Welcome to SR.....your words really touched me. I can feel the despair, fear and helplessness in your words. Life does feel so miserable when I am using/drinking......I know for me, when I have drank myself into oblivion for days/weeks/months.....I can share these type of feelings with you. I also know the scared, paranoia that comes from meth.....makes me nauseated at the thought!!
I finally got so sick of me, the addiction and the vicious cycle that I have started a plan for recovery. Day 6 for me.....the fog is clearing and I am feeling stronger and better with my decision to quit drinking!! The best part is I do NOT have to go through this journey alone!!
I read some excellent support on this thread that I hope you take heed. Get to some form of recovery......please!! You ARE worth it!!