Alphao5

idk whats wrong with me! feels like there is alot broken inside but for no reason! Like a rain cloud follows ME!

i dont know where to start...... but I have put everything in my system imagainable to GOD! However Heroin is my true weekness never got into any other "mainstream" drugs! When I was younger the internet was a wonderful playground for research chems.... sure it still is but the H really got me!

So I guess I am just looking for some online people that can realate to H addiction! I am about 1 week clean with a relapse friday night!!!! idk why it wasnt like I had to **** myself while waiting I even spaced an hr before I got home and took a shower got all clean it was more like a phukin riturial before i pulled out all common **** to get high with..... it was like i didnt want to do it but somewhere my mind was like **** you ******* you need me!

I mean I STOPED!! im done with it im done with fangling money balancing this and that going 4 days with no food cuase i started buying "hits" (funny how 4 hits turns into one hit when ur at werk sweating ur ass off taking bathroom breaks every 30 mins cause u cant even hold in your own bowels! its like u just want it in u and in u fast it dont matter how much!!! its a bag!!!

anyways I know this is prolly not cool for me to be talking about shooting up and shitting myself but hey if we cant talk about it how the hell we going to get through it, im not new to all this new to this forum! and thank god I found it! I HATE NA!!!! I hate alot of things but sitting around a room waiting to smoke a ciggerett listing to ppl who threw everything away sorry that just makes me wanna go out and get ****** up! i know sic huh???

anyways been high for *pauses to count* well im 30 I first used meth when i was 13 and then smoked weed at the same time yeah i did meth b4 weed thats what happenes when ur raised in a small ass town in oregon! 17 yeARS!!! WOW I NEVER thought about it! **** anyways been an everyday user of heroin for the last 5 years my thing was I have always had a GREAT JOB lol not a hussler in anyway! **** that! i cant even manage the money i work for how can i manage money i dont even have!

anyways im a nice happy guy i love photography and web design but i have a drug addiction and i really havent tried to kick i mean i went to a detox a few times for a few days and been to a rehab for a week but the desire to get high always comes back..... if its not high on h i will find sumthing! its like i dont like me! I have never been to a doctor to see if i have depression or anything i beleave all that is ******** iif you dont like you well tie a ******* noose and get it over with... wow that was rude! sorry

i think im going to monitor this for awhile i really do wanna stop! the cold chills and not being able to sleep is driving me inSANE!!!!!!!!!! but i did not really think it was nessary to metion the withdrawl effects im having on here we ALL know what they are.... thanks for reading!

Dee74

Hi Alphao5

Welcome to SR.

I think it's true for any addict that nothing changes if nothing changes.
What are you prepared to do to change your life?

Heres a list of links and stuff - lots of support groups and what have you.

Support is vital in my opinion. Noone ever does this alone - not the successful ones.
There may be something here that gives you a start

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-recover.html

Also come check out the substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

jaitch

Cant relate to H addiction but sending you best wishes anyway.

AustinJim

Go to a 12 step meeting, NA or CA probably, get a sponsor, and work the 12 steps. It's pat advice, but it really will revolutionize your life. you may also need detox. In my experience it's best to go through an unpleasant detox than to end up depending on opiate maintenance, but that's really to be decided between you and your doctor.

The 12 steps have worked for millions of people since they were developed in the 1930s. The process involves a lot of hard work and some discomfort, but the reward is a life full of satisfaction, contentment and happiness without any mind altering substances. Beware the easier, softer way.

Good luck.

Alphao5

my post was edited, soooo let me start by saying that I spend alot of time alone, I have extremly bad social skills! I forget that not everyone has my sense of humor!

12 steps--- im just not sure about, from my understanding AA and NA are a religous movement, i am not religous at ALL I just dont see it or understand it! I have tried!!! But when I hear quotes and so on from biblical times I just freeze and sign.... if you understand it then thats great.....

What I have been doing to not mess it up is alot of relaxation therapy, alot of reading, alot of chatting online, just trying to keep busy and not think about making a phone call, just keep pretending that i have a flu...

But i guess we all take things differntly!

going to a Detox and stuff is out of the question I would be fired from my job! Im not your addict that has to much time, im ur closet addict that has been leading two lives for a lot of years.... I just cant take that time off werk, I am fairly detoxed now from 12/30/2010 at 4pm I did my last hit, then i relapsed jst ONE time friday night I did another hit at around 8 pm This is why I am doing the whole online thing I know I can do it its as simple as not putting the substance in my system.... what I cant do is make the right decissions at the right times, I feel like I should go back to elementry school and learn the basic this is right this is wrong.... I seem to have lost that ability.... IDK maybe i dont even make any sense

louis

Hi...

