Thank you gals for your support.
i was projecting worse case scenario about something that had about a 2% chance of coming true AND worried the dogs were sad AND worried about feelings that hank MIGHT have and wanting to prevent him from feeling feelings he hadn't felt yet and probably wouldn't!!!!!!
Anvil, that's me. I always project and worry about stuff that may never happen. Now I know, that I'm still early in recovery and anxiety is normal. However, what's not normal is worrying 24 hours over stuff that may never happen. Also, I feel I give too much to people and expect the same. When that doesnot happen, I feel disappointed and betrayed then convince msyelf that life is unfair and think about using. I have a low self esteem which doesnot allow me to accept rejection easily.I feel easily hurt . Also, I have the habit of trying to save everyone else. When someone is feeling low, I instantly feel there must be something I can help. I always give people advice on how their lives should be perhaps because it's easier then changing me and working me.
So yeah, I have a long way to go. But right now, my first priority is to stay clean. So I will not burden myself with oo much stress. I will try to set small goals for changes in me. Perhaps folks here who are not addicts wont understand why but stress is a trigger to me. So I wnat to change but not stress myself out. I wish I could say that now I recovered I react to situations like normal people but NO. We addicts react to stress in a completely different way. Situations may sound stupid and silly to normal people, it may cause triggers to us. Sometimes I feel bad about that and blame myself because like the songs says:I took the wrong road that lead to the wrong sanity. I never intended to be an addict and even didnot use with others so i wont be labbeled an addict.It's just that I grew up without a mom and wanted the love and support badly. I thought the world was a cruel place and tried to commit suicide when I was 19. I blamed God why I am still here. I have always been the best resposnible kid a parent may ask for. I give mom daily medications and take care of my younger brothers. I thought that was unfair. I saw reckless girls enjoying life being proud of themselves where as here I was treated by life unfairly. There were times when I was a kid when mom was talking to herself and i had to try to come up with a conversation so that people wont know my mom is insane. I always felt ashamed. I thought people will belittle me. I tried to look for attention and love in all the wrong places. All the guys I loved where as dysfunctional as I am. I especially loved "bad guys" and accepted being mistreated maybe because I thought I deserved that. The funny thing is that because I was sweet the bad guys turned sweet and they all tried to help me. But I was lost and felt a deep need for a mom. There where days I wished I could scream at her and tell mom I need you. Please try to be here for me. I've supressed these feelings for long. I donnot know if this is the right forum to vent out. If not, I'm sorry for posting in the wrong place..Happy New Year everyone hoping all your loved ones will be safe .
