obsessing over my brothers problems

Old 01-29-2010, 05:59 PM
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obsessing over my brothers problems

First and foremost he is still clean....just a week shy of 16 months VERY proud BUT here is whats been going on.

He met a girl back in October, a younger girl with a child he is going to be 23 and she just turned 18 ( told him it wasnt a good idea but of course he didnt listen) he met her at a meeting (next mistake). he was in a program kind of like a halfway house, but less rules, had to do meetings and counceling and be in by 1030pm. Well he didnt like the curfew cause he couldnt spend as much time with her as he wanted, so he talks to his family about moving in with his sponser, we thought he had been clean a lot longer then he had been, so we all decided sure if thats what you want go for it, he wanted more independace. well the day he moved in his sponser ended up in the ER for overdosing, come to find out hes only been clean a year himself. SO my brother decided its not the place for him, finds himself homeless yet again (he had been on and off for years do to his addiction) so he starts staying at the gf house, her brother says he can move in until he can find a place blah blah....they get a dog together, then find out she is now pregnant with my brothers child, they are nervous but happy.

A week ago today she turns into an evil evil woman, throws him out in the cold and slaps a restraining order on him, WELL he went into i dont care about anything mode, im going to get high and im going to kill myself.........then he doesnt answer the phone ALL day long! I get a text from him at 10pm saying he is ok. he was hanging out with drug addicts all day long debating on if he should use or not,

He ended up ripping his work check up so he couldnt cash it so he coudlnt use, I was very proud of him for that. Next day mom goes to get his dog cause the gf was going to sell HIS dog, makes my brother come home with her for the night so he has a bed, shower, warm place, He choses not to be there because that is a bad spot for him to be in, old places old friends, says he would rather sleep outside then in that area, but he saw mom upset and went home for the night. Saturday comes she brings him back so he can work, he didnt go to work, hasnt been feeling well due to Hep C instead meets up with her in a public place because of restraining order, so he had witnesses that she came to him, shes crying she misses him wants him back so she calls her brother and he says yes he can come back. So hes happy, talking about the baby, doing his life right, getting his GED all that, Fast foward to last night, they were suppose to sign on an apartment but didnt all of a sudden shes not helping him with any rent cause shes gonna go to school in boston and is taking train and needs her money, Ok so he cant afford it on his own meanwhile his family helped get the money together for him for the security deposit, now he tells me today she is in evil mode again, doesnt want to be touched and just real moody, blames in on pregnancy, Im sure it could be but not to the extent he tells me.

Now, i know im co dependant and i try not to think about his issues but i cant stop thinking about this, why does he stay? is he co dependant? why wont he get a room in case she throws him out again? all this crazy stuff goes through my head all day long, its HIS issue not mine but i feel SO SO bad about it, my heart aches for him, she is not a very nice girl at all, a typical 18 year old selfish person.......i wish he would walk away, he wont. hes gonna sit around until she throws him out and then what? the cycle is going to start over again, i have a child 2 yrs old to worry about and when this stuff goes on its ALL i can think about and im about to lose my mind. I love my brother but i dont love his problems!!!!! When he calls me upset i dont know how to tell him that i cant talk about it, i do my best to give my personal opinion but he never takes advise from anyone, always shoots it down...ugggh loving an addict is so so so hard!! Sorry so long
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:15 PM
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hi nichole, seems you are right, you are obsessing over your brothers problem which is not yours to own. from what you described, makes me wonder if he is telling the whole story. either way, i think it would be a good idea for you to explain to him how this is effecting you and that you would prefer him to try to figure things out for himself. there really is nothing you can do for him but you can began to focus on your own life. sorry i don't have answers to your questions. you can't control what he how he lives his life but you can control how you allow his life to effect you.

take care of you, your brother will eventually figure it out.
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:22 PM
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Take a look at your own life and make it and yourself all that you can be.
Work on your own relationships. Your own character defect.

He has to live his life the best he can...and it won't be how you live your life.

Try focusing on yourself and just accepting him w/o judgement.