I think you made perfect sense...
With me it was lots of difference behaviours/substances i used... and i could never seem to make the right decision at the right time...
AA taught me tools to learn how to do this... it gave me breathing space before making a decsion if i wasnt sure of the result... it also more importantly has given me people to talk to who understand... and have been there...
I am really not into religion... and the only religious bit i have heard in an AA meeting is the serenity prayer... and with that.. i change the word God for my HP....
AA/NA/CA are spiritual programmes not religious... sure some people do try to make them religious for themselves (and thats ok for them)... but i have never been told i have to be religious to attend...
I wish you look on whatever you decide...
Also what about Smart recovery tools... they are meant to be very good too and i hear lots of people say they work for them...

intention

Hi and welcome. I'm sure most of us said we couldn't do the 12 Step programme because we were not religious but it is not about religion.

The wording of the programme and the Big Book hasn't changed since the 1930s. I am sure if you watched a movie from that time you would find it difficult to relate to, wouldn't you?

Don't you think that if your life depends on it you can just simply keep an open mind?

Ask yourself this question. Am I the greatest power there is in this universe?

If you answer yes, then AA/CA/NA are not going to work for you.

But if you can answer no, even if the only power greater than you than you that you can see is the sun - always constant, light giving, heat giving, life giving, .....then get yourself to a meeting straight away. That's all we mean by god - a power greater than yourself. Nothing more.

Go to a meeting,
keep an open mind,
look for similarities rather than differences when you hear people talk,
when you hear "God" think about whatever power you see greater than yourself,
ask someone who has the recovery you want, to show you how to get better.

Just do it and don't let your cunning, addictive mind talk you in to keeping a closed mind so that you can continue to use and stay in your addictive hell.

Take care of yourself.

AustinJim

As the last two posters pointed out, participation in 12 step recovery in no way requires to to be at all religious. I came into recovery agnostic, and remain agnostic, though I acknowledge that there is an element of existence(creation, why we're here, etc) that is beyond my comprehension, or "greater than myself".

The 12 steps do not require that you become religious, but most importantly that you do your best to live a good life and help other people. That's all it really takes to stop using permanently and live a life of happiness. That being said, it does require work.

People will tell you that they do not work for everyone, I disagree. Some people for whatever reason are not willing to do everything that the steps require, but those that do it honestly and thoroughly invariably succeed.

Oh, and 12 step rooms are full of people with unusual "social skills" and twisted senses of humor. You should fit right in.

Anna

Hi,

I had to find a spiritual connection (not religious) in my life, in order to get sober. I am not an AA person, but the program does help many people. I was very isolated and lost in my drinking, and I knew that I needed a spiritual connection in my life, in order to recover.

I also hid my drinking from people and drank at home alone. I worked very, very hard to keep my problem a secret. We do understand and I know that you will find lots of support here.

ElegantlyWasted

If you can dry out for about a month, hang out with sober people and do things you really like. If you don't have any find some. Try a bunch of different avenues, aa, smart, rational recovery etc. and figure out what works for you. In month 5 I've found useful tools in all three mentioned "recovery" methods. Make a plan and work it. Educate yourself on addiction in general (to me hbo has the mos balanced website, followed by nida). It will change as you develope a new lifestyle and
don't beat yourself up if you slip. Use this site; login in daily here try to learn something new and contribute if you think you have something meaningful to day or just need to vent. Some here will relate to you. Just my 2 cents; a suggestion on what might work.

Alphao5

Thanks everyone for replying, i dont have alot of time have to be at work in 15 mins, I got a whole 3 and half housrs sleep and have only been getting this sense I stopped on 12/30 it feels like its never going to end! I know it will, and I under stand the idea behind 1930, but again its 2010 and I guess I am doing this a differnt way, I have quit before on my own and I know its possible to do it again! It was a weakness that got me high again after a year of not using heroin! thats the part I need to overcome this time, is not just detoxing but to to figure out why the heck I said yes again, I know the cause gf broke up with me, but the reason I went that route???? Instead of putting a smile on my face and looking forward to other possiblities I thought well I am worthless again and really thats the part I am having a hard time grasping on to, is I geuess depression in general! and why my actions are so out of line with "Normal" standards, anyways everyone is being great here sorry about my up front attitude! and hope everyone does a great job today! I will be trying to *shivers cold again*

Stereosteveo

HaHa! that aint no lie.

Apha you sound like a great guy. Personally I respect your honesty and being straight-foreword will take you far. I'm not a H addict but I have several friends who are. For them and so many others it all started in the rooms. The guy who first helped me is a doctor who took every drug under the sun. He said "I won't help you until you show a real desire by getting your arse to the meeting, in person." Today I know why. We learn so much in the rooms without having to say, or be told, anything. It really is a whole new world. You can easily get "deeper" into sobriety than any drug you've ever done.

So I would just like to bump what Intention said.

Go to a meeting,
keep an open mind,
look for similarities rather than differences when you hear people talk,
when you hear "God" think about whatever power you see greater than yourself,
ask someone who has the recovery you want, to show you how to get better.

Thanks for reaching out and helping us stay clean and sober.

Zencat

I'm not religious yet there is way for me to have an effective addiction treatment program. I use psychological principles like the tools from SMART Recovery. G*d and Higher Power concepts are irrelevant to me. Some people use those concepts...more power to them. I had to find out the hard way as to what works for me. Trial and error with a program that was not for me was a costly learning experience. However I do attend open meetings of AA/NA for support by the friends I have made there.

