Ashamed, miserable, and blindingly hungover. Again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
Ashamed, miserable, and blindingly hungover. Again.
Well, I certainly wish that were introducing myself under more pleasant circumstances, but here we are.
Everyone gets hangovers, and most simply plot through it and may go months or years before having another one. I'm the exact opposite as when I wake up from a particularly good, alcohol-free sleep (this is exceedingly rare), I'm reminded that it's how normal people feel most every morning! Wow! The cycle is stupid and as reliable as the sunrise: the abject pain of hangovers followed by the inevitable consumption of alcohol to "lessen" the symptoms. This occurs virtually every day.
Well, I have not been forced into a epiphany. I have not crashed my vehicle or otherwise gotten in any serious trouble. But life feels like dragging a car with four flat tires across a gravel road. Every day is grueling, and it's alcohol that simultaneously provides the problems and makes them feel less painful. My alcoholism has given me the most useless, desolate, and punishing existence. And it just never ends. This is certainly a case of "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
I'm definitely a full-on drunk, as opposed to a "problem drinker." If I am out of alcohol, it weighs on my mind. After a couple of days, I get the shakes and minor hallucinations. But you know what? I want this crap to stop. Whereas life was once full of love, hobbies, and other normal stuff, it's now a soul-dead dredge trough the weeks and years.
I'm also terrified that I will crash my motorcycle. I am very good about not driving drunk...but how many more nights can I be trusted not to get blind drunk and, therefore, abdicate reason and safety? If alcohol didn't rob of us common sense, there would be far less people in jail or on suspension. I think that most people would ever choose the terrible things we do while drinking, which is why so many of us awake in a vat of shame.
I was once able to stop at "my limit," but those limits have been obliterated - if there is alcohol in front of me I will continue drinking it until I run out or fall into a coma. That's what so scary...I'm a nice, law-abiding dude but how can I control my behavior when I'm barely conscious? At least when I was merely a 'heavy drinker' I could stop before losing all control.
I have detoxed twice before. but the euphoria of being sober eventually yields to life sucking and needing some stimulation. When I fall off the wagon, it's not because I crave a drink - it's because I crave some method of avoidance, and alcohol is legal and relatively cheap! Were other drugs as readily available at the corner store I'd be abusing them, too, or instead.
Since my drinking has severely lessened my quality of life (and thus reasons to stay sober), this is another stupid cycle! But what the heck, I have to try again. For starters, my liver probably looks awful. It stopped returning my calls several years ago.
I'm a non-believer but still attend AA meetings for the power of the collective to work on a similar goal. Being currently uninsured, AA is basically my only option, anyway. Wish me luck and perseverance! Because this all must stop! I've enjoyed reading the stories of how so many people have discovered the beauty in sobriety, and I want to join you.
Everyone gets hangovers, and most simply plot through it and may go months or years before having another one. I'm the exact opposite as when I wake up from a particularly good, alcohol-free sleep (this is exceedingly rare), I'm reminded that it's how normal people feel most every morning! Wow! The cycle is stupid and as reliable as the sunrise: the abject pain of hangovers followed by the inevitable consumption of alcohol to "lessen" the symptoms. This occurs virtually every day.
Well, I have not been forced into a epiphany. I have not crashed my vehicle or otherwise gotten in any serious trouble. But life feels like dragging a car with four flat tires across a gravel road. Every day is grueling, and it's alcohol that simultaneously provides the problems and makes them feel less painful. My alcoholism has given me the most useless, desolate, and punishing existence. And it just never ends. This is certainly a case of "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
I'm definitely a full-on drunk, as opposed to a "problem drinker." If I am out of alcohol, it weighs on my mind. After a couple of days, I get the shakes and minor hallucinations. But you know what? I want this crap to stop. Whereas life was once full of love, hobbies, and other normal stuff, it's now a soul-dead dredge trough the weeks and years.
I'm also terrified that I will crash my motorcycle. I am very good about not driving drunk...but how many more nights can I be trusted not to get blind drunk and, therefore, abdicate reason and safety? If alcohol didn't rob of us common sense, there would be far less people in jail or on suspension. I think that most people would ever choose the terrible things we do while drinking, which is why so many of us awake in a vat of shame.
I was once able to stop at "my limit," but those limits have been obliterated - if there is alcohol in front of me I will continue drinking it until I run out or fall into a coma. That's what so scary...I'm a nice, law-abiding dude but how can I control my behavior when I'm barely conscious? At least when I was merely a 'heavy drinker' I could stop before losing all control.
I have detoxed twice before. but the euphoria of being sober eventually yields to life sucking and needing some stimulation. When I fall off the wagon, it's not because I crave a drink - it's because I crave some method of avoidance, and alcohol is legal and relatively cheap! Were other drugs as readily available at the corner store I'd be abusing them, too, or instead.
