Theresa

I kept wanting to get "me" back, too: there I was comfortable in what I had become and no one (especially my innocent children) objected to my selfishness. And in this was my problem: if "me" was so great, I wouldn't haven't been (be) in the crisis that initially brought me to this site. Lately, the thought of getting "me" back is not very attractive.

"Me," what I had become, how I was acting or reacting to others (i.e., how I was/be) is/was the BIG problem that led me to this site for help. If how I had lived my life was so great/good, I wouldn't be here. So trying to get back "there" is not going to alive my pain: I need to acknowledge the problems that I have in relating with the world--and I need to change to make that relationship better. (As a single parent of grown children, I now realize that it was easy to "use" that parental relationship--their needing me to survive--to avoid learning more complex skills in developing and maintaining relationships.)

My understanding of this terrible plight (which we feel through our anxiety and act out in forms of abuse) is that at a fundamental, unconscious level we know that we are better than this--and we know that we need to change. And change is boring, daily hard work.

I am not always good at this work, but through the help of others (including those on this site) at the least, I am beginning to catch myself when I indulge myself, when I procrastinate and dwell on what is wrong with me rather than get off my "can" and do what I know I needs to be done, today, this hour.