A lurker now posting

Old 12-31-2009, 09:27 PM
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MsSweetums
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A lurker now posting

i want to start of by saying happy new year!!!

I am hurting right now...I have been reading here since september. My ex of almost 2 weeks went into detox on tuesday (of this week), and i found out today that he was sent home that same day (from detox), because the rehab center didnt have a bed for him until Monday of next week.

I am upset and hurt, because, he told his relatives to watch me, keep in touch with me, because when he finishes rehab, he would show me what a good man he could be, because he loved me. I was told this on Monday.

Well, the relatives called me today, and I just inquired about whether or not they heard anything, (that is how i learned he was at home). They told me they were with him Tues., spoke to him earlier today, but they could no longer get a hold of him. I of course was concerned and proceeded to call him, left him 2 voice mails, and a text message with no response. Now I feel like the relatives lied to me about his feelings for me, but I dont understand why they would do that?

I was actually okay with my decision to leave him alone, (he called the police on me, not last saturday, but the saturday before, because i refused sex with him. i had 1 drink on an empty stomach, and another after eating, and told him that i would not leave, i would sleep on the floor for a minute, then leave, but he called the cops. I ended up being walked out of his place by the police and being told that I am sorry you are caught up in this, because he is an *******. i have left him alone since then. He has tried to reconnect 3 times since then, and I ignored him. Now I am sitting here upset, because I was worried about him, called him, and he ignored me.

WTF is wrong with me???
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:40 PM
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You came to the right place. I am glad you posted. My H and I are separated b/c he called the police when I locked him out of the bedroom. That was a year ago. He got sober but has not maintained any treatment so he is pretty much the same without the alcohol which is harder to take.

Due to his rotten attitude and runaway behavior I have cut all contact with him as of two weeks ago. Today he has been emailing me when I didn't answer the phone. He trying to pull out all the stops to get a response. It hurts a lot but I have to believe that his family (some who are in recovery) understand my position while they support him.

Hang in there, it will all work out, just keep two things in mind - he has to be sober before anything changes, and take care of yourself.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:57 PM
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MsSweetums
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I dont understand why I believed what the relative said to me? Am I that so far gone that I would go for that? Why do I even still care about him? i have only known him since August. I am scared for me, and my choices and my ability to believe the things that I hear from others. I have never been this way before, and do not understand, how I could do this now, to myself.

I feel horrible.
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Old 01-01-2010, 04:37 AM
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peaceful seabird
 
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here for yourself.

I have found a lot of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum (sticky posts). When I read those posts, I find that I am not alone and I find inspiration to begin taking better care of myself.

The tools that have helped me in my day to day life are:

SR, Alanon meetings and self-help books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are ending a relationship with someone that cared more about alcohol than anything else in their world. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of what could have been. Give yourself time to re-discover the desires of your heart.

We're here to support you. (((hugs)))
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:30 AM
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MsSweetums
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Thank you both for your responses and your support. I guess I allowed myself to beleive that things would be different since he was getting help, I just didn't expect the family to play games with me.

Would Al Anon be helpful for me?

Thank you
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:29 AM
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MsSweetums
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Thank you for your response. I guess in my haste last night I didnt post a few things properly. I started reading here in October, he was Mr. Charming until then. Either way it goes, I still should have ran. I have gone through just about everything that I have read other people post about oh here.

I had 2 drinks that night that he called the police, he told me to get out after I refused sex with him, I told him I needed to sleep first, then I would go, so that was the reason he gave the police, that he told me to leave and I refused.

I know it is all crazy, I feel like I am crazy. I was doing fine with my choice. After the police were called, that was it for me. I managed to get roped back in, and now my head is spinning again.

I will look for that book "Why Does He Do That?", because entitlement is not even something that I would have even thought of, but that definately describes his attitude sometimes.

Thank you for answering.
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:34 AM
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MsSweetums
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Thank you Bucyn.

I don't want my life to be consumed by his problems. That is why I chose to leave him alone. I decided that it would be best to not be involved with the family also (by family, I am referring to his cousins). His mother, brother, and sister don't enable him, so they weren't the ones that he was recruiting..

No, I don't love him, I do care about him alot. The person that I met was funny, sweet, thoughtful, caring, and fun to be around. We could not get enough of being around one another. We also had a few shared interests, and enjoyed alot of the same things. I know now, (looking back), that most of it had to be an act. Either way it goes, that guy is the one that I was enjoying, he is the one that I kept waiting on to show back up, after all of the problems began.

The only thing that I do know is that I have never been in a relationship of any kind like this before. I want to unlearn whatever it is, that took me down this road. I don't want to repeat this performance with another person in my future. So, I know that I need to fix myself...just trying to figure out where to start, or how to stop my head from spinning. I will start with the books that were suggested.

Today, I still feel like I am the crazy one, and that I must be really dumb. Posting here does help, and I appreciate your support.
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:47 AM
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miyah
 
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Originally Posted by mssweetums View Post
I dont understand why I believed what the relative said to me? Am I that so far gone that I would go for that? Why do I even still care about him? i have only known him since August. I am scared for me, and my choices and my ability to believe the things that I hear from others. I have never been this way before, and do not understand, how I could do this now, to myself.

I feel horrible.
The one thing I do know is that the alcoholic in my was very charming when he was good. Made me believe in the future with him against my better judgement. There is something they do to "hook" you in. So don't be too hard on yourself for wanting to believe.
It sounds like most of us here have visited that confusion at one time- if not many times
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Old 01-01-2010, 11:05 AM
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MsSweetums
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Thank you Miyah.

I just wish I had an off switch to the confusion in my mind right now. Kind of like the switch he has for being charming, and then being mean.

I will try to stop beating myself up today....that is sad to see me write that. He would put me down and insult me....left him alone....and now I am beating myself up. I am not going to try, I am going to stop being hard on myself.
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Old 01-01-2010, 11:55 AM
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Mssweetums, sometimes when we're feeling locked into our "other's" problems here, we like to reframe things this way:

What are you going to do for yourself today? What is one kind thing that you can do for YOU, to show that you forgive yourself for the crime of wanting to believe the best in people?

We learn many lessons in life......we try, we fall down, we get back up stronger and wiser.
Iif we beat ourselves up, then it just delays that "get back up" part

I am working on a new year's journaling exercise right now that asks me, "What kind of person do you want to be?" It's a good thing to ponder over a walk, a puzzle, a drive through beautiful countryside, a haircut, or something else you like doing for yourself. And it's all about you, not about him.

Take care of yourself. He has proven that he's not the kind of person you want to have in your life (abusive, self-centered, etc.) So I'd say he's on his own.

Which leaves you with you -- and this wonderful life stretching out in front of you that you can shape any way you like.

What are you doing for YOU today?
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:26 PM
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MsSweetums
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Thank you GiveLove. I will have to put this into practice as well. Today I have just taken it easy, since I have worked so many hours in the last three weeks.

Thanks to everybody.
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