What a great reply, thanks Stereosteveo.
"the guilt of leaving the sunlight of the spirit"
That's it. I feel that guilt too sometimes, totally. I know I'd feel it WAY worse if I was a slave to nicotine again though, or overweight again, or under the influence of alcohol all the time again or up for the use of coke let's say. I feel so far away from those things and I credit that to not drinking. Intellectual integrity and honesty is so important in recovery, that is once thing I have learned. When I hear that people quit drinking but keep smoking cigarettes, I think how sad, so glad that's not me. Some people think nothing of that or of all the meds they might be on when they are not drinking (I'm on none, apart from baby aspirin & some daily vitamins) I guess it comes down to what it was always MOST about and that was quitting drinking (thankfully I found a way) and I have done that and kept going trying to fix myself more fully and I thought I was towards the finish line (when I strung together months of truly totally sober days last year) but maybe I am really at the beginning still. That's SO OK tho.