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ahhh_the_peeling_of_the_onion_has_begun

Old 12-29-2009, 08:09 AM
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i've done my almost
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ahhh_the_peeling_of_the_onion_has_begun

...and it ain't pretty

Trying not to speak in absolutes, but I've been thinking lately about how my life was, how I was living it, and how I treated others.

Selfish, self centered, grandiose, scared & fearful. Damn...it's true. Just like the book said. I was but a scared little boy living in a grown up world.

I drank and drugged b/c I liked the feeling. I liked the feeling of feeling and acting important. I liked the feeling of making "friends" easy, of making lovers easy, and of pleasure seeking made easy. I liked my reputation as the party guy b/c I wanted people to respect me and this was the easy way of doing it. Etc...Etc...Etc...

Now I realize it was all a lie. It was all a lie b/c I didn't earn a damn thing, I took the easy way and lied, cheated, and stole my way through life. I did this mostly to feel good, to not have to face my feelings, and to portray what I wanted the world to see me as. ...and not to see me as I was.

I gotta lot of work to do.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:11 AM
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We all have a lot of work to do. It's when we think we don't need the work, that the trouble starts.

I like your post....sounds like you have your head in the right spot.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:25 AM
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Kjell,

I was also surprised to look at the reality of my life.

I had made all my decisions, large and small, based on fear and living in the dark. It was unbelievably sad to me, and I truly had a long period of mourning for all the losses that had happened because of my fear.

But, I have grown and changed and you can do that too. Under my avatar it says "Dancing in the Light" and that is how I try to live my life now.
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:07 AM
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Don't we all Kjell. We are but a work in progress. Never stop the learning process. Thanks for your post.
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:13 AM
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Great post kjell, I have heard folks use the onion metaphor who have over 30 years sober. These folks have peace and serenity sparkling about them, yet when they speak, it is not as though they are done with their recovery, they are always learning, with every new layer of them selves that they peel back and come to terms with, there is yet another layer beneath.

I have heard old timers say that when they think they got it and can go no further they dig even further and continue to work thier programs.
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Old 12-29-2009, 10:24 AM
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If interested in the origins of the onion metaphor, I believe credit goes to Henrik Ibsen where he first successfully utilized it in his classic play, Peer Gynt:
The play focuses on the problems of choice, and of identity. "What is it to be one self", Peer asks in the end, and gets the answer: "to overcome one´s self". In a central scene, we find Peer pondering his identity, and picks an onion to look for the core of it. He declares himself an onion, and in the process finds nothing but layers. Who has he really been? Philosophically, the existential core of the play should be plain to see. Related to this theme, we also find the old riddle of the Sphinx. Much of the later dialogue revolves around riddles, and Man's purpose. The play is considered based on the medieval morality play, and Peer is related to the main Character Everyman, who has to atone and make up for his life when unexpectedly facing death.

The themes from the play surfaced again in the book The Neverending Story by Michael Ende. Many topics and even scenes from the play are referred to in the book.
Peer Gynt's life with the trolls and as a troll also provides some interesting metaphors for life as a drunk: "Out there, where sky shines, humans say: 'To thyself be true.' In here, trolls say: 'Be true to yourself-ish.'"
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Old 12-29-2009, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by basIam View Post
Furthermore, don't we find that what we have become is not our ideal for ourselves? Out of fear we assume various behaviors in order to find some level of comfort and security and "sell out" our true self. Our ego overpowers our id. Isn't this the root of our discontent?
Yes, I do believe this is the root of my discontent. Well said basIam.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
...and it ain't pretty

Trying not to speak in absolutes, but I've been thinking lately about how my life was, how I was living it, and how I treated others.

Selfish, self centered, grandiose, scared & fearful. Damn...it's true. Just like the book said. I was but a scared little boy living in a grown up world.

I drank and drugged b/c I liked the feeling. I liked the feeling of feeling and acting important. I liked the feeling of making "friends" easy, of making lovers easy, and of pleasure seeking made easy. I liked my reputation as the party guy b/c I wanted people to respect me and this was the easy way of doing it. Etc...Etc...Etc...

Now I realize it was all a lie. It was all a lie b/c I didn't earn a damn thing, I took the easy way and lied, cheated, and stole my way through life. I did this mostly to feel good, to not have to face my feelings, and to portray what I wanted the world to see me as. ...and not to see me as I was.

I gotta lot of work to do.
Yup, me too!! At least we've come to recgonise this while we can still do something to improve our lives. Many don't put it together until on their death bed. Just gotta keep at it!! Take care.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:35 PM
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Old 12-29-2009, 06:00 PM
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for the alcoholic who is impatient,

never met one yet that aint...



keep peeling away a lifetime

serenity, or bust!

good wishes
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Old 12-29-2009, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by 51anna View Post
Kjell,

I was also surprised to look at the reality of my life.

I had made all my decisions, large and small, based on fear and living in the dark. It was unbelievably sad to me, and I truly had a long period of mourning for all the losses that had happened because of my fear.

But, I have grown and changed and you can do that too. Under my avatar it says "Dancing in the Light" and that is how I try to live my life now.
Mhhhhmmm, good stuff anna and kj, and thanks for that north as well, interesting and moving read
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