Where I'm at

Old 01-19-2010, 01:54 PM
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Where I'm at

Reading all the heartbreak here has been such an eye opener for me. There is a common thread in all our lives that seems to have brought us to this place. The stories here are all unique yet I feel them all to be somehow similar to my own. What needless suffering addiction causes.

To partners of people in the grip of addiction, many would call us "codependent" or "enablers" and yet we know that we did not wish this on ourselves and we consciously do not want this in our lives, or the lives of our children. Most of us didn't "sign up" for this when we set out on our journeys with our partners.

The hardest thing for me to accept is the ugly reality of my damaged relationship, and the part I play in perpetuating it. We've given each other the hardest possible time over the past 18 months, I've been reduced to a nervous wreck, she's become partly dysfunctional.

We can't communicate. We're both desperately lonely in the relationship, a loneliness that's so much worse than simply not having a partner. I've gone through a classic process of trying to control her drinking, negotiating with her, ranting at her, pleading with her, harranguing her, co-operating with her, yet she still insists the problem is not serious, that she knows what she's doing.

I've tried involving her family, only to discover that the true outsider here is me, that they will support her in her addiction, rightly or wrongly. I'm called judgemental by them, yet in turn they judge me to be callous and without sympathy to her plight. They have no idea what living with this is like. Friends with all good intentions trot out cliches to us yet I know there's no magic formula, no easy answers to this.

We've tried therapy. The strong and damning message I received from her in therapy was that she was not going to stop drinking, that she had no reason to stop. Those were her words to me. As each avenue is explored it turns into a dead end, and our map of possibilities becomes smaller and smaller.

I've finally arrived at a place where I realise that this pattern we're in can last 20 or 30 years, as described by many in their own experiences here. I do feel now that the sane thing, the healthy thing to do after 18 months of inhuman stress, is to leave the relationship, and with it my cherished notions of family, of growing old together, of companionship and friendship.

The daily drudgery of tiptoeing around each other's inability to deal with this has become too much for me. I'm sick of the drama, the real life soap opera that we're living. I try to imagine a simpler life, being able to deal with people on my own terms, not having to keep up the props required to deal with life as it is now.
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:31 PM
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It could have been me writing your post; I stuck around for 9 years, 7 of them I was in active alcoholism myself. When I started my recovery I stayed with XABF for over two years more until I couldn't stand the emotional pain anymore. We split up a year and a half ago, he has a new gf and still drinks and probably uses drugs again now too, while I have been putting the pieces of ME back together. At least by ending things with him, I found out what meant the most and it was the booze. SO glad I didn't waste anymore of my time on him, the relationship was destroying me. Hugs and prayers to you.
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:55 PM
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FiftyPence,

Beautifully written and well said. So sorry for your pain, and I empathize with you.

Beth
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:59 PM
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the sane thing, the healthy thing to do after 18 months of inhuman stress, is to leave the relationship, and with it my cherished notions of family, of growing old together, of companionship and friendship.


Nope, you still take those notions with you...those were yours and are still yours. Just now... you are deciding to allow a possibility for them to become real, with someone who is on your same wavelength. This decision shows you decided to be more loving towards yourself. I applaud you for that and recognize the courage it takes.

The best thing to do is not always the easiest... but is still the best.

One day all this will just be a fading memory... there is much to look forward to ((hugs)) !! one day at a time... one breathe at a time.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:47 PM
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I can't think of anything scarier than living the life I have over the past almost 2 years with my AH for the next 20-30 years....that would be utterly horrible. The pain now is bad enough...I don't think I could do it. I feel like you, that I am only prolonging what must happen in order to find happiness. Sounds easy when I type it, but much much harder to live. your post was incredibly well written - and I can totally appreciate where you are, and how you feel.
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Old 01-20-2010, 03:11 AM
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Hi Fifty pence
We are listening.
Its a sad realisation isn't it?
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:24 AM
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Welcome FiftyPence,

One of the best lessons for me in recovery was learning the skill of teasing apart within myself "what is" from "what I want it to be." I had never realized before what extent future/wishful/magical thinking played in my decisions. (Or how stubborn I am, holding to the latter, I might add.)

Now that I've learned how to take a good honest look at "what is" and distinguish it from "what I want it to be," decisions are much clearer to me. I've found that over time I've learned how to let go of the magical thinking, and work with what is, and that good things can come from the unexpected, the unknown, the unplanned. By holding so tight to one vision, we often obscure other possibilities. And we burn a tremendous amount of emotional energy.

CLMI
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:14 AM
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Wow,
I am almost speechless. My heart aches for you as well. I am going thru the sad journey of moving forward alone, again. I don't want to go, I want to be sad, cry and have someone carry me a lil'. The thing that makes it most difficult is they usally can' t see themselves with the love, and hope, that we see them in. They tend to feel unworthy hence perpetuating the challenges of addiction, huh? I t really is nauseating...
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Old 01-20-2010, 07:18 AM
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There are so many comments I could make, FiftyPence, but let me say that you articulate yourself very well, and express what you - and all of us - have experienced. Beautifully written, and although 18 months is a long time to be in pain, kudos to you for recognizing when you did. In hindsight, doesn't it always seem like it took too long?


Originally Posted by FiftyPence View Post
There is a common thread in all our lives that seems to have brought us to this place. The stories here are all unique yet I feel them all to be somehow similar to my own.
This quote expresses how I feel when I walk into an al-anon meeting I have never before attended. Strangers that are somehow friends, friends because of an unspoken understanding.

Peace,
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Old 01-20-2010, 07:47 AM
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Your post is so moving and so beautifully written. And it shows a great level of understanding and acceptance - even though you may not want to accept the truth. You already know it.
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Old 06-24-2010, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by FiftyPence View Post
We can't communicate. We're both desperately lonely in the relationship, a loneliness that's so much worse than simply not having a partner. I've gone through a classic process of trying to control her drinking, negotiating with her, ranting at her, pleading with her, harranguing her, co-operating with her, yet she still insists the problem is not serious, that she knows what she's doing.
I feel like I could have written those words myself.

I've finally arrived at a place where I realise that this pattern we're in can last 20 or 30 years, as described by many in their own experiences here. I do feel now that the sane thing, the healthy thing to do after 18 months of inhuman stress, is to leave the relationship, and with it my cherished notions of family, of growing old together, of companionship and friendship.
I think I'm finally getting to that place. Granted, he already left me, but I can still "leave" the fictious relationship I had created and have been hanging onto.
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Old 06-25-2010, 04:33 AM
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Well said FP, captures my exact sentiments when I realized I was at the end of what I could tolerate and clarity of thought hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Old 06-25-2010, 04:59 AM
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The ending of most everything is disappointing and upsetting. Try to think of this not so much as an ending, but a new beginning for you.

Best to you.
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