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There is no final solution just more problems

Old 06-12-2004, 08:55 PM
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Unhappy There is no final solution just more problems

I have been in a fog for the last few days.I have searched all sorts of avenues to give me relief from my pain.I feel with all my heart that I work the program of AA with some success and have gained a great deal of sereinty and sprituality in the program.I have prayed and prayed about what is causing this unfulfilled need that is trying to invade my heart.After great consideration and prayer I have decided that I am just sick and tired of being sober,responsible and lonley like only people with addiction problems have experienced.I just want to get high and drunk and run the coarse that we all know so well.I must accept that no matter what I do periods of this behavior are going to slip and slide their way back into my sober life.Now that I recognize that this is just my sick character defects trying to take me to a place I neither belong or want to go back to. I will just have to see if what I have learned is stronger than this disgusting exsistence that I had finally succomb to.
Had to get this of my chest or I felt like I might bust I spent all afternoon in a celebration of the birthday of AA and felt like I did not even belong.
Thanks for the ear
folks I am almost 2 years sober and still feel like a child in the program.
Jyates5
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Old 06-12-2004, 10:46 PM
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hi j,

i think sometimes us addicts and alcos forget that we are not the only ones in the world with problems. like we are the ONLY ones who have monkeys on our backs or incredible sorrows to deal with. there are just as many miserable sick "normies" as there are addicts and alcos. so when we get to thinking we are the only ones with problems we start justifying how we deserve to be happy all the time and of course, abstainance will give us that, right? wrong ... all that does is prolong our lives a little longer and give us a little clarity.

imo, if you are expecting to one day wake up and not desire a drink or be painfree that is unrealistic. its my understanding that the AA program teaches people how to deal with the crap and corruption that comes our way. its also not a guaranteed filter right? i dont think the unfulfilled need in your heart will disappear overnight, or even on your timeframe ... i just hope you're able to stick it out with the rest of us!

best wishes and congrats on your almost 2 years!

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Old 06-13-2004, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by jyates5
I have been in a fog for the last few days.I have searched all sorts of avenues to give me relief from my pain.I feel with all my heart that I work the program of AA with some success and have gained a great deal of sereinty and sprituality in the program.I have prayed and prayed about what is causing this unfulfilled need that is trying to invade my heart.After great consideration and prayer I have decided that I am just sick and tired of being sober,responsible and lonley like only people with addiction problems have experienced.I just want to get high and drunk and run the coarse that we all know so well.I must accept that no matter what I do periods of this behavior are going to slip and slide their way back into my sober life.Now that I recognize that this is just my sick character defects trying to take me to a place I neither belong or want to go back to. I will just have to see if what I have learned is stronger than this disgusting exsistence that I had finally succomb to.
Had to get this of my chest or I felt like I might bust I spent all afternoon in a celebration of the birthday of AA and felt like I did not even belong.
Thanks for the ear
folks I am almost 2 years sober and still feel like a child in the program.
Jyates5
Hi, j,
You are not defective or lacking in character. You have urges to use the drug you used before. That is normal and not a sign of weakness. Your program has given you tools for disputing, resisting, and defeating those urges. There are people there who you can talk to, and people here you can talk to, about what you're thinking and feeling.

One of the things I had to learn in sobriety was to deal with the ups and downs of my emotions, rather than just shunting them off to another time. Sometimes that meant accepting depression and discouragement. You know you're achieving longterm sobriety when life's up and downs feel normal. When a drug or alcohol feels like a solution to the downs, you recognize the desire and put it aside. Realize that the down period will pass, as will the urge. Don't hesitate to reach out for support and conversation when that will help; isolation and depression reinforce each other.

Please don't let the fact that you have those urges make you feel that your achievements aren't real. Please don't let the fact that you feel discouraged make you feel that you've learned nothing in two years. A child looks at the world in wonder and learns something new every day. There is something to be said for looking with child eyes.

