Originally Posted by Bucyn

Is there any here who hasn't been called a control freak? They ALL say that. My stbx AH used to tell lies to his brother about me, he lied, straight out factual lies, not his point of view, not his interpretation, LIE lies. Things like she said this or that or I did this or that, when nothing of the sort happened. Factual, verifiable lies.

I called him on it and he called me a control freak and accused him of trying to control what he said to his brother. Yep, my protesting his lying about me was nothing more than my freakish attempt to control his relationship with his very own brother and interfere. It had no validity at all (interestingly, he was always concerned about what I was saying to my friends and family and VERY offended by what I wrote on anonymous forums).

I was also a control freak because I banned his mother from calling the house phone (she could still call him non stop on his cell and at work), I just didn't want her calling six times in two hours (as she would do) to wail "I'm so bored". Let her annoy him not the rest of us. But of course that was very controlling of me.

I also banned her from sending nonstop cheapo gifts to the kids. I got this idea from his brother who also made her stop buying his son dollar store crap every couple weeks. She would do things like dump out her junk drawer into a box and send it. Once we got all these old AAA maps from the 70's. No, no, no. Stop it. When his brother did it, it was reasonable. When I did it, it was controlling and mean.

When his mother wanted to sew boxer shorts for my kids and I said no, that was controlling too ("Just let her do it, she's trying to be nice"). And when I banned her from our house for 1) inviting herself for a month at a time then wailing that she felt unwelcomed; 2) hitting me in the face; and 3) telling me that if I didn't please her she'd ruin my relationship with my husband, well...banning her from the house was me being controlling too.

Any boundary, protections, limit or consequence I put on her or AH was called controlling. I told him I didn't want sex with a drunk, and enforced that boundary, and he whined I was trying to control him with withholding sex. If told him if he wouldn't pay for the lease on my car he couldn't drive it and he said I was controlling him. I said I wanted him to spend time with him on our honeymoon and again he felt controlled (he wanted to spend time with his mommy and brother).

You must be their slave, or you are being controlling. You must give everything you have to them, or you are controlling. You must dedicate your whole life to them, or you are controlling. You must applaud their every thought, utterance or action, or you are controlling. You must pity them for the special cruelty the world has inflicted on them, or you are controlling them. You must never be angry or disapproving of them, or you are controlling them. If you have any thoughts, feelings, or independence from them, you are controlling them.

(I voted for a different presidential candidate than my DH, and he angrily told me that my vote cancelled out his...months after the election. He said this right out of nowhere in the middle of another argument. His father used to argue with his mother and tell her how she had to vote. I mentioned it to our marriage counselor who looked shocked and amazed, and AH was I think embarassed. He tried to reframe it that it was just a polite discussion but I was being sensitive and unreasonable and ever after that he claimed we couldn't talk about politics any more because of me, and it was just a long list of things we couldn't talk about. I ruined discussions, and to keep the peace he was never allowed to say anything. BS)

These are people who have no control over themselves, so they are desperate to control someone else. They know they have no control over their drinking, they know most people can control their drinking. They know something is wrong with them. They know their lives are spinning out of control...or at least slowly slipping from their grips. They can't control themselves, so they try to control you. Most of us are agreeable people who seem easily controlled, lot of us are easily controlled. Thus they are attracked to us. And part of our attraction is they figure they can control us.

And when they can't, they get angry. Can't control themselves, can't control life, can't control their puppet. Well of the three it seems easiest to get us back in line, so we get bullied.

They call us controlling because they are desperately trying to control something, somebody, since they can't control themselves or that pretty colored liquid in a bottle that everyone else seems to be able to control.

They make random accusations, cycling through a private list of what might work to get us back in line. The accusations have no basis in reality, nor do the alkies care if they do or not. They aren't looking for understanding or closeness or resolution to problems, they are looking for the magic sequence of words that will make you perform your function in their life: to support their drinking, their lifestyle, their egos, their desires.

So they will cycle through a nonsensical list of things that at one point worked on you:

You want sex too much.
You don't want sex enough.
You are too fat.
You are too thin.
You make too much money and think you are better than me.
You don't make enough money and think you are going to live off me.
You are lazy.
You are always busy.
You voted republican.
You voted democratic.

Then you say, "I did NOT vote democratic", and BINGO!! They've got you. They will rail about how nasty democrats are even though they themselves are democrats and you never once voted democratic. It's not about truth, it's about making you defensive, making you fight back so they have the excuse to pour their self hatred on you. They need to vomit, and they want to do it on you rather than themselves, so if it takes "You call too much" to get you to come close enough to vomit on you, they'll say, "You call too much". If it takes, "You don't call me enough", then they'll say, "You don't call enough". Truth is irrelevant: what they want is you to say: "How can you say that, I called..."

