new person here. advice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
new person here. advice?
Hi. I'm new here. I've been reading for a while but haven't posted much.
I just left my bf of 28 months on 1/16. He is a diagnosed A who went through rehab several years ago, before I knew him. We lived together for 12 months. Now that I am out, I have lots to do about myself, my own problem.
I want to figure out why I am attracted to dysfunctional people- my 3 major relationships were to
1.a pretty mild man who was/is an A and somewhat controlling (14 year marriage, 2 children 18 and 22),
2.a severe bipolar with psychotic elements (18 month marriage)
3.an alcoholic who had been through rehab years ago but continued to “slip” or “relapse” and even when not drinking was very dishonest, cheating, sneaking, demeaning, controlling and icy cold. (12 month live together). Really not a nice guy at all. My friends and family couldn't stand him.
Of course, I chose each of them and they chose me. None of this was just thrust upon me! And my choices are getting more extreme and painful each time.
Each of these men had a bigger personality than the last. The last one was very wealthy and flashy and extremely concerned about public image. I'm pretty shy and low-profile, so that alone is weird. And while with him, I got tinier, while simultaneously focusing on him. I'm pretty shocked by what I ignored, minimized, tolerated. He was so unconcerned about me that when we shared a computer on vacation and he clearly had an active dating profile (link right on his url bar). He denied it, and then berated me, which was so confusing I couldn't even speak. He yelled and made excuses and blamed me for over 30 minutes. (That was when I decided to leave. Absolutely zero accountability for what he'd done and then this bizarre diversion stuff which proved he had zero concern for me and my feelings.) But he revealed his lack of concern, or even basic politeness or consideration, many times. He would literally walk away or start reading something else when I spoke to him abut the most routine or innocuous things. He rankled when I had a success or was excited about something. He interrupted me when I spoke, said he was bored or I was lecturing if I spoke more than 2 minutes. It was so imbalanced that within 12 months, I selected the TV show that we watched only once. One time in 12 months!! He chose every other time. Sadly, I didn't even realize that one until I was out; my mom pointed it out to me.
My friends and family ALL dislike him and asked me why I was with him, what I was doing. For “this man” (I'm sure there's more to it than that), I gave up my house, my business, my activities!! I am certain that consciously or subconsciously I hitch my star to a partner in order to avoid responsibility for myself and my own happiness. It is so self-destructive it is almost unbelievable and I am very ashamed. Why did/do I do this? Why am I so angry now? So sad? I know it is very good that I am out of that relationship, yet my head and heart are spinning.
I am obsessing about him and what is wrong with me. That really scares me. It feels like a continuation of the same mindset. I'm having a really hard time being mentally disciplined enough to not think about him, my dysfunction, the whole ball of wax. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm obsessing with anger and pain and want to prove I'm right, the good one, and all of that. All pointless. I am so sick of how I become this little mental satellite around another person.
Sunday night I got a call on my cell from a woman who asked for him, returning his call to her about sending her a ticket to meet him for a vacation this week. He hasn't changed our home phone message, which gives my name and cell number. I do not want my name and number on the message but I told her I would hold off until she deals with him. I'm so sorry I made that promise. Is it okay to tell her that I can't wait and I want to email him to remove the message now?
Help! Is it too early to expect to be able to not be thinking about this yet? If not, how do I stop thinking about all of this? What do I do now? Thanks so much in advance for any advice.
I just left my bf of 28 months on 1/16. He is a diagnosed A who went through rehab several years ago, before I knew him. We lived together for 12 months. Now that I am out, I have lots to do about myself, my own problem.
I want to figure out why I am attracted to dysfunctional people- my 3 major relationships were to
1.a pretty mild man who was/is an A and somewhat controlling (14 year marriage, 2 children 18 and 22),
2.a severe bipolar with psychotic elements (18 month marriage)
3.an alcoholic who had been through rehab years ago but continued to “slip” or “relapse” and even when not drinking was very dishonest, cheating, sneaking, demeaning, controlling and icy cold. (12 month live together). Really not a nice guy at all. My friends and family couldn't stand him.
Of course, I chose each of them and they chose me. None of this was just thrust upon me! And my choices are getting more extreme and painful each time.
