TriumphTriple

Well, I certainly wish that were introducing myself under more pleasant circumstances, but here we are.

Everyone gets hangovers, and most simply plot through it and may go months or years before having another one. I'm the exact opposite as when I wake up from a particularly good, alcohol-free sleep (this is exceedingly rare), I'm reminded that it's how normal people feel most every morning! Wow! The cycle is stupid and as reliable as the sunrise: the abject pain of hangovers followed by the inevitable consumption of alcohol to "lessen" the symptoms. This occurs virtually every day.

Well, I have not been forced into a epiphany. I have not crashed my vehicle or otherwise gotten in any serious trouble. But life feels like dragging a car with four flat tires across a gravel road. Every day is grueling, and it's alcohol that simultaneously provides the problems and makes them feel less painful. My alcoholism has given me the most useless, desolate, and punishing existence. And it just never ends. This is certainly a case of "sick and tired of being sick and tired."

I'm definitely a full-on drunk, as opposed to a "problem drinker." If I am out of alcohol, it weighs on my mind. After a couple of days, I get the shakes and minor hallucinations. But you know what? I want this crap to stop. Whereas life was once full of love, hobbies, and other normal stuff, it's now a soul-dead dredge trough the weeks and years.
I'm also terrified that I will crash my motorcycle. I am very good about not driving drunk...but how many more nights can I be trusted not to get blind drunk and, therefore, abdicate reason and safety? If alcohol didn't rob of us common sense, there would be far less people in jail or on suspension. I think that most people would ever choose the terrible things we do while drinking, which is why so many of us awake in a vat of shame.

I was once able to stop at "my limit," but those limits have been obliterated - if there is alcohol in front of me I will continue drinking it until I run out or fall into a coma. That's what so scary...I'm a nice, law-abiding dude but how can I control my behavior when I'm barely conscious? At least when I was merely a 'heavy drinker' I could stop before losing all control.

I have detoxed twice before. but the euphoria of being sober eventually yields to life sucking and needing some stimulation. When I fall off the wagon, it's not because I crave a drink - it's because I crave some method of avoidance, and alcohol is legal and relatively cheap! Were other drugs as readily available at the corner store I'd be abusing them, too, or instead.
Since my drinking has severely lessened my quality of life (and thus reasons to stay sober), this is another stupid cycle! But what the heck, I have to try again. For starters, my liver probably looks awful. It stopped returning my calls several years ago.
I'm a non-believer but still attend AA meetings for the power of the collective to work on a similar goal. Being currently uninsured, AA is basically my only option, anyway. Wish me luck and perseverance! Because this all must stop! I've enjoyed reading the stories of how so many people have discovered the beauty in sobriety, and I want to join you.