Thank you Miyah.
I just wish I had an off switch to the confusion in my mind right now. Kind of like the switch he has for being charming, and then being mean.
I will try to stop beating myself up today....that is sad to see me write that. He would put me down and insult me....left him alone....and now I am beating myself up. I am not going to try, I am going to stop being hard on myself.