I have seem to be able to live with and have gotten very good at hidding. I have several teens and younger at home and I am the rock here being that my husband works out of town. My family wouldnt understand the fact that I am human (another lie I am able to accomplish with my DOC is im a superperson) and I dont think they would understand. Its an on my own thing but Im starting to think I may not be able to do it that way.I need to get the b*LL* up to say theres a problem but letting someone here down is something that very hard for me to do. I dont think they would understand from the reaction I got the first time I stopped.
I think thats why I feel so lost is I know I have a problem, I cant control it. And it is so hidden, that the ripple effect that would happen to my family if it came out keeps me in this state limbo.I feel like a liar and a hypocrit.I am my own worst enemy when Im kicking myself constantly and doing it silently and alone.
Im not sure where that puts me in the scale of addiction and wanting recovery, but short of tearing the walls of my house down, Ill do what I need to, Im just lost to what that is. All of the "excuses" I use to keep from quitting, to me are just that,but the fear keeps me in the cycle. I cant find how to put me first.