new person here. advice?
Hi. I'm new here. I've been reading for a while but haven't posted much.
I just left my bf of 28 months on 1/16. He is a diagnosed A who went through rehab several years ago, before I knew him. We lived together for 12 months. Now that I am out, I have lots to do about myself, my own problem.
I want to figure out why I am attracted to dysfunctional people- my 3 major relationships were to
1.a pretty mild man who was/is an A and somewhat controlling (14 year marriage, 2 children 18 and 22),
2.a severe bipolar with psychotic elements (18 month marriage)
3.an alcoholic who had been through rehab years ago but continued to “slip” or “relapse” and even when not drinking was very dishonest, cheating, sneaking, demeaning, controlling and icy cold. (12 month live together). Really not a nice guy at all. My friends and family couldn't stand him.
Of course, I chose each of them and they chose me. None of this was just thrust upon me! And my choices are getting more extreme and painful each time.
Each of these men had a bigger personality than the last. The last one was very wealthy and flashy and extremely concerned about public image. I'm pretty shy and low-profile, so that alone is weird. And while with him, I got tinier, while simultaneously focusing on him. I'm pretty shocked by what I ignored, minimized, tolerated. He was so unconcerned about me that when we shared a computer on vacation and he clearly had an active dating profile (link right on his url bar). He denied it, and then berated me, which was so confusing I couldn't even speak. He yelled and made excuses and blamed me for over 30 minutes. (That was when I decided to leave. Absolutely zero accountability for what he'd done and then this bizarre diversion stuff which proved he had zero concern for me and my feelings.) But he revealed his lack of concern, or even basic politeness or consideration, many times. He would literally walk away or start reading something else when I spoke to him abut the most routine or innocuous things. He rankled when I had a success or was excited about something. He interrupted me when I spoke, said he was bored or I was lecturing if I spoke more than 2 minutes. It was so imbalanced that within 12 months, I selected the TV show that we watched only once. One time in 12 months!! He chose every other time. Sadly, I didn't even realize that one until I was out; my mom pointed it out to me.
My friends and family ALL dislike him and asked me why I was with him, what I was doing. For “this man” (I'm sure there's more to it than that), I gave up my house, my business, my activities!! I am certain that consciously or subconsciously I hitch my star to a partner in order to avoid responsibility for myself and my own happiness. It is so self-destructive it is almost unbelievable and I am very ashamed. Why did/do I do this? Why am I so angry now? So sad? I know it is very good that I am out of that relationship, yet my head and heart are spinning.
I am obsessing about him and what is wrong with me. That really scares me. It feels like a continuation of the same mindset. I'm having a really hard time being mentally disciplined enough to not think about him, my dysfunction, the whole ball of wax. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm obsessing with anger and pain and want to prove I'm right, the good one, and all of that. All pointless. I am so sick of how I become this little mental satellite around another person.
Sunday night I got a call on my cell from a woman who asked for him, returning his call to her about sending her a ticket to meet him for a vacation this week. He hasn't changed our home phone message, which gives my name and cell number. I do not want my name and number on the message but I told her I would hold off until she deals with him. I'm so sorry I made that promise. Is it okay to tell her that I can't wait and I want to email him to remove the message now?
Help! Is it too early to expect to be able to not be thinking about this yet? If not, how do I stop thinking about all of this? What do I do now? Thanks so much in advance for any advice.