Since my drinking has severely lessened my quality of life (and thus reasons to stay sober), this is another stupid cycle! But what the heck, I have to try again. For starters, my liver probably looks awful. It stopped returning my calls several years ago.
I'm a non-believer but still attend AA meetings for the power of the collective to work on a similar goal. Being currently uninsured, AA is basically my only option, anyway. Wish me luck and perseverance! Because this all must stop! I've enjoyed reading the stories of how so many people have discovered the beauty in sobriety, and I want to join you.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
That was a good read. It sounds like you are on your way. You're ready. MANY people have no idea what alcohol is doing to them. It takes months, and months, to get there. You're ripe for sobriety. I hope you go for it.
I'm a non-believer but still attend AA meetings for the power of the collective to work on a similar goal.
I'm pretty sure you know that you're not the only one. ;-)
I'm a non-believer but still attend AA meetings for the power of the collective to work on a similar goal.
I'm pretty sure you know that you're not the only one. ;-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
Thanks for your kind words, Alizerin. I do feel more "ready" this time. One of the things that's different now is that I'm getting older, and people who drink to my quantities generally don't make it out alive. And while I've contemplated suicide as most alcoholics might), I do NOT want to die of liver failure! Jeez, few things are as nasty as that.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by TriumphTriple 
... I was once able to stop at "my limit," but those limits have been obliterated - if there is alcohol in front of me I will continue drinking it until I run out or fall into a coma.
Plus, if you are like me, no amount of clean time will restore your control.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 81
I dont feel comfortable giving advice cuz I haven't even gotten to day 30 yet, but I have gotten to day 20 and I was just like you a few weeks ago. All you can do is get rid of any and all alcohol in your place and not buy more. Stay busy til the liquor store closes. Thats was my only goal the first few days and doing that will be an accomplishment. Watch movies,read, stare at the wall etc Just stay busy and be ready for insomnia and cravings. But you can do it. Get the balling rolling NOW.
*i can't give medical advice, you should go to detox if u can, etc
*i can't give medical advice, you should go to detox if u can, etc
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Alizerin
How long has it been since you had a drink? When you detoxed the two times before were you able to go to a facility? Detox facility and some kind of rehab?
I am seeing a physician tomorrow for advice.
My biggest hurdle in sobriety was never the quitting part. After a reasonable amount of time I can actually feel my body healing, and it's pretty awesome to feel sober and strong. I told myself that I'd be insane to deliberately poison myself and feel like $#@! again, and this is pretty effective. But my issue can occur at any point in sobriety, and long after the physical need has passed - that I will seek out alcohol as the most effective and immediate form of psychological treatment available to me. This is the most infuriating catch-22 of all time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
I will try to stay positive and point out one GOOD thing about detox: SKITTLES!!! It's what I use to placate those massive carb cravings. Jelly beans are also lots of fun. I normally don't dig sweets but MAN those cravings hit hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 21
Hi,
thanks for a great thread!I think you are truly on your way.You know exactly what you don't want,and are looking for the solution!I wish you well in your journey.The problem is alcohol.The solution is developing a "toolkit" if you will, that keeps you from picking up.A.A. can work for you,but for me I have to expand,and be open to anything that keeps my alcoholism in check.The more resources you acquire,the easier it is.
thanks for a great thread!I think you are truly on your way.You know exactly what you don't want,and are looking for the solution!I wish you well in your journey.The problem is alcohol.The solution is developing a "toolkit" if you will, that keeps you from picking up.A.A. can work for you,but for me I have to expand,and be open to anything that keeps my alcoholism in check.The more resources you acquire,the easier it is.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"I am seeing a physician tomorrow for advice."
That Say's a lot about who you are. It's taking action - Being proactive about caring about yourself, I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you how many people don't do this. It also tells me you're willing to take suggestions. :-)
That's a great place to be.
That Say's a lot about who you are. It's taking action - Being proactive about caring about yourself, I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you how many people don't do this. It also tells me you're willing to take suggestions. :-)
That's a great place to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
Well, I just had my first small victory. I needed to go the store, but I walked straight past the alcohol aisle. You have to remember that I'm still insanely hungover, so if I was ever going to break down, now is the time.
Trying to Enjoy Life Now
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by TriumphTriple
I will try to stay positive and point out one GOOD thing about detox: SKITTLES!!! It's what I use to placate those massive carb cravings. Jelly beans are also lots of fun. I normally don't dig sweets but MAN those cravings hit hard.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
You no longer have to wake up ashamed, miserable, and hungover. I hope you can get and stay sober. Sobriety has really improved the quality of my life. I hope you can give it a good try. :ghug3
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Welcome and congrats... good to have you here and like others mentioned, seems you're ready. I too would suggest AA meetings; whether you release yourself to the whole thing or not it's certainly a good starting place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Howdy Triumph,
Your description of the progression of alcoholism rings very true for me. It's similar to my own history.
Yepper, that's the business, isn't it? Quitting is easy(or not). Staying quit is impossible. This is what the founders of AA and that first batch of recovered alcoholics found as well. It matches my experience perfectly.
