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I am Back and feel broken

Old 01-13-2010, 11:00 PM
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I am Back and feel broken

I was here in August, in serious denial of how bad my problem was. I did get though the 5 days of hell and made it. I went to the doctor on the 9th and read a pamphlet again that told me the differnce between addiction and dependence so I could lie to myself some more and justify another script.

I do have chronic pain, but it not an excuse to take the pills anymore. I will gladly go through the hell, if i thought i was strong enough to keep going. I know the fear is the same pretty much for everyone, but being a medical professional myself I know Im killing myself. I worry constantly about how much acetamenphen I have ingested in 24 hrs, will my liver fail in 2 days cuz I cant keep my hand off of something I know is going to take me out.

I know I want to stop. Period. I feel broken and I dont understand myself. Im trying to get a grasp on this this and wrap my head around the issue. Im not at the end of my bottle by any means. But I am at the end of my rope. I just feel like its time to stop being afraid but I feel like it maybe be to late. Is there a to far?

I havent lost a job, family, or friends, but my rock botton will be not going to seek medical attention out of fear of being found out when the time comes and I do need it. Did I mention I am scared to death.

I have a good life otherwise, and my reality will soon fall away if I dont fix things. How can I get past this part where my brain knows but it wont listen and nor will my body to what I am screaming everytime another 4hrs rolls around?

Im sry it so lengthy and I am deperate for anything right now

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Old 01-13-2010, 11:35 PM
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I just feel like its time to stop being afraid but I feel like it maybe be to late. Is there a to far?
I feel it's only too late when you're six feet under.

My DOC was opiates. I first went into treatment in 1980, fresh out of High School. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to listen to what was suggested to me by those who had found a way to live w/out drugs. I wanted to do it my way. Hah! That didn't work!

I bounced in and out of detox, treatment, had some clean time here and there, but never quite "got it." I finally surrendered in July of 2005 and have managed to control my chronic, progressive pain issues w/out narcotics. Sure, I've had a lot of things happen to me since I've been in Recovery, but I've learned how to handle them w/out using. Much to my surprise, it can be done!

It's never too late. I hope you'll continue to post on here, share how you're doing and I'm sure others will come along and share their experience, strength and hope. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 01-14-2010, 04:57 AM
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Welcome back TBG

I don't think it's ever too late either
I was 40 when I changed my life.

I'm sorry but I can't recall - what have you tried so far? counselling? face to face support? spoken to your doctor?

You find a lot of ideas here
D
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Old 01-14-2010, 05:02 AM
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..i'm listening..stay strong...stay stronger....Oz..

..ain't easy..
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Old 01-14-2010, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome back TBG

I don't think it's ever too late either
I was 40 when I changed my life.

I'm sorry but I can't recall - what have you tried so far? counselling? face to face support? spoken to your doctor?

You find a lot of ideas here
D
I havent tried anything but cold turkey and this board. I am familiar with the 12 step program, having to work it years ago as a teen (for behavioral issues not substance abuse) but I never seem to quite get it. I know I have preached and said how wonderful it is to my patients (like I know what I am talking about) But I have looked for meeting around here just havent gotten an excuse to get out and go to the family. No one here knows of my problem.
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Old 01-14-2010, 06:39 AM
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I have seem to be able to live with and have gotten very good at hidding. I have several teens and younger at home and I am the rock here being that my husband works out of town. My family wouldnt understand the fact that I am human (another lie I am able to accomplish with my DOC is im a superperson) and I dont think they would understand. Its an on my own thing but Im starting to think I may not be able to do it that way.I need to get the b*LL* up to say theres a problem but letting someone here down is something that very hard for me to do. I dont think they would understand from the reaction I got the first time I stopped.
I think thats why I feel so lost is I know I have a problem, I cant control it. And it is so hidden, that the ripple effect that would happen to my family if it came out keeps me in this state limbo.I feel like a liar and a hypocrit.I am my own worst enemy when Im kicking myself constantly and doing it silently and alone.
Im not sure where that puts me in the scale of addiction and wanting recovery, but short of tearing the walls of my house down, Ill do what I need to, Im just lost to what that is. All of the "excuses" I use to keep from quitting, to me are just that,but the fear keeps me in the cycle. I cant find how to put me first.
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Old 01-14-2010, 07:08 AM
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Hi,

I think you are experiencing what addiction does to us. It turns us into liars and fills us with guilt and shame. Those horrible negative emotions then drive us back to the drink or the pill that will help us to feel better for a few moments, and then the cycle begins again.

You can get through this and stop taking the pills. You are move forward in recovery and begin to feel good about yourself and your life.
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