Thanks for posting, and talk to you soon,
Don S
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Old 06-13-2004, 05:36 AM
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When we feel those urges it is an oppertunity to experience growth. To me the urge is my old nature trying to build a wall around me again because I am getting ready to discover something really good and my old nature doesn't want me to move farther away from it.
When I gave into that urge I was being mentally lazy instead of fit. It is a lot easier though to knock down a wall that only a few bricks high than to be lazy and let it build up over my head!
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Old 06-13-2004, 12:41 PM
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Jyates,

Good things already mentioned. Just don't give up. I know it's hard sometimes, we get to feeling "strange", "out of sort's" etc.. but you know where you don't want to go again, it won't make any of these emotions better, just worse. We're here to listen, relate, and help you through this.
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Old 06-13-2004, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by jyates5
I have been in a fog for the last few days.I have searched all sorts of avenues to give me relief from my pain.I feel with all my heart that I work the program of AA with some success and have gained a great deal of serenity and spiritually in the program.I have prayed and prayed about what is causing this unfulfilled need that is trying to invade my heart. Folks I am almost 2 years sober and still feel like a child in the program.
Jyates5

I know this feeling you have - it's the same as mine. Here is what I'm doing to try and find the source of it:

When you are ready, go back in time to when you first felt that "unfulfilled need". You still remember that time, right? I think maybe we all do. And you kind of gave away the answer by saying: "what is causing this unfulfilled need that is trying to invade my heart?

Besides pumping blood, what do we have a heart for? Spiritually, emotionally?

When I was growing up, I was made to feel shame for simply being a male child. And for simply doing the normal things a male child does. But there is a natural extension of this that I missed. If I could have somehow verbalized what I felt back then, it would go something like this:

"I don't deserve love because I'm trying to be a man and that is bad".

That was that 'normal' thing I was trying to be that I was made to feel I didn't deserve to be loved for. And what did I get instead of love for trying to be that?

I was criticized and hit a lot. So that's what I learned to think of love as being. Something that hurts me. I experienced shame and physical pain when I should have been experiencing unconditional love.

So these are the questions I asked my inner, hurt, child-self before I could discover the above:

1) I didn't deserve to be loved because (......).

2) I got (......) instead of love for being that.

3) So to me, love was (......).

4) I had to be (......) back then to try and get love.

You might find that whatever #1 is, is what, deep down inside, you think and feel is what is wrong with you. This is shame. And you are what you are ashamed of, but only as long as you walk around believing it's true.

What #2 is, is what your getting today instead of love. And it feels as bad today as it did back then.

#3 is what you seek when your looking for love. But it's not love. And it does not work.

#4 is what you are today when your trying to get love. But it did not work back then and it does not work now.

I think I have learned that I used drugs because they were the closest thing to feeling love that I could get. Think of all the words we use to describe being high. A stranger might think we were describing love. And all the ways I had learned to get love did not work. I have heard numerous addicts express great feelings of sadness and pain when they realized they had to give up their drugs. I too felt this when I finally gave up mine. We were giving up the only love we had. But we had to - they were killing us. We have to give them up and learn the right way to seek, to feel and to give love. To me, thats what growing up should have been. But I had no choice but to believe what I was made to feel back then. Children have no choice but to believe it.

But we are not children anymore and so we all have a choice today.


I hope this post made sense to someone. Sometimes I write these things and I think they only make sense to me. So take only what you need and leave the rest.
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Old 06-13-2004, 01:52 PM
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J,

You are not alone in your feelings. Somedays we can still feel lonely in a crowded room. That's just part of being human, addict or alcoholic aside, we are still human beings. Coming to terms with our humaness helps us in these times. We are not the animals or alien beings we sometimes felt we were when we were using. Today I am grateful to know that I am just a human who has the disease of addiction. That releases me from having to be perfect.

Love ya

Laurie D
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Old 06-15-2004, 04:32 PM
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Thank God
That there is a place to go and see and hear through someone elses eyes the problems in your life that are truly getting out of hand. God bless all of you for taking the time and the energy to envolve yourself in my life.You know I don,t think the earth and the universe is as great as the people who have been cast together to handle all of lifes trials and tribulations.
Thanks Again and god bless
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Old 06-15-2004, 04:59 PM
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Keep coming back!
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Old 06-15-2004, 06:59 PM
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13 + years and I have days where I feel like I don't know anything so I call up another addict and talk to them and we both laugh at how somehow we try and convince ourselves that one magical day everythig will be perfect and wonderful. When I hang the phone up or leave the meeting I shake my head and chuckle to myself and teh world sems perfect and wonderful for a few minutes...then I start taking that mental trip back into my own head a very strange and confucing place to spend too much time in.

Keep coming back .. Just for this moment the world is exactly as it should be, everyone is right where they are suposed to be, and I am feeling exactly the way I should.
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