Codependency

Old 12-30-2009, 03:42 AM
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Codependency

Hello everyone. I am a recovering addict with 4 months clean. I abused drugs for 8 years thinking trying to overcome several issues and ended up with more destruction and emotional hurt. I realized that adddiction was but a symptom of my unmnageability even before I got on drugs. I grew up with a schizophrenic mom and an abusive father. He had the characters of the best dad ever plus the worst character you could ever find. This made me an over-sensitive person. I wanted to be loved and accepted by everybody. I would help someone to the maximum and then when I see the ungrateful I would be so defensive and negative with them. How do I treat my codependency? How do I become a partner in friendship without asking too much from people and giving too much?
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Old 12-30-2009, 05:41 AM
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Hi Jane and welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of people here who have had similar lives and experiences. Hopefully some of them will be along soon to share their own experience, strength and hope.

There are some really good books out there that many of us have read. I recommend CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. You can find it online or at most bookstores. I've even seen copies at our local Half Price Books.

I also recommend Al Anon meetings. It helped me to learn more about the disease of alcoholism, and how some of my coping behaviors got out of balance and caused me more pain and relationship troubles.

Again, welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you're looking for.

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Old 12-30-2009, 06:57 AM
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(((Jane))) - I found out, when I began my addiction recovery, that I, too, am a codie. I started reading on the Friends & Family of substance abuse forum, mainly because I needed to see what my addiction put my family through to deal with it, but I got a tremendous amount of insight into my own codie issues.

Cat's is right on about that book...it is wonderful, as is ANYTHING by Melody Beattie.

I've discovered my addiction and codependency are so intertwined, it's like they are one in the same...nothing will make me want to use more than dealing with a situation or someone that I can't control and the feelings of helplessness that come with it.

We also have a thread, called "codepency and beyond" that deals with codependency...obviously, everyone there is affected by addiction, or they wouldn't be here, but we focus more on the behaviors of being a codie.

It was when I started addressing my CODIE issues that my ADDICTION recovery really "clicked". I feel as if I'm in recovery from both, and it's made a big difference from the time when I was clean for a better part of a year, but still had the same behaviors.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-30-2009, 10:59 AM
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Amy, thank you so much. I posted here following your advice. I always read what your post and find them very inspirational. I feel that I need to adress this issue.
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Old 12-30-2009, 01:23 PM
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(((Jane))) thank you!

I read, on here, a LOT...old posts, present posts...everything. The more I read, the more I saw "me". I'd read "codependent no more" YEARS ago, when I was with XABF#1 but though I could see I had some "issues" I was not ready to deal with them.

When I started reading here, I would try things that worked for other people, even if the situations were different...baby steps...like not arguing back with my 16-year-old niece, even though I almost had to bite my tongue in two All it ever did was get ME more upset and off balance, so I would just go to my room and not talk to her. That was the start of an awesome relationship with her, and she is picking up on MY behaviors in how to deal with stuff.

To me, codie recovery is harder than addiction recovery...we HAVE to be around people all the time..we don't have to be around the drugs. However, with time and taking those baby steps, it is very rewarding and life gets oh, so much better!!

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-31-2009, 12:49 AM
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Thank you gals for your support.

i was projecting worse case scenario about something that had about a 2% chance of coming true AND worried the dogs were sad AND worried about feelings that hank MIGHT have and wanting to prevent him from feeling feelings he hadn't felt yet and probably wouldn't!!!!!!
Anvil, that's me. I always project and worry about stuff that may never happen. Now I know, that I'm still early in recovery and anxiety is normal. However, what's not normal is worrying 24 hours over stuff that may never happen. Also, I feel I give too much to people and expect the same. When that doesnot happen, I feel disappointed and betrayed then convince msyelf that life is unfair and think about using. I have a low self esteem which doesnot allow me to accept rejection easily.I feel easily hurt . Also, I have the habit of trying to save everyone else. When someone is feeling low, I instantly feel there must be something I can help. I always give people advice on how their lives should be perhaps because it's easier then changing me and working me.

So yeah, I have a long way to go. But right now, my first priority is to stay clean. So I will not burden myself with oo much stress. I will try to set small goals for changes in me. Perhaps folks here who are not addicts wont understand why but stress is a trigger to me. So I wnat to change but not stress myself out. I wish I could say that now I recovered I react to situations like normal people but NO. We addicts react to stress in a completely different way. Situations may sound stupid and silly to normal people, it may cause triggers to us. Sometimes I feel bad about that and blame myself because like the songs says:I took the wrong road that lead to the wrong sanity. I never intended to be an addict and even didnot use with others so i wont be labbeled an addict.It's just that I grew up without a mom and wanted the love and support badly. I thought the world was a cruel place and tried to commit suicide when I was 19. I blamed God why I am still here. I have always been the best resposnible kid a parent may ask for. I give mom daily medications and take care of my younger brothers. I thought that was unfair. I saw reckless girls enjoying life being proud of themselves where as here I was treated by life unfairly. There were times when I was a kid when mom was talking to herself and i had to try to come up with a conversation so that people wont know my mom is insane. I always felt ashamed. I thought people will belittle me. I tried to look for attention and love in all the wrong places. All the guys I loved where as dysfunctional as I am. I especially loved "bad guys" and accepted being mistreated maybe because I thought I deserved that. The funny thing is that because I was sweet the bad guys turned sweet and they all tried to help me. But I was lost and felt a deep need for a mom. There where days I wished I could scream at her and tell mom I need you. Please try to be here for me. I've supressed these feelings for long. I donnot know if this is the right forum to vent out. If not, I'm sorry for posting in the wrong place..Happy New Year everyone hoping all your loved ones will be safe .
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