Thread: GivingBack
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Old 12-29-2009, 05:08 PM
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tyler
Not all better, getting better
 
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I don't participate in AA, but I still think "giving back" is an important part of my personal recovery. I have spent most of my life as a very selfish person, pleasing myself was always the most important thing. If you could make others happy at the same time, that was a nice bonus, but it was really about me. Even when I did things to help others, it was often more about doing something to make me feel good rather than selflessly helping someone else.

This is howo my personality has always been, far before I got mixed up with drugs. I've always been a "taker". Drugs only made it worse. Drugs made me feel good. Feeling good was the most important thing in my life, therefore making sure I always had drugs, making me "happy" became the most important thing in my life. I cast aside others who cared deeply for me in my constant quest to satisfy myself. It wasn't just drugs, it was sex, material possessions, food, anything to try to satisfy myself, with no thought or remorse for who I was hurting in the process. Even when I did think about the damage I was doing, my solution was to get high and numb it out.

That is why I feel giving back is so important to me. I'm only 8 months clean. I've been a taker all of my life and a drug abuser for the last 20 years. I'm still pretty much on the fence about the whole god thing, but I do believe in karma. When you do good, you will recieve it back. I've got a lot of making up to do. Not just to people I've hurt, but to humanity in general. It gives me peace, knowing that I helped or was of service to another person. Perhaps that is still a selfish way of looking at it, but if good can somehow come from my selfishness, I think it's still good.
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