CAPTAIN, sorry to hear about your cousin and hopefully he can find his way back. I sobered up in 1985. I took the 12 steps as described in the Big Book and the obsession to drink was removed. I think this is important because during the last 24 years, I drifted away from AA a couple of times. In one case, I did not go to a meeting for over three years. I have no doubt I would have drank if the obsession had not been removed. I also have no doubt that the obsession would return had I taken even one drink.
I drifted away because I got tired of hearing the same old crap in the meetings. I was attending drunk-a-logs and **** and moan meetings (e.g. open discussion). Unfortunately, these types of meetings are most prevalent around here, then and now. In hindsight, the self-centredness started to return BEFORE I drifted away. I looked on these meetings as a waste of time. I would bring up something from the Big Book and the discussion would return back to whining. I got tired of it. During the periods I was away, the self-centredness increased. Essentially, the madness returns, but without the drink. Another thing is that the longer I stayed away, the more difficult it was to return. I felt guilt that I had not fulfilled stayed and I was worried about what members would think.
Eventually I came back, and returned to my old group. I came back because I knew I would feel better. However, meetings had not changed. I started to venture to other groups and found a Big Book study group. I am now a member of it. I occasionally go to speakers meetings (there is one beside our psychiatric hospital which also houses a treatment program - I like this meeting) and sometimes go to step meetings. However, even this latter group uses the 12 x 12. They usually don't like me because I always have my Big Book and quote from it. I avoid open discussions. They may work for others, but they do nothing for me.
The last three years in sobriety have been the best. Why? Because I go to meetings to carry the message. I average two AA meetings a week. I also actively seek out those who are still suffering by attending detox meetings, Salvation Army and other last chance places. I sponsor a number of people and sponshorship is limited to getting them through the steps. If they want an easier softer way, they can find somebody else. What I find interesting is my sponsees are half new comers, and half with periods of 2 or more years of sobriety who are desparate enough to do finally do the steps. One of my sponsees spoke on Tuesday. He has 4.5 months in and is now on step 9. I dont believe in waiting. Get the work done, and live happy, joyous and free.
Lately, I have observed a number of returnees. People who had 6 or 7 years and one who had 20. In all cases, they had stopped attending meetings. However, none of these people had done the steps according to the Big Book. While I sound judgemental, most people around here in AA have not received the spiritual awakening and will undoubtedly go back out if they do not maintain meetings.
Finally, I think most members with extended periods of sobriety will back off AA for awhile. There are many reasons, but the most logical to me is: we are human. I read an article by Bill W. in Language of the Heart that each member will encounter a situation that requires a new surrender which leads to a higher level of spirituality. (Dont have the item, book is on loan). I have experienced this in my own life and my absence was one of those periods.
My program is stronger now. Steps 10, 11 are daily: Working with others a necessity.