PAIN, sorrow and tension comes when we don't accept what is.
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:17 PM
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UNlearning codependancy is really hard stuff. Your BROTHER is his own person. He's a grown butt man. If you express your love for him and pray alot, maybe everything will be okay. Kinda looks like meeting a romantic interest in a meeting may not be ideal. It's kinda like looking for broken people to hook up with. But it's HIS choice. Do you. My solution of everything is take a bubble bath and read a good book. Shave, lotion youself up and relax.
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Old 01-30-2010, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Nichole78 View Post

he went into i dont care about anything mode, im going to get high and im going to kill myself.........then he doesnt answer the phone ALL day long! I get a text from him at 10pm saying he is ok. he was hanging out with drug addicts all day long debating on if he should use or not


He ended up ripping his work check up so he couldnt cash it so he coudlnt use


he didnt go to work, hasnt been feeling well due to Hep C


why does he stay?

everyone who says to focus on yourself is right. but you already know that. you have some frustrations, and some confusion - that's why you posted.

last question in quote first:
he stays because they are both messed up, and their particular brands of "messed up" works for them in a crazy way.

cynical hit the nail on the head.

all of the above statements from your post are untrue, imo.

there is a little trick that addicts do: it's called "tell a sliver of a truth in a using story or scenario, and they will feel that you're being honest with them".

what i think the "debated all day long" with the other druggies really was, was that he did more than just "hung out"

he's really got a commitment going on about staying clean & sober; he can spend all day with using addicts, and when he feels tempted he is so committed that he rips up his check? why on god's green earth would he tear up a paycheck? wouldn't a rational person say "i don't trust myself right now; could you hold this money for me?" so i'm not buying that in five million years. remember, he did not answer his phone all day long, knowing that people who were concerned about him were the ones calling.

i know i have come across pretty callous here. it's totally what i see.

please let him go for now, sweetheart. we are here to support you in your quest to get healthier. if he wants to be sober, he knows how. if it looks like a duck and smells like a duck......
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Old 01-30-2010, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Nichole78 View Post
First and foremost he is still clean....just a week shy of 16 months VERY proud BUT here is whats been going on.

He met a girl back in October, he met her at a meeting (next mistake). he was in a program kind of like a halfway house, but less rules, had to do meetings and counceling and be in by 1030pm. Well he didnt like the curfew cause he couldnt spend as much time with her as he wanted, so he talks to his family about moving in with his sponser,..............

he wanted more independace. well the day he moved in his sponser he ended up in the ER for overdosing...................

He ended up ripping his work check up so he couldnt cash it so he coudlnt use, I was very proud of him for that. Next day mom goes to get his dog cause the gf was going to sell HIS dog,

he didnt go to work, hasnt been feeling well due to Hep C

they were suppose to sign on an apartment but didnt all of a sudden shes not helping him with any rent cause shes gonna go to school in boston and is taking train and needs her money, Ok so he cant afford it on his own meanwhile his family helped get the money together for him for the security deposit.
after reading what coffee said, i HAD to go back and read your original post. i knew something about his story did quite add up. i have to say i totally agree with her. in recovery, they would always say "its hard to kid a kidder".

first, i'm a recovering crack addict and in no way am i gonna hang around all day with druggies trying to fight using, and i sure as heck not gonna tear up my paycheck to keep from using.

i think its possible that he used the gf as an excuse to leave the halfway house. i mean he moved in with the sponsor and od.

so, whatever happened to the security deposit that his family gave him?

don't mean no harm but seems to me, they all were using epecially since the gf was willing to sell the dog.

in rehab, we all would sit around and have big laughs about all the crazy tall tales we told trying to get money for drugs or to protect our drug use, even though we were the only ones that the lies made sense to. not that anything was funny but we could see how pitiful our excuses and lies were.

