Just Thinking

Old 12-26-2009, 01:43 PM
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Just Thinking

I was just thinking that with the holidays here I wish I had found this site when I was dealing with my XABF. What a tremendous source of comfort I have found reading about people's experiences. I found the stickies particularly helpful-and realized I never truly handled his "slips" well. I am feeling very sad today and have stupidly started thinking "what if I handled my reaction to the slips differently?" Maybe he wouldn't have felt like he had to hide things. I was completely ill-equipped to handle his addiction. We are so different. I wonder maybe his girlfriend that drinks with him will calm his urges in some way--being that everything is out in the open. They will surely avoid that horrible cycle we went through of anger-disappointment-then-deception. Don't know what to think...

I always took his slips to heart either reacting with tears or a confrontation. Neither worked. Toward the end I would acknowledge them but suggest him to get back on track but that's when his "slips" seemed to become more frequent. I had an even worse thought-was his drinking really that bad? He never drank on a daily basis and was never abusive. His binge drinking and cocaine use would happen in cycles with no rhyme or reason. He wouldn't do anything sometimes for 2 months, then it might be every 2 weeks. You could never be sure. In truth, the stress of him not working, being high from pot all day, and these "slips" all contributed to me ending the relationship. Anyway, just reflecting and feeling melancholy.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:17 PM
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S1 - I feel very much like you do. Especially from your posting in your other thread, up and down days....constantly. I like to think that this is partly due to how much alone time I am spending and just processing emotions.

But I to question the "what if I handled things differently...?" I don't think it would have made a difference. I notice yours found a new "love of his life"? Mine went back to the "only love of his life", according to him.
The thing I realized was that he kept SO MUCH of who he was truly hidden from me. I never had even a true glimpse into how much he drank. So of course I sometimes think...maybe he didn't drink THAT much? I know in my heart that's not true.

I went there to "rescue" him after he had a car accident...drunk of course. He had a breakdown. I never realized my codependency issues until after that night...and really not until HE told me I had them. Isn't that funny...HE told ME about MY issues.
Mine too had moments with cocaine. Though I will never know how many. He said it's not something he did anymore. But then he admitted to me that he did it while on a work retreat.
He also did it during a bachelor party that I know of back in May. So yes, when it's there, he will obviously do it.

And like you, I suppose I think too, that these are things that his girlfriend will put up with. When he decided to go back to her he explained to me that "she knows what it's like to be with him", "she knows what it's like to hold him at night when he has nightmares" (ptsd). There is a comfort he feels with her. Yes, I wish it was the same level of comfort he could have felt with me.
But like you, I say, do I want the other stuff?? Would I be willing to put up with the drinking? And definitely the lies? No doubt if he lied to me, and manipulated, and he did, that is WHO HE IS. I'm fairly certain that he's not mr. perfect with her. I always try to remember there was a reason why they had a bad split in the first place.
She is 23 years old, maybe 24 now. From what he told me, she's pretty intelligent, but also a drinker, her whole family is. They partied together all through college. (He's 34) She is his emotional equal. I don't mean to put her down, but I do try to rationalize why he would ever go back to a situation in which he described as a "nightmare."

But it starts to makes sense. He doesn't really have to change for her.

I feel blue to at the idea of who I lost. But I don't even really know who I lost. He was never real. Now, I am trying so hard to focus on the positives of my future. I really lost myself with him, and i'm learning who I am again. Trying to think about things I like to do.
What are some things that you like to do that you may have forgotten about while with him?

It's hard, I understand, to always second guess yourself. But I think the work you are doing now is good. Everyone here is very self aware. We can look inside and maybe admit to what we have done wrong. A lot of people dont have the ability, actually don't want to do that.
Keep reading here, it helps to get me through the day and remind me of what I DON'T want.
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Old 12-27-2009, 07:40 AM
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both of your comments also ring true for me. my ex-husband is now living with someone and if you made an assumption based on their smiling pictures, you would think he / they are happy. but i think one of the reasons it's "working" is that he does not have to hide his drinking in that relationship. oh, what a burden off that must be. i too, looked at the picture of him holding a beer in one hand and his arm around her in the other and thought "maybe it's not all that out of control. maybe he's changed. maybe...."

i am now with someone who is on methadone maintanence. he gets what he calls a slight glow an hour after he takes his maintenence dose, but does not get high. he is still taking a substance though, every day. can i live with this? is it acceptable to me? jury is still out on that one.

the bottom line is that we KNEW there was something we couldn't live with, and we made the right decisions, for us. funny how often our minds can play tricks on us.

kitty, what you said about his emotional equal makes so much sense. also who wouldn't want to be around someone who doesn't constantly hold up a mirror in front of their face? i think it gets to the point that even when you're not holding it right up there, you just being in their presence holds it up. (did that make sense?)

and also what you said to s1seven. i am just starting to "remember" who i am, and act on it - reconnecting with friends and getting out there and doing things that bring me pleasure, that i had lost when i was wrapped up in my abf's using behaviors.

happy new year
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