The moment you do that, you've been had. You're a goner. You fell right into the trap.

This is why NO CONTACT is so important. You become untouchable. They have to vomit on themselves or find someone else...and it's not easy to find people who will permit themselves to be vomited upon.

Ives, you've done what you can: you alerted the doctors, the authorities, her parents. Now you have to step back.

I'm in your same shoes. My stbx AH is the sole custodial parent of two kids, including my 9 year old stepdaughter...and yet, I see him sitting in a bar almost every evening between 6 and 8:30 (or even as late at 10 pm), at least 4 or 5 nights a week and sometimes 6. Who's cooking them dinner? Who's overlooking the homework, watching tv with them, checking for baths? He's currently mooching off a family, but not (before moving in) close acquaintances of his (and complete strangers to my stepdaughter).

I assume the woman of the house is doing these things, but she has her own kid(s), and they only have 3 bedrooms and 1400 sqft, so I also assume that she must be exasperated at the extra work (especially as my stepdaughter is sweet as can be, but needy and clingy--and that's before stepdau lost her home, her mommy, me, 3 of her brothers, her dog, her neighborhood, her room, her toys, half her clothes, etc...). Why is this man not at home taking care of his kids. Has stepdau lost him too to the bar, and now pretty much dependent on the kindness of strangers? And in a couple months when they move out is stepdaughter going to lose another 'mother'?

I'm just amazed at the selfishness of alcoholics. I really have no sympathy. I do not believe "I can't stop". People stop all the time, millions of people have stopped. And the only difference between those who choose to stop and those who don't is CHOICE.

Stbx AH used to drink at home, at least then he was sort of available to his kids. But now he's not even that. I'm sure it's very uncomfortable living 3 and a half months in someone else's house, eating what they want, working around their schedule, sharing their bathrooms and kitchens, watching what they want to watch on tv, playing and listening to music they choose. So AH flees to the bar, comes back after bedtime and probably watches tv or sits outside and smokes...and his kid suffers terribly.

I know you are frantic to stop what can be lifelong, irrevsersible, severe damage to your daughter. I would be too. I am desperate at what my AH is doing to his daughter. It's like standing outside a burning building and seeing a child at an upstairs window crying and holding their arms out to you--and the police won't let you go into save them...won't let anyone go in.

And you shouldn't go in. Let the trained professionals do it, even if they do nothing. You will make it worse. There is no way you can fix it. Frankly, I believe that people like your GF should be held in a facility and monitored until the baby is born. Maybe not prosecuted and jailed, maybe not held criminally liable for damage to the unborn (altho we do prosecute men who punch women in the stomache or shoot them in the stomache and harm the baby). But if they are drinking and drugging, they should be held in a safe place because they ARE a danger to themselves and another person. JMHO not shared by everyone.

But it's not your call any more. You need to step back and reassess what you are going to do next. You want custody? Talk to a lawyer. Save up lots of money for legal fees and day care. Work overtime. Have basic baby supplies on hand and daycare or family leave arranged. Find out how to get an immediate paternity test (you can't do anything without it). Talk to La Leche League if she is planning on breastfeeding so you can continue it on your visitation. Take parenting classes (this will impress a judge). Learn about fetal alcohol syndrome or the effects of other drugs on babies and newborns. Get prepared. The day after the baby is born, be ready to go before a judge and lay out your case for custody.

But stop harassing her about drinking, stop trying to get her to do the right thing. You have gone as far as you can to help your child at this point. Hand the responsibilty to others and prepare for the next step.

And cut way back on contact with her. Maybe a weekly call, "I'm about to go to the grocery store, need anything? to the pharmacy, need anything?" But stop 'dancing' with her. Stop trying to influence her, and stop letting her influence you. Your dance has turned into a boxing match.

So she calls you controlling? You called her a btch. She's entitled to her opinion and you are entitled to yours. She's not in charge of your character or personality, anymore than you are in charge of hers. Her calling you that, doesn't make you it. Or maybe she's right and you are controlling. Or maybe you aren't generally controlling but the situation is making you crazy and you are acting out in controlling ways. Think about it, but better yet, back away from an ugly situation.

I'm indignant on your behalf. I really am. But there's only so much you can do. You can't influence your child's environment now, but perhaps you can influence it 4 months from now. Concentrate on that.

And in the meantime there's the classic teenager response to hearing stupid comments: "Whatever".

(Feel free to apply that whatever to me too LOL)