Thankyou all.
Tchappy - That's a good point about love and need. He is aware that his version of love stems from panic/fear/need to hold on, I guess that's reflective of his mind/past. I think maybe his need is to be happy and escape his mental knots, and maybe yes he has placed me in some sort of savior role in this respect.
I wouldn't say I am in a relationship with him, although he might because i have told him he means a lot to me and I have kissed him a couple of times after caving to his charm/persuasion... that's something I must try harder not to do.
LaTeeDa - Yes, I'm with you on all that. He doesn't quite see it the same way though. If I were to have a relationship with him, which I'm trying to steer away from, I think he would consider once a week not enough time to bond. In fact he even thinks a once a week friend is worthless, or something. I think I mentioned to him 'if it's meant to be' and he reacted as if I was somehow dumping him forever.
My last relationship (not with an alcoholic) was based on meeing up at the weekends and living our own lives during the week. It was a good relationship, and I wish you luck with yours.
CoffeeDrinker - yes, that all makes complete sense. Whenever I approach the fact that it's all about him he feels a bit attacked. He's stuck in so many negative circles. I guess my first want is about him; it's for him to process things, escape all his demons and be happy.
However, the fact that it's all about him is the main issue. All he can/will talk about is his steps with aa, which is fine I'll listen to them if it helps, and this point that he can't just talk about everyday nonsense unless he can relax, knowing I am beside him as gf. When I tell him that i'm not the gf, and just want to talk about silly everyday stuff like a friend he takes that as me not caring and implies that I am therefore of no value to him... then he'll return to talking of how he's healing and I should be the gf, that we would be good together and if I'm a just a friend then I'm losing the best chance I might have of a happy ending. I think this is where I need a few pointers - getting him to run with 'friends' and everyday banter.
BarbDwyer - Don't know that I'm so young at 30, but I am completely in new territory with the way this guy's mind works. He reacts so differently and sees things differently to anyone else I've ever met. I hear his threats to leave and believe them to be real, not just a trick to keep me. I wonder if, in loving me in the intense way he says he does that the friend card is just too much at this point. Is it, in his head, like someone breaking up with you after three years and not being able to see them after that for one's own healing and self preservation, because you still love the person that doesnt love you any more?
Freude - yes I am beginning to see how manipulative he maybe is. He always manages to talk so eloquently and convincinly, but I must learn to see through it. I am leaning towards the nothing if it comes to it, but just wonder if there can be a middle ground.
JenT1968 - I am not sure I am really 'with him' - see above. I just want him to get better for his own sanity and health. I knew him vaguely back when he was younger and happier - I just want that back for him.
I'm not sure that he is 'the one'. I've got nothing to make that call on. He'll find anything to back up his belief in 'us', such as the way I write a text. I only know that we didn't have all that much of an amazing connection in the past when I was hanging out with his flatmate a lot. He however claims that even then he knew I was brilliant... something I doubt in all honesty.
Thanks again for your advice all!