transformyself

Dearest, most kind and wonderful Naive.

Are you in the UK? Bloke, love it.

I"m not sure how to respond to your post, I appreciate your plea and know you care about me. I've had another accuse me of putting my children in a dysfunctional home so I can "learn" detachment, but that person was just being nasty and thankfully I blocked her. You, My Dear, truly care. I know. That's why I'm trying to explain it to you. I'm also processing it myself.

I believe right now there is no need for no contact. I know that'll set off a line of "you're in denial and when you've had enough you'll stop" responses and that's ok.

You probably saw this
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-place.html
and this
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-problem.html

I'm solid in my self assessments and know that my choices regarding the AH and this ptsd stuff isn't the result of magical thinking or denial.

He's an alcoholic. I"m not in love with him anymore. (OMG it feels so good to write that and mean it. I BEGGED God for this for so long!!!) I dont' expect anything from him. I see the situation clearly, both him and myself. I have increasingly experienced detachment with compassion, clear boundaries and a renown focus on myself and my children and my new job.

I won't let him live with me. That was temporary and a choice I do not regret.
I know what kind of man cheats apologizes and does it again. He is selfish, demanding, king baby.
I don't trust him with my heart. Or my money. Or the kids, really, but that one is tricky.
I engage with him from an emotional distance only.

Believe me, I've tried no contact with him every time we seperate. This is a different sort of no contact. An emotional one. I draw quick boundaries and then he's gone.

I was caught in his web for the duration of our marriage. And what happenned last night is not that.

The difference between what happened last night and my pain over all those years is that this was a PTSD trigger that stood alone. I think that's one of the reasons it was over so quickly. Brutal, yes. Painful, yes. That's the nature of those beasts.

Prior to the last month or so, I was emotionally connected to him. Had expectation, wanted it to work out, wanted him to love me, stop cheating, stop drinking, etc. I was heartbroken and caught in that web of confusion, of trying to understand and get him to "behave." or respect me. What a laugh. When I started to pull away from those


Now I have none of those, and am actually experiencing serenity and peace when I do have contact with him. However, regardless of whether or not I see or talk to him, I will still will have an occasional trigger. Like a war vet when a car backfires. It has nothing to do with the present moment, than that one similiar connection to the past.

I don't know if you know about them or not. I still have triggers about my mother too and haven't spoken to her in 20 years. I"m learning to catch them early and cap them off, am thrilled really by my ability to do so last night. Record time.

I hope you can take in all this information and see what happened last night in the context of the larger picture.

At this point, he's gone over to his house. Not staying here overnight, all though he will be coming to watch the kids while i go to yoga, go to work, etc.

And honestly, the truth is -the whole picture is-he has helped me a great deal here, not because he wants to trick me (which wouldn't work anyway) but because he wants his kids to have an organized environment. Now he has to set up his house. He's not a 100% demon. I can see that, thankfully, and still not be pulled into his web.

If I again become attached to him, I will draw a no contact line. Honestly, though, I can't imagine it. There is too much damage. I see him clearly now, myself as well and once you see the truth, once you come out of denial there's no going back. I keep him at arms length and it ain't hard Sister. He's not worthy of my trust, love or beautiful attention.

You, on the other hand, are.