Each of these men had a bigger personality than the last. The last one was very wealthy and flashy and extremely concerned about public image. I'm pretty shy and low-profile, so that alone is weird. And while with him, I got tinier, while simultaneously focusing on him. I'm pretty shocked by what I ignored, minimized, tolerated. He was so unconcerned about me that when we shared a computer on vacation and he clearly had an active dating profile (link right on his url bar). He denied it, and then berated me, which was so confusing I couldn't even speak. He yelled and made excuses and blamed me for over 30 minutes. (That was when I decided to leave. Absolutely zero accountability for what he'd done and then this bizarre diversion stuff which proved he had zero concern for me and my feelings.) But he revealed his lack of concern, or even basic politeness or consideration, many times. He would literally walk away or start reading something else when I spoke to him abut the most routine or innocuous things. He rankled when I had a success or was excited about something. He interrupted me when I spoke, said he was bored or I was lecturing if I spoke more than 2 minutes. It was so imbalanced that within 12 months, I selected the TV show that we watched only once. One time in 12 months!! He chose every other time. Sadly, I didn't even realize that one until I was out; my mom pointed it out to me.
My friends and family ALL dislike him and asked me why I was with him, what I was doing. For “this man” (I'm sure there's more to it than that), I gave up my house, my business, my activities!! I am certain that consciously or subconsciously I hitch my star to a partner in order to avoid responsibility for myself and my own happiness. It is so self-destructive it is almost unbelievable and I am very ashamed. Why did/do I do this? Why am I so angry now? So sad? I know it is very good that I am out of that relationship, yet my head and heart are spinning.
I am obsessing about him and what is wrong with me. That really scares me. It feels like a continuation of the same mindset. I'm having a really hard time being mentally disciplined enough to not think about him, my dysfunction, the whole ball of wax. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm obsessing with anger and pain and want to prove I'm right, the good one, and all of that. All pointless. I am so sick of how I become this little mental satellite around another person.
Sunday night I got a call on my cell from a woman who asked for him, returning his call to her about sending her a ticket to meet him for a vacation this week. He hasn't changed our home phone message, which gives my name and cell number. I do not want my name and number on the message but I told her I would hold off until she deals with him. I'm so sorry I made that promise. Is it okay to tell her that I can't wait and I want to email him to remove the message now?
Help! Is it too early to expect to be able to not be thinking about this yet? If not, how do I stop thinking about all of this? What do I do now? Thanks so much in advance for any advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm so sorry I made that promise. Is it okay to tell her that I can't wait and I want to email him to remove the message now?
Absolutely!
bluebloom- it's great you are here and asking these questions and taking a good hard look at yourself!
All the questions you ask are great jumping off points with a therapist. I know I needed one-on-one therapy after my divorce to help me figure out why I had such good taste in friends and such lousy taste in romantic partners! I had a lot to learn, but it was all there, inside me, waiting to be brought out into the light and dealt with.
It is not impossible to change ourselves or our lives. But it does take commitment and work. Not easy but worth it.
Keep seeking answers!
peace-
b
Absolutely!
bluebloom- it's great you are here and asking these questions and taking a good hard look at yourself!
All the questions you ask are great jumping off points with a therapist. I know I needed one-on-one therapy after my divorce to help me figure out why I had such good taste in friends and such lousy taste in romantic partners! I had a lot to learn, but it was all there, inside me, waiting to be brought out into the light and dealt with.
It is not impossible to change ourselves or our lives. But it does take commitment and work. Not easy but worth it.
Keep seeking answers!
peace-
b
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
You have taken a huge step in realising these things and asking those questions!
That is growth.
By no means are you alone either; my serious relationships have been with
1) a very depressed incest survivor who was addicted to weed/pot
2) an active alcoholic
3) another active alcoholic, who was also a pot addict and very abusive
It was during relationship 3) that I found SR.
I chose destructive relationships because I didn't know how to stand up for what I deserved. I found it almost impossible to identify when I was being treated unfairly or unkindly. I was more than willing to accept anything so long as I had someone in my life.
I didn't want to be alone. I didn't think I would make it on my own, after years of being undermined and criticised by my family I truely believed there was a problem with me and couldn't identify it. I fell into depression at around age 14 and didn't really come out of it until almost two years ago - some 14 years later.
SR has helped me tremendously. I wouldn't be were I am today, if I hadn't found this site.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That is growth.
By no means are you alone either; my serious relationships have been with
1) a very depressed incest survivor who was addicted to weed/pot
2) an active alcoholic
3) another active alcoholic, who was also a pot addict and very abusive
It was during relationship 3) that I found SR.
I chose destructive relationships because I didn't know how to stand up for what I deserved. I found it almost impossible to identify when I was being treated unfairly or unkindly. I was more than willing to accept anything so long as I had someone in my life.
I didn't want to be alone. I didn't think I would make it on my own, after years of being undermined and criticised by my family I truely believed there was a problem with me and couldn't identify it. I fell into depression at around age 14 and didn't really come out of it until almost two years ago - some 14 years later.
SR has helped me tremendously. I wouldn't be were I am today, if I hadn't found this site.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Thank you so much, Lilyflower and Bernadette.
I put a call in to my old therapist.