Keep striving for a better life drug free...life is good drug free.

shaun00

time to do something when you stop?
youve stopped before.......only to return.

so this is about taking action once youve stopped.
NA?.......other recovery programmes.....anything other than sitting on your hands.

i have several friends that have some years experience of abstinance from herion.........ALL of them have a recovery program ALL of them are members of NA or CA..

me......im an alcoholic with no experience with narcotics but i do have experience of seeing the life i wanted just not being able to reach out and grasp it.

i too needed something other than sitting on my hands......that became the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.....

welcome to sr my friend.........keep us posted.

Alphao5

I am not going to argue with anything that has been said, there are obviuse reasons why i failed and why i keep failing!

I agree that I am stuburn in my ways i need to change that or i will be shooting up god knows what next to "feel like myself" when actully i know we all know thats exzatly what we are running from!

I use to eat psychedlics thinking that I was going to find some untapped source of who I really am, I never tapped into that source but I tapped into other sources of my mind I really did not like, now when I talk to ppl all I can see is lies, I see ppl hiding, I cant keep a realationship cause i cant trust myself enough to trust anyone else....

5 meo amt mixxed with dextromethorphan mixxed with methamphetamines and throw a a few hits of acid on top of that and that was me 17 to 20 every weekend.... god what did i do to my thought pattern? but where the glowsticks and hotsprings alot funner when you can watch the trees breath and grow!

somewhere around 24 is when I lost it all, I lost myself and I lost the desire to try, and at that same time i meet my friendly opiate and the needle, then it was speedballs then it mixxing extasy meth heroin and coke together to get that real BLAST! I just had decided that if it killed me it was for the better if I was alive after each day then something I cannot argue with is keeping me here

I really thought I had a purpose again after I was almost killed in a car wreak from drinking long islands at a bar for a few hrs then huffing computer duster while driving.... that car wreak changed me for awhile but then that car wreak ruined me again, they injected me with hydromoraphone, moraphine, fentanal for a month and a half solid them supplied me with hydromorphone and methadone for another 9 ms.... and u know knowing how to use a needle my hydromorphone scripts every month was more like a 2 day supply......

i dont know why i say all this but there is alot more! im sure we all have alot more then what we want to metion but I have been at the bottom of the bottom! and why? I asked myself all day today why did I first take a mind altering substance? I only remember wanting to fit in with peers, I just rememeber that when I first started using weed and ordering chemicals off the internet growing mushrooms in my closet that i felt important that ppl liked me, no why is that??? why would ppl like me for that??? maybe thats the cause for my self destructive attitude maybe im so self destructive cause no one actully liked me I just thought they did and how can ppl like me when i dont like myself? and why dont i like myself i guess is the ultimate question??? is it cause I cant beleave in something as simple as a 12 step program? is it cause i laugh when i here the word GOD??? cause I never felt a GOD! i feel pain i feel betrayed, i feel like im a lie.... but why??? I actully have a great life! I just cant see it!! all i can see is all my mistakes that I cant take back, all the ifs and coulds, and I try not to!! but its like something I cannot control.... its somthing I dont even know where to start to control! however I did yet another day with out calling someone and getting high for 4 hrs thats a GREAT START, the rest after the withdrawls are seattled and my mind is cleared maybe i will stop being such a stuborn moron and get with it, i keep saying to myself this is the last time im going to feel like this! this is the last restless night! this is the last imaginary pain i feel!

anyways i love the support here, trying to detox alone is difficult when you burnt your bridges and you have not a sigle person in your life to turn to and say your sorry! and when you do look that one person you loved up on myspace and you write them and you tell them your so sorry for who you became they reply please dont talk to me and its like you just want to give up again! but I told the people in my past I was sorry for who i had became and I was sorry that i put them through what I did! I did that during my year off everything.... and all I got was a bunch of ***** u's

but yeah wow that kinda feels good i hold alot aginst myself! im sorry

again everyone thanks for all the replies I love comming on here and reading them! they are making a differance they are making me not want to get high or give up.... I just failed last time and it was cause i just forgot that I was still an addict, i thought it was over but ohhh no it just takes that one hit i know that this time! but why do i want to take that one hit, thats where i need to rethink some behaviors of mine, i only get suicidal when i drink so i dont drink, and i only wanna **** it all away when im doing heroin and other injectables and weed and stuff is kids play i dont even mess with that stuff..... so i just need to learn how to remeber that i am an addict! and yes i understand the 12 steps im just scared to walk them im afraid of finding myself, im afraid i wont like it!

Dee74

Alphao5

I think we can analyse ourselves endlessly...in the end the only thing that works is action.

Face your fears, and face your stubborness, and start actively looking for help - finding some face to face support will make a lot of difference.

D

intention

Hi Alphao,

Dee's right, you just need to get some face to face support. Of course the people you love don't trust your motives any more but the time for building those bridges is when you are well into recovery.

In the meantime you will find friends and support if you reach out in a meeting, regardless of what you have done in the past.

Keep in touch.