After a time without booze, life just sort of sucked. I got bored, (restless irritable, and discontent), frustrated, anxious, angry, you name it. And I would drink again and start the cycle over.
That last sentence sums it up for me. Unless I could experience an entire psychic change, I was doomed to keep repeating that cycle.
As long as you are hanging out in AA meetings, you might want to check out the directions for having that psychic change. It sure doesn't happen by hanging out in meetings.
Your description of the progression of alcoholism rings very true for me. It's similar to my own history.
Originally Posted by TriumphTriple
My biggest hurdle in sobriety was never the quitting part...... that I will seek out alcohol as the most effective and immediate form of psychological treatment available to me. This is the most infuriating catch-22 of all time.
After a time without booze, life just sort of sucked. I got bored, (restless irritable, and discontent), frustrated, anxious, angry, you name it. And I would drink again and start the cycle over.
Originally Posted by AA Big Book 1st Ed.
After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
As long as you are hanging out in AA meetings, you might want to check out the directions for having that psychic change. It sure doesn't happen by hanging out in meetings.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 21
On day 2 now, which has been in my experience the day when withdrawal symptoms hit. I don't have any serious symptoms yet, aside from being seriously !@#$ irritated. I do have a ton of sweets, athletic drinks, water, and some OTC sleeping pills which never seem to work, but also seem better than nothing.
It's about to get fun, kids! Ugh. But I know what awaits on the other side, namely not feeling like I've been poisoned and run down by a truck. So my advice (to myself and to others) is to keep the "eye on the prize." Not feeling like $#@! is really, really special after you've so many months or years continually poisoning yourself.
It's about to get fun, kids! Ugh. But I know what awaits on the other side, namely not feeling like I've been poisoned and run down by a truck. So my advice (to myself and to others) is to keep the "eye on the prize." Not feeling like $#@! is really, really special after you've so many months or years continually poisoning yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Hi TriumphTriple,
I've gotten myself in serious trouble, and let me tell you...
It isn't worth it!!!
I tried to be Mr. Cool Guy by drinking and drugging and all it did was give me hell and make nobody want to be around me. Oh sure, it was rockstar fun once in awhile but once the problems piled on..
Here are some of the stupid things I've done:
1) hit a Stop sign and had the cops pull me out of the car, from the passenger side since a tree was blocking the driver side door.
2) got a DWI because my lights shorted out, which cost me my freedom for half a year, a bunch of fines, caused me unbelievable embarassment and shame, and forced my parents to drive me to work during that time.
3) cursed out, hurt, and frustrated people to no end.
4) made people not want to spend time with me
The list goes on and on. There are plenty of things I don't want to mention because they're just too embarassing.
I didn't even touch on the drugs part of my addiction from years ago, but needless to say it was just as scary I'm sure I was close to death on a few occasions. Stop now while you still can and go back to some of your old hobbies. You don't WANT to hit bottom!
By the way, I noticed what you noticed also. Getting up in the morning is something to look forward to instead of something to dread.
I've gotten myself in serious trouble, and let me tell you...
It isn't worth it!!!
I tried to be Mr. Cool Guy by drinking and drugging and all it did was give me hell and make nobody want to be around me. Oh sure, it was rockstar fun once in awhile but once the problems piled on..
Here are some of the stupid things I've done:
1) hit a Stop sign and had the cops pull me out of the car, from the passenger side since a tree was blocking the driver side door.
2) got a DWI because my lights shorted out, which cost me my freedom for half a year, a bunch of fines, caused me unbelievable embarassment and shame, and forced my parents to drive me to work during that time.
3) cursed out, hurt, and frustrated people to no end.
4) made people not want to spend time with me
The list goes on and on. There are plenty of things I don't want to mention because they're just too embarassing.
I didn't even touch on the drugs part of my addiction from years ago, but needless to say it was just as scary I'm sure I was close to death on a few occasions. Stop now while you still can and go back to some of your old hobbies. You don't WANT to hit bottom!
Originally Posted by TriumphTriple
On day 2 now, which has been in my experience the day when withdrawal symptoms hit. I don't have any serious symptoms yet, aside from being seriously !@#$ irritated. I do have a ton of sweets, athletic drinks, water, and some OTC sleeping pills which never seem to work, but also seem better than nothing.
It's about to get fun, kids! Ugh. But I know what awaits on the other side, namely not feeling like I've been poisoned and run down by a truck. So my advice (to myself and to others) is to keep the "eye on the prize." Not feeling like $#@! is really, really special after you've so many months or years continually poisoning yourself.
It's about to get fun, kids! Ugh. But I know what awaits on the other side, namely not feeling like I've been poisoned and run down by a truck. So my advice (to myself and to others) is to keep the "eye on the prize." Not feeling like $#@! is really, really special after you've so many months or years continually poisoning yourself.
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