MeAndOnlyMe

I've been reading the forums now and again for a while now. Finally registered as a user 2-3 months ago. Posted a few random, whining messages. Not much to me.

I woke up this morning around 4 with my heart pounding. Seems all of that wine yesterday (everyday) dehydrated me a bit and my BP was up and I was generally a mess. Drink water, walk around a bit to shake off the jitters and back to bed - and my oldest toddler had joined me. In the dark of the winter morning, hearing my first born say, "I love you, Daddy" before falling back asleep did it for me. I spent the next three hours lying in bed, thinking about my life and finally making the decision to step back away from my dance with Mademoiselle Alcohol.

I don't know if I'll succeed but this is the first time I've decided to do something about my drinking instead of just hoping and wishing it away. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll be 99% fixed and live with the occasional slip-up. Maybe I'll finally just drink myself to death...or maybe I won't.

The plan is to taper alcohol use beginning tonight - already started - and begin looking for an out-patient program next week (not an excuse, just the holidays). No need to criticize this decision if you comment as this is the way it's going to be (slightly better than **** drunk, right?). After that it's seeking out some additional help without AA. I respect anyone who has had success with AA but the simple logistics of being a nearly single parent with no meetings in the area leave this option out for me at this point in my life - it's just the way it is and I'll try to make the best of it regardless.

So, who knows if I'll make any progress or if I'll be one of the many you never see in the forums again. Time will tell and I'm hoping that at least my willingness to finally DO SOMETHING will lead to a better me or if nothing else a better version of me.