I sent XABF an email asking him to remove my info from the home message machine.
Your posts brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for the help.
I put a call in to my old therapist.
I sent XABF an email asking him to remove my info from the home message machine.
Your posts brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for the help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Wow. What a great and timely thread. You have both just summed it up for me: I haven't known how to stand up for myself in a relationship and I have never wanted to take responsibility for myself and my own happiness.
There ya go. I always believed that I fell in "LOVE" and love led me away with these selfish guys, but who was I to question love's mysteries?
What an eye-opener! Thank you.
There ya go. I always believed that I fell in "LOVE" and love led me away with these selfish guys, but who was I to question love's mysteries?
What an eye-opener! Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I welcome you as well.
You are asking all the right questions. Thing is this is no quick journey. What I have found along the way was that the "why" didn't matter as much as the "what i do"
I am glad you did those above things.
You are asking all the right questions. Thing is this is no quick journey. What I have found along the way was that the "why" didn't matter as much as the "what i do"
I am glad you did those above things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Thank you, Stella and Gold.
Yep, Stella, me too. I did a pretty good job standing up sometimes in this relationship, but was blind to much.
And that seems to track back to what lilyflower said, especially this:
"I chose destructive relationships because I didn't know how to stand up for what I deserved. I found it almost impossible to identify when I was being treated unfairly or unkindly. I was more than willing to accept anything so long as I had someone in my life. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't think I would make it on my own, after years of being undermined and criticised by my family I truely believed there was a problem with me and couldn't identify it."
Imagine thinking you deserve to be treated respectfully and fairly, and that life can be low drama. Kind of funny, but that seems wild! And yet, very enticing.
I fell for the splashy, "I'll treat you like a queen", over-the-top, spectacular lines, that are actually ridiculous.
Respect and fairness, low drama. That's what I want to believe I deserve, and what i want to give.
Yep, Stella, me too. I did a pretty good job standing up sometimes in this relationship, but was blind to much.
And that seems to track back to what lilyflower said, especially this:
"I chose destructive relationships because I didn't know how to stand up for what I deserved. I found it almost impossible to identify when I was being treated unfairly or unkindly. I was more than willing to accept anything so long as I had someone in my life. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't think I would make it on my own, after years of being undermined and criticised by my family I truely believed there was a problem with me and couldn't identify it."
Imagine thinking you deserve to be treated respectfully and fairly, and that life can be low drama. Kind of funny, but that seems wild! And yet, very enticing.
I fell for the splashy, "I'll treat you like a queen", over-the-top, spectacular lines, that are actually ridiculous.
Respect and fairness, low drama. That's what I want to believe I deserve, and what i want to give.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
I welcome you as well.
You are asking all the right questions. Thing is this is no quick journey. What I have found along the way was that the "why" didn't matter as much as the "what i do"
I am glad you did those above things.
You are asking all the right questions. Thing is this is no quick journey. What I have found along the way was that the "why" didn't matter as much as the "what i do"
I am glad you did those above things.
I had to jump on this one- yes, "what I do" is a huge issue. I don't know what to do or get so scared sometimes, I'm paralyzed.
I'm writing this down and sticking it on the wall: what i do.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Hi Blue! 
You have landed in the right place. This forum is full of wonderful caring people to listen to you while you reclaim your life. Vent...yell...cry...whatever you need to do...you can do it here.
Respect and fairness, low drama. That's what I want to believe I deserve, and what i want to give.
You certainly do deserve better...and you now see it. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle. You can't fix what you didn't know or didn't recognize was broken and damaged. The good news is...it's fixable. It will take hard work to break years of bad habits...but if you read some of the older threads...it will happen. Give yourself time and kindness when you slide backwards from time to time.
Something for you to think about...
The minute I settle for less than I deserve...I end up with less than I settled for.
Work on you...gently. Once you can figure out why you do what YOU do...change will come.
We are all in recovery...one day at a time.
Glad you are here...come back and visit often.
:ghug3
You have landed in the right place. This forum is full of wonderful caring people to listen to you while you reclaim your life. Vent...yell...cry...whatever you need to do...you can do it here.
Respect and fairness, low drama. That's what I want to believe I deserve, and what i want to give.
You certainly do deserve better...and you now see it. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle. You can't fix what you didn't know or didn't recognize was broken and damaged. The good news is...it's fixable. It will take hard work to break years of bad habits...but if you read some of the older threads...it will happen. Give yourself time and kindness when you slide backwards from time to time.
Something for you to think about...
The minute I settle for less than I deserve...I end up with less than I settled for.
Work on you...gently. Once you can figure out why you do what YOU do...change will come.
We are all in recovery...one day at a time.
Glad you are here...come back and visit often.
:ghug3
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