honey, please focus on you. like i said before, he'll figure it out when he's ready.
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Old 01-30-2010, 05:34 PM
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He western unioned the security deposit back to my mother and he is getting his check reimbersed, mom checked with his boss and it has not been cashed, he did not use, he wanted to use but he didnt, that is one thing we are all sure of, why he did what he did i have no idea, my question was how do i learn how to focus on me and my life instead of obsessing over his, not whether or not he used because he definitely 100% did not use.........dont wanna sound rude but it kind of bothered me that people suggested he did
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Old 01-30-2010, 05:36 PM
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oh and the gf was threating him to sell the dog because they had been fighing and it was the one thing that would hurt him,,,,,,,,,she was home all day long with her brother she did not use either
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Old 01-30-2010, 05:54 PM
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i'm so sorry to have bothered you, i still need to do a lot of work on me. i still sometimes have flashbacks about things i've done or said or my ah has done while activr in addiction. you are so right smd i'm sorry if i offended you. i tried to only say what it sounded like to me, i am aware that my opinion is not written in stone. i'm so glad that i was wrong in doubting his story.
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:06 PM
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my question was how do i learn how to focus on me and my life instead of obsessing over his,
Probably one of the hardest things to practice until it becomes easier...excellent question!

My daughter was the addicted love one in my life that brought me to my knees and got me focused on my own recovery. She was 19 at the time I learned she was snorting heroin. In the time period where she was first trying to do it on her own and then in and out of rehabs and detox, I was pretty obsessed with what she was doing, the drama in her life, whether she was using, who she was with, etc.

The primary thing that helped me was working my own program...I came here, I went to a week long program for families of addicts, I started attending Naranon and talking with others in the rooms and working on steps. There were times where I was pretty sure my daughter was with someone I didn't trust or that she used, or she was gone and I didn't know where, etc. What helped me most was to catch myself as I started to obsess...to force myself to think about something else....To get out of my head and outside or call a recovery friend or read from recovery literature or say the Serenity Prayer a zillion times. I had to do it often...I guess I had to obsess about my own recovery the way I had been obsessing about my daughter. Sometimes I even talked out loud (alone) to get out of my own head...it really is hard to obsess and say the Serenity Prayer out loud at the same time

It took time and lots of work, but eventually it became a habit to not obsess...to say in my head and in my heart that I was powerless and ask my higher power to help me. Now I use these tools in other areas of my life...whenever I try to control that which is not mine to attempt to control anyway.
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:29 PM
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hello nichole,

i sorta wish i felt like agreeing with you that he is totally on the straight and narrow - the one thing that recovering addicts know to never do is hang with those in active, using mode. but you guys must have some proof, test or whatever, to be so certain.

you were right, you did ask how to not obsess about your brother, then it sounded like you were spinning around him for two days solid.

but, still, i too owe you an apology. it's not often that i act all like sure about someone i don't even know, but i really was that sure. still, though, i'm sorry. i shifted the focus of the thread, and i made you feel bad. the latter was certainly not my intent.
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:06 PM
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There is one of the first things we learn in our recovery & thats the 3 C's

You did not CAUSE his addiction. You did not cause his current situation either.
You cannot CONTROL his addiction. You can't control anything he chooses to do.
You cannot CURE his addiction. You can't "fix it" for him.

But there are things you can do,

Coming here is a good start, stick around and open your mind to the possibilty of a better way to live for yourself. A way of taking the focus off him and putting it on yourself. He will persue the path that he decides to take, no matter what you do. How you react to what he does is up to you.

Check out a couple of Narcanon or Alanon meetings, these will help you learn the tools to live your life better and to deal with loving an addict whether he's clean or not. My group consists of spouses, parants and siblings of substance abusers. I can honestly say it has saved my life.

I feel your pain, and I am glad you found us. Stick around.

Hugs,
Teggie
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Old 01-31-2010, 05:50 PM
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I didnt need an apology from anyone, i wasnt offended at all just 100% certain he didnt use if i thought for a second he did i would of said just that. As i re read my original post MY story had some holes in it, my mind goes faster than i can type!

Ive looked for nar anon meetings and none near me but we do have al anon, asked my father if he would drop me off sometime soon, i dont drive.

Its so hard knowing hes having problems and im powerless. Right now its just on and off relationship issues and im obsessing over it, if she throws him out hes out in the cold, and on and on and on my brain doesnt stop at all, and honestly im very sick of it!!

So, i am going to post more, and im going to go back to counceling and im going to try alanon,

thanks everyone
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:15 PM
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that is my location, not his, he attends aa a few times a week though and na also
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