has a problem. He thinks you have the problem.

That's alcoholic thinking.

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.
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Old 02-04-2010, 07:10 PM
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We are all right here with you, Janeene - although at different points in our own recovery and with spouses/SO/family members in differents stages of their denial and/or recovery.

Your H is not in recovery. He is merely not drinking right now. He hasn't changed his behaviors and he isn't a healthy member of your family. You and your kiddos might as well focus on getting yourselves healthy as you can't do anything about him right now.

Welcome.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:23 AM
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The best thing I EVER did, to understand recovery, and see what it really looks like, was go to a lot of open AA meetings, meet some people who had turned their drinking, their attitudes, their habits, their relationships - their souls - around and done it with the gut-level commitment of someone who KNOWS it's do-or-die. Once you see the tangible difference in someone who has made that decision for themself to change, you can see it a mile away. The confusion evaporates and you have crystal clarity what is BS and posturing and manipulation, and what is RECOVERY. And then, seeing this with clarity, it makes it very easy to either support, or detach from a person as they make their choices.

It's the ever present self-doubts and negotiations with SELF that do the most damage to loved ones of addicts. We twist ourselves into pretzels, trying to create a reality where the addict is on the path of our magical thinking. Once we have clarity of what recovery looks like in a person, it's hard to sustain that magical thinking, and OUR decisions become much easier, what we are dealing with, and what we might want to consider.

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Old 02-05-2010, 04:15 AM
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that continual waiting for a relapse is so draining - I have to do that every few days. My ABF hasn't even made it to a full week without alcohol since i met him, despite him giving up about 50 times. Makes me sound stupid for even partly believing him each time.
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:26 AM
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He doesn't want me to tell the kids he's an alcoholic but how else to explain his behavior?
This is SO hard on our kids; I worry so much about what will be the best for them. I finally realized that they might not forgive me for "making Daddy go away" but they also might not forgive me for enabling Daddy's alcoholism for years and years.
this was by far and away the worst bit for me, trying to do what is best for them, effectively seperating their needs from their father's and mine.

my children are 1 and 6, I am seperated from my husband and am divorcing him. I gave him 9 months living apart to stop drinking after many ultimatums, changing my behaviour, trying to explain it in a way he's understand. He still drinks.

read the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholcis) forum, google ACOA and see what the major problems are. Being lied to, growing up in a situation that is very far from normal and being forced to try and accept it as normal is a huge burden to a developing mind.

I realised that seperating them from the daily influence of 1) his drinking and mood swings and 2) my inability to detach effectively from his drinking and mood swings (and abuse) was the best way forward.

first I told the eldest (he was 5) that we would live apart because we were arguing to much and would try and both work on our problems (which was the truth as I saw it at the time, just not all of it). I have gradually been able to seperate my shame and H's need for secrecy from the imperative not to lie to my children. When my son asked what the breathalyser was for, I told him, I also told him that daddy has an illness. He doesn't understand this, he has a very literal, physical understanding of sickness: he's 6. He doesn't remember a lot of what went on, and I am glad about that mostly, he misses his daddy, sometimes he is sad and angry at me, and that is hard but I am a big grown woman, and I get to contain him and love him whilst he goes through that.

I have put him in this situation, by choosing a daddy for him who is an alcoholic, his daddy has chosen to perpetuate and compound this situation for him by refusing to seek help.

I am glad that he isn't still screaming at the top of the stairs for his daddy to stop snoring (which would wake the street) when he has passed out on the floor. I am glad that he isn't being forced out of his bed by a drunken father, or an unknown friend of his drunken father, any more.

I am glad that they can make all the noise they want on a sunday morning, that I don't try and keep them quiet anymore, with even the sound of their footsteps eliciting a tirade.

I am glad that in the future, the main reason they will be embarrassed to bring friends home is their mother's taste in music, not that they have no idea what state dad will be in.

sorry that was a very long reply, I am feeling this a lot today.
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:01 AM
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Janeene...how are *you* doing today? Inquiring minds want to know...
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Old 02-08-2010, 03:23 PM
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Thank you for asking. I feel as if I see this very clearly. We're just waiting for a relapse, then I go through with the divorce. I had hoped that the fear of losing us would change him, but I see now that isn't happening. He's doing stuff like coaching our son's T-ball team and otherwise acting like he's OK. But every time he's a minute late coming home from work, I get scared. I wonder what "taking care of myself and the kids" means. It makes them so happy when he's around and sober. I keep thinking that he's made it one more day with them, and that's good, but on the other hand, I almost want him to relapse and get it over with so I don't have to dread it. I can handle it but the kids...I don't know.

Nobody has told his parents but 2 of his brothers who are recovering alcoholics know. I know he'd be furious if I told them but I wonder if I should. Why wouldn't you want people to know that you'd stopped drinking so that they could be supportive? My family and friends all know.
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Old 02-08-2010, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Janeene View Post
Why wouldn't you want people to know that you'd stopped drinking so that they could be supportive? My family and friends all know.
Because he is not committed. He is setting up his next "relapse".

I think you are wise to have a plan. It is awful waiting for the other shoe to drop, but with a plan in your head, you will be much more likely to follow through. That is what I did and it was almost like Dominoes, how everything fell into place.

Also: you said you know you know you can handle it, but what about your kids? Of course there will be sadness, maybe some anger (perhaps at you, cuz even if you don't tell them, they will know you instigated the divorce) and an adjustment period. But yes, they can most certainly handle it.
They really can.



Here we are for you!
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Old 02-08-2010, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
I think you are wise to have a plan. It is awful waiting for the other shoe to drop, but with a plan in your head, you will be much more likely to follow through. That is what I did and it was almost like Dominoes, how everything fell into place.




Here we are for you!
What happened with you and your kids?

One of the reasons I gave my husband the ultimatum is that our oldest, age 9, commented that he didn't care what I thought at all. It was just like saying he didn't have any respect for me. And he didn't/doesn't.

And I am sure I will follow through. If I was strong enough to take the stand, I can do this, too. But we're not a partnership anymore, I'm holding a gun to his head. I can do this, but I'm so sad about everything. I was seeing a therapist, but got tired of her just saying, "Well you have to decide how you feel about that..."
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