Originally Posted by jyates5
I have been in a fog for the last few days.I have searched all sorts of avenues to give me relief from my pain.I feel with all my heart that I work the program of AA with some success and have gained a great deal of sereinty and sprituality in the program.I have prayed and prayed about what is causing this unfulfilled need that is trying to invade my heart.After great consideration and prayer I have decided that I am just sick and tired of being sober,responsible and lonley like only people with addiction problems have experienced.I just want to get high and drunk and run the coarse that we all know so well.I must accept that no matter what I do periods of this behavior are going to slip and slide their way back into my sober life.Now that I recognize that this is just my sick character defects trying to take me to a place I neither belong or want to go back to. I will just have to see if what I have learned is stronger than this disgusting exsistence that I had finally succomb to.
Had to get this of my chest or I felt like I might bust I spent all afternoon in a celebration of the birthday of AA and felt like I did not even belong.
Thanks for the ear
folks I am almost 2 years sober and still feel like a child in the program.
Jyates5
Hi, j,
You are not defective or lacking in character. You have urges to use the drug you used before. That is normal and not a sign of weakness. Your program has given you tools for disputing, resisting, and defeating those urges. There are people there who you can talk to, and people here you can talk to, about what you're thinking and feeling.
One of the things I had to learn in sobriety was to deal with the ups and downs of my emotions, rather than just shunting them off to another time. Sometimes that meant accepting depression and discouragement. You know you're achieving longterm sobriety when life's up and downs feel normal. When a drug or alcohol feels like a solution to the downs, you recognize the desire and put it aside. Realize that the down period will pass, as will the urge. Don't hesitate to reach out for support and conversation when that will help; isolation and depression reinforce each other.
Please don't let the fact that you have those urges make you feel that your achievements aren't real. Please don't let the fact that you feel discouraged make you feel that you've learned nothing in two years. A child looks at the world in wonder and learns something new every day. There is something to be said for looking with child eyes.
Thanks for posting, and talk to you soon,
Don S