S1 - I feel very much like you do. Especially from your posting in your other thread, up and down days....constantly. I like to think that this is partly due to how much alone time I am spending and just processing emotions.
But I to question the "what if I handled things differently...?" I don't think it would have made a difference. I notice yours found a new "love of his life"? Mine went back to the "only love of his life", according to him.
The thing I realized was that he kept SO MUCH of who he was truly hidden from me. I never had even a true glimpse into how much he drank. So of course I sometimes think...maybe he didn't drink THAT much? I know in my heart that's not true.
I went there to "rescue" him after he had a car accident...drunk of course. He had a breakdown. I never realized my codependency issues until after that night...and really not until HE told me I had them. Isn't that funny...HE told ME about MY issues.
Mine too had moments with cocaine. Though I will never know how many. He said it's not something he did anymore. But then he admitted to me that he did it while on a work retreat.
He also did it during a bachelor party that I know of back in May. So yes, when it's there, he will obviously do it.
And like you, I suppose I think too, that these are things that his girlfriend will put up with. When he decided to go back to her he explained to me that "she knows what it's like to be with him", "she knows what it's like to hold him at night when he has nightmares" (ptsd). There is a comfort he feels with her. Yes, I wish it was the same level of comfort he could have felt with me.
But like you, I say, do I want the other stuff?? Would I be willing to put up with the drinking? And definitely the lies? No doubt if he lied to me, and manipulated, and he did, that is WHO HE IS. I'm fairly certain that he's not mr. perfect with her. I always try to remember there was a reason why they had a bad split in the first place.
She is 23 years old, maybe 24 now. From what he told me, she's pretty intelligent, but also a drinker, her whole family is. They partied together all through college. (He's 34) She is his emotional equal. I don't mean to put her down, but I do try to rationalize why he would ever go back to a situation in which he described as a "nightmare."
But it starts to makes sense. He doesn't really have to change for her.
I feel blue to at the idea of who I lost. But I don't even really know who I lost. He was never real. Now, I am trying so hard to focus on the positives of my future. I really lost myself with him, and i'm learning who I am again. Trying to think about things I like to do.
What are some things that you like to do that you may have forgotten about while with him?
It's hard, I understand, to always second guess yourself. But I think the work you are doing now is good. Everyone here is very self aware. We can look inside and maybe admit to what we have done wrong. A lot of people dont have the ability, actually don't want to do that.
Keep reading here, it helps to get me through the day and remind me of what I DON'T want.
