my question was how do i learn how to focus on me and my life instead of obsessing over his,
Probably one of the hardest things to practice until it becomes easier...excellent question!
My daughter was the addicted love one in my life that brought me to my knees and got me focused on my own recovery. She was 19 at the time I learned she was snorting heroin. In the time period where she was first trying to do it on her own and then in and out of rehabs and detox, I was pretty obsessed with what she was doing, the drama in her life, whether she was using, who she was with, etc.
The primary thing that helped me was working my own program...I came here, I went to a week long program for families of addicts, I started attending Naranon and talking with others in the rooms and working on steps. There were times where I was pretty sure my daughter was with someone I didn't trust or that she used, or she was gone and I didn't know where, etc. What helped me most was to catch myself as I started to obsess...to force myself to think about something else....To get out of my head and outside or call a recovery friend or read from recovery literature or say the Serenity Prayer a zillion times. I had to do it often...I guess I had to obsess about my own recovery the way I had been obsessing about my daughter. Sometimes I even talked out loud (alone) to get out of my own head...it really is hard to obsess and say the Serenity Prayer out loud at the same time
It took time and lots of work, but eventually it became a habit to
not obsess...to say in my head and in my heart that I was powerless and ask my higher power to help me. Now I use these tools in other areas of my life...whenever I try to control that which is not mine to attempt to control anyway.