Alphao5

I am not going to argue with anything that has been said, there are obviuse reasons why i failed and why i keep failing!

I agree that I am stuburn in my ways i need to change that or i will be shooting up god knows what next to "feel like myself" when actully i know we all know thats exzatly what we are running from!

I use to eat psychedlics thinking that I was going to find some untapped source of who I really am, I never tapped into that source but I tapped into other sources of my mind I really did not like, now when I talk to ppl all I can see is lies, I see ppl hiding, I cant keep a realationship cause i cant trust myself enough to trust anyone else....

5 meo amt mixxed with dextromethorphan mixxed with methamphetamines and throw a a few hits of acid on top of that and that was me 17 to 20 every weekend.... god what did i do to my thought pattern? but where the glowsticks and hotsprings alot funner when you can watch the trees breath and grow!

somewhere around 24 is when I lost it all, I lost myself and I lost the desire to try, and at that same time i meet my friendly opiate and the needle, then it was speedballs then it mixxing extasy meth heroin and coke together to get that real BLAST! I just had decided that if it killed me it was for the better if I was alive after each day then something I cannot argue with is keeping me here

I really thought I had a purpose again after I was almost killed in a car wreak from drinking long islands at a bar for a few hrs then huffing computer duster while driving.... that car wreak changed me for awhile but then that car wreak ruined me again, they injected me with hydromoraphone, moraphine, fentanal for a month and a half solid them supplied me with hydromorphone and methadone for another 9 ms.... and u know knowing how to use a needle my hydromorphone scripts every month was more like a 2 day supply......

i dont know why i say all this but there is alot more! im sure we all have alot more then what we want to metion but I have been at the bottom of the bottom! and why? I asked myself all day today why did I first take a mind altering substance? I only remember wanting to fit in with peers, I just rememeber that when I first started using weed and ordering chemicals off the internet growing mushrooms in my closet that i felt important that ppl liked me, no why is that??? why would ppl like me for that??? maybe thats the cause for my self destructive attitude maybe im so self destructive cause no one actully liked me I just thought they did and how can ppl like me when i dont like myself? and why dont i like myself i guess is the ultimate question??? is it cause I cant beleave in something as simple as a 12 step program? is it cause i laugh when i here the word GOD??? cause I never felt a GOD! i feel pain i feel betrayed, i feel like im a lie.... but why??? I actully have a great life! I just cant see it!! all i can see is all my mistakes that I cant take back, all the ifs and coulds, and I try not to!! but its like something I cannot control.... its somthing I dont even know where to start to control! however I did yet another day with out calling someone and getting high for 4 hrs thats a GREAT START, the rest after the withdrawls are seattled and my mind is cleared maybe i will stop being such a stuborn moron and get with it, i keep saying to myself this is the last time im going to feel like this! this is the last restless night! this is the last imaginary pain i feel!

anyways i love the support here, trying to detox alone is difficult when you burnt your bridges and you have not a sigle person in your life to turn to and say your sorry! and when you do look that one person you loved up on myspace and you write them and you tell them your so sorry for who you became they reply please dont talk to me and its like you just want to give up again! but I told the people in my past I was sorry for who i had became and I was sorry that i put them through what I did! I did that during my year off everything.... and all I got was a bunch of ***** u's

but yeah wow that kinda feels good i hold alot aginst myself! im sorry

again everyone thanks for all the replies I love comming on here and reading them! they are making a differance they are making me not want to get high or give up.... I just failed last time and it was cause i just forgot that I was still an addict, i thought it was over but ohhh no it just takes that one hit i know that this time! but why do i want to take that one hit, thats where i need to rethink some behaviors of mine, i only get suicidal when i drink so i dont drink, and i only wanna **** it all away when im doing heroin and other injectables and weed and stuff is kids play i dont even mess with that stuff..... so i just need to learn how to remeber that i am an addict! and yes i understand the 12 steps im just scared to walk them im afraid of finding myself, im afraid i wont like it!