Originally Posted by
Freude 
Qazqaz, I can relate to your feelings here. I bet a lot of us can. We can stand back and review our relationships and if we are honest and pretend it's a friend's life and not our own, we know exactly what we'd want for our friend. But for us, somehow something is different. There is something so baffling and magnetic about men like this. I am trying to figure this out for myself.
What do you think it is?? I am wondering if it's the fact that someone allegedly turning down a life-changing path chooses US as a companion...in their darkest and most serious challenge in life, we feel the bond created by them inviting us to help them somehow rises above the ordinary manipulator and codependent. No doubt, when we project our romantic dreams, we convince ourselves that, even if there is only the slightest chance of working out, if it DOES, by sharing this painful and significant transition with him, our reward will be a bond stronger than we've ever felt. That tiny chance for something so longed for makes it worth the risk. Makes us THINK it's worth the risk.
Anyone else have any insights?
What I've learned through my 20+ year relationship with an alcoholic is this. We are attracted to people whose dysfunction fits our own. I was attracted to an alcoholic who needed "fixing" because I grew up always being the one to smooth things over and "fix" the problems in my family. Quite a common role for the eldest child in an alcoholic family, actually. I would have sworn to you that there was a "magical" connection between me and my husband, a "bond stronger than any I'd ever felt before."
It's not magic, it's not healthy, and it certainly isn't love. It's our own magical thinking and familiarity with certain types of dysfunction. As my friend Minnie once said: "The horns on his head fit perfectly the holes in mine."
This will probably come off as cynical to some, but there are NO prince charmings, NO fairy tales, and NO happily-ever-afters in real life. Love is something that develops over time as a result of respect and trust, shared ideals, and most of all--equality. Valiantly helping someone through a tough time, rescuing them from their demons does not earn you their undying devotion for the rest of your life. In fact, those expectations very likely will end up in a big pile of resentment on both sides.
I just had to chime in here because it's shocking to me the amount of magical thinking being shared on this thread. Magical thinking screwed up a big part of my life. Reality has proven to be so much better for me.
L