Kjell,
I was also surprised to look at the reality of my life.
I had made all my decisions, large and small, based on fear and living in the dark. It was unbelievably sad to me, and I truly had a long period of mourning for all the losses that had happened because of my fear.
But, I have grown and changed and you can do that too. Under my avatar it says "Dancing in the Light" and that is how I try to live my life now.