Notices

Lurking for a while but think I'm finally ready to jump

Old 12-23-2009, 07:46 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Lurking for a while but think I'm finally ready to jump

I've been reading the forums now and again for a while now. Finally registered as a user 2-3 months ago. Posted a few random, whining messages. Not much to me.

I woke up this morning around 4 with my heart pounding. Seems all of that wine yesterday (everyday) dehydrated me a bit and my BP was up and I was generally a mess. Drink water, walk around a bit to shake off the jitters and back to bed - and my oldest toddler had joined me. In the dark of the winter morning, hearing my first born say, "I love you, Daddy" before falling back asleep did it for me. I spent the next three hours lying in bed, thinking about my life and finally making the decision to step back away from my dance with Mademoiselle Alcohol.

I don't know if I'll succeed but this is the first time I've decided to do something about my drinking instead of just hoping and wishing it away. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll be 99% fixed and live with the occasional slip-up. Maybe I'll finally just drink myself to death...or maybe I won't.

The plan is to taper alcohol use beginning tonight - already started - and begin looking for an out-patient program next week (not an excuse, just the holidays). No need to criticize this decision if you comment as this is the way it's going to be (slightly better than **** drunk, right?). After that it's seeking out some additional help without AA. I respect anyone who has had success with AA but the simple logistics of being a nearly single parent with no meetings in the area leave this option out for me at this point in my life - it's just the way it is and I'll try to make the best of it regardless.

So, who knows if I'll make any progress or if I'll be one of the many you never see in the forums again. Time will tell and I'm hoping that at least my willingness to finally DO SOMETHING will lead to a better me or if nothing else a better version of me.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-23-2009, 08:17 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad you decided to post again....

All my best as you explore what action to take.
Blessings to you and your family...
CarolD is offline  
Old 12-23-2009, 08:27 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 67
Hey buddy! Glad you're here man. Please stick around...............read all you can on alcohol and recovery. Hey, you took the first step man...you see the need for change. Let me tell you something. I remember when my oldest was a toddler........I could be drunk as a skunk or hungover as a *******.....................she had no idea.

Now my little princess is nine years old..........and when I go to the liquor store she knows why.........she makes comments.....she knows daddy is going to be acting strange tonight. Do yourself a favor man.......stop this as soon as you can.
Good luck buddy
Steve
mmeat is offline  
Old 12-23-2009, 08:38 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 204,782
Hi MeAndOnlyMe

Tapering never worked for me...it just prolonged the drinking.

I figure if you think you'll be that sick without tapering, a doctor is a great idea - and I hope you'll accept that small bit of advice in the spirit it was offered.

Welcome to SR
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-23-2009, 08:55 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi MeAndOnlyMe

Tapering never worked for me...it just prolonged the drinking.

I figure if you think you'll be that sick without tapering, a doctor is a great idea - and I hope you'll accept that small bit of advice in the spirit it was offered.

Welcome to SR
D
Yeah, I'm a wee bit concerned about that. I've abstained plenty of times in the past for up to a week and at worst have a rough night of sleeping or two. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not terribly physically addicted to ETOH - just psychologically. I think I'm mostly lazy about not drinking - it has always been easy (in every regard possible) to have booze on-hand and get to that place I want to be (night after night after night....). Then when I type something like that I feel like a bit of an ass as it seems so simple to call it laziness when posting to forums where many people are clearly stronger than myself.

With what I've read about some of the AA stuff and the 30-day, etc. tokens or coins people get - you know, I'd actually be pretty happy with myself to always have the newbie token and get 29 days, month after month. I don't need absolutes at this point of my understand of myself - I just need a mostly better me.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-23-2009, 08:57 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Thanks for the advice

...I appreciate EVERYONE'S advice and this early point. I'm still trying to sort it out and understand what it means for me personally without tossing it all to the wind and giving up before I've really started. You know, the lazy way out.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 08:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
6/20/08
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Welcome to SR. Stick close...it helps!
coffeenut is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 08:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
mergirl
 
Gypsy Feet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Welcome to SR!! This website and all of the addiction books at the library were what I used to forge my first 6+ months of recovery.

I had to quit altogether. I wasn't a morning drinker, i held a job fine, no DUIs, no wrecked anything for 28 years. I was the one at the party that always kept it together, made sure everyone was safe, and told the tales the next day. One night when most of my family and friends were over I had a few too many jello shots, ended up doing some seriously stupid sh!t, and blacking out. The next morning my then 21 year old daughter had to relate the awful tale.

