I can't think of anything scarier than living the life I have over the past almost 2 years with my AH for the next 20-30 years....that would be utterly horrible. The pain now is bad enough...I don't think I could do it. I feel like you, that I am only prolonging what must happen in order to find happiness. Sounds easy when I type it, but much much harder to live. your post was incredibly well written - and I can totally appreciate where you are, and how you feel.