I now realize that my children were all raised by 2 drunks. My youngest has a substance abuse problem that she learned sitting on my knee. '

It can and does get worse if you dont do something to make it better, I am glad you are taking this first step.
Gypsy Feet is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 11:22 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 97,213
I wish you the best at whatever you decide to do. IOP might be a great idea. I have an addiction counselor and it helps me a lot.
least is online now  
Old 12-24-2009, 12:23 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Thanks, everyone

It might not seem like much to everyone with months and years of being dry but I'm feeling strangely good about having just slowed down, for the first of what I hope will be many, many days. I'm not feeling any particular amount of stress about drinking or not drinking at a party tonight. I've already chosen a couple of particularly good bottles of wine to bring for others to drink at dinner tomorrow, thus slowly giving away a cellar full of wine and booze.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 12:26 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Whatever it takes

Originally Posted by least View Post
I wish you the best at whatever you decide to do. IOP might be a great idea. I have an addiction counselor and it helps me a lot.
Thanks, least. I'm open to trying anything except in-patient at this point in my life. I'm hoping to learn to develop tools so as not to rely on booze as so much of a crutch. Plenty of other better people than myself have learned how to fix their lives in the history of the world, right?
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 09:09 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Xmas Eve

Wee bit tipsy but not sloshing drunk after a family holiday party - pretty much what I had hoped for as a worst case. Condemn or forgive - I'm doing better than each previous day (short as my time has been) and attempting to be mindful of my past.

Wishing you all a good night as I'm learning this is a night by night situation for me (and probably many of you also).
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-24-2009, 10:46 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lenina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
MeAndOnly,

AA isn't the only way to get and stay sober. I use Rational Recovery. There's also SMART, LifeRing and CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). I wasn't able to stay quit until I got some tools under my belt.

I went to an inpatient rehab and used AA for about eight years. I learned a lot and it was mostly a good experience.

Tapering didn't work for me either. It was all or nothing for this girl!

Explore all the options and choose one that works for you. And do stick around SR. It's a great place for support, information and has some truly fabulous people!

Love,

Lenina
Lenina is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 09:35 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Xmas eve down. Xmas day to go

Not so bad last night. Few glasses of wine - too full of good food and conversation actually
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 10:32 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
LeeBoy1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canton, Ga.
Posts: 5
You have a lot of advice and sounds like you are sorting it out. Good luck with this, as one member said, " AA is not the only service " at your disposal, yet you want to take action in the near future to decide.
I have been sober awhile, I just found this site...I am overwhelmed when the information and support, so it seems you may have found something already, you seem to like posting here so the first step has started. Merry Christmas
LeeBoy1 is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 01:33 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Owner of a strange glitch.
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
re "better me"

MAOM... I actually get you when you say a "better me"... for years I drank a (750ml) bottle a day, 151 proof most days, 80 on "light drinking days"... since coming to SR I've had my ups and downs, but I've been sober more days than not... and during relapse days I've lowered the proof (if not the quantity) down to 80 all the time... and that's a better me. Better, but not very good.

This isn't to say this is how I meant it to be. I was hoping that I could just quit, but that's not quite how it worked for me. I just kept stumbling--sober 20 days, drunk 5, sober 11, drunk 4, like that. Which was better than drunk 365... but didn't feel so good some of the time.

However, I can look back on the last 6 months and realize that while I could have done it better, I did do pretty good for me all alone. But now that's not good enough, now I want to be sober all the time--I guess it's just a case of never happy with what you got.

Start out with whatever goal you like, if you like staying sober you can always change your mind. Yeah, I'll probably get torn apart for that sentence alone. But when I was beginning this walk down the sober path, I didn't know a whole lot of what I know now, about both sobriety and myself... I was bound to change my mind.

I wish you the best of luck, and apologies if any of this wasn't quite clear... I'm still on day 5 myself...brain's still getting back to normal.

Take care, and remember to follow up on what you're typing now...
TB
thirtybubba is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 01:53 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Hannitized
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
Good for you!

To think that you children will be spared seeing you drunk or hungover again!

That was/is a great motivator for me.

Alochol sucks the life and spirit out of a body.
LibertyorDeath is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 04:59 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
The various labels are really getting to me. Alcoholics can be dry drunks while non-alcoholics can get drunk but still be non-alcoholics the next day. Alcoholics have days of not drinking while non-alcoholics have sober days between drinks. Maybe I'm just too new to all of this but it sounds rather hypocritical in tone.

I need to think more about this.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 05:02 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
BTW, since this seems like a caring and supportive group, xmas day went well and while I had a few glasses of wine with family, the general plan to at least reduce (and hopefully taper) before a consult with my physician this coming week seem to be holding. Sober enough to post this message and no guilt about having a few.
MeAndOnlyMe is offline  
Old 12-25-2009, 05:04 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 204,782
My advice is don't sweat the labels...and don't lose your focus in righteous indignation.
I've done both

To me it need be no more complex than -

I have a problem.
What is my aim here?
how do I get there?

if the taper plan crashes, then do an honest reappraisal
D
Dee74 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:04 AM.