How do I respond to being labeled a 'control freak'?`

Old 12-20-2009, 10:25 AM
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How do I respond to being labeled a 'control freak'?`

I have for the most part let my AGF to her own devices lately - I haven't even seen her in two weeks. She has invited me over to her parents for dinner.

But what gets me is, ever since I brought up her drinking, the usual denial and deflection techniques have been thrown out there.

But what gets me is her dreaming up this control crap, all because I dared to question her problem.

I haven't even seen her in two weeks, yet she is insisting I am a control freak.
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Old 12-20-2009, 10:34 AM
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.....and now she's complaining that we don't see each other enough....my head is spinning....
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Old 12-20-2009, 01:22 PM
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I would say that you are setting a boundary. And I would not talk to her if she is drunk. I would only talk to her or see her if she is sober.
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Old 12-20-2009, 01:25 PM
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I am also labelled a control freak because I dare to be unhappy with his addiction problems.

I don't have much to add, just wanted to say I relate very much!
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Old 12-20-2009, 01:39 PM
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Best response I've found to drunk people is "Hunh." or "Oh." "Let me think about that for a while."

Then just let it go or maybe think about it for a while. She may be an alcoholic. You may be a control freak. Everyone has their problems. That's why AlAnon is such a good program for the F&F of alcoholics because it gets us to focus on our problems and our issues. Just as the alcoholic who truly wants recovery cannot blame others for their problems - so the codependent cannot blame the alcoholic or others for their problems.

peace-
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Old 12-20-2009, 01:53 PM
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why don't you try no contact, ives? it's very peaceful!

as long as you continue to engage with her, even if only by phone, email or text, you risk being drawn into the drama again.
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Old 12-20-2009, 02:28 PM
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My using/drinking bf also labels me a control freak. says if he wants to use and I am not there, I am not affected by it. His medical history (including emergency brain surgery, for which I had to fly him to another State), multiple hospital admissions, subsequent detoxes, injuries, assaults etc do not matter. He either refuses to see that his using affects me or he is not able to see that it affects me. And it does affect me by making me feel "less than", not good enough for him. For as much as I know his using has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his addiction, it makes me feel that I am not good enough.
His "control freak" language is really code for leave me alone. We had it out a few weeks ago, after I left for a holiday. I came back and asked him if he used and he said "yes". Then he launched into a monologue about how his using does not affect me if I am not around. This is from a guy who detoxxed at my house the week before and told me he was done. This is a dance, me and the addict, and I confronted him the day after his little monologue. I asked him if I understood him to say that he has a right to use and that his using did not affect me. He told me I was quoting him and twisting his words. I asked him to please clarify so that I understood. Nothing. Then he asked me if I was going to help him with the rent and I hit him with the breakup language so that he understood. I have not spoken with him in 3 weeks. he is out there using. In the past, we have reconciled and he accuses me of breaking up with him in another attempt to control him. When I ask him what it is I am trying to control, he cannot answer. I have responded by acknowledging I can't keep him from the pipe or bottle, and he has made his choice, his priority, clear to me. Of course, he wants me and the drugs and alcohol, but no more. This girl is not waiting and standing second to the crack pipe. I have finally moved on and it is tough, after 6+ years, and I have my codie moments when I miss him so terribly, I want him back. but he has not taken any action, no change and the pain of being with someone who loves being out of control, is too much for me.
You can do it. You can love her but you cannot love her clean and sober. She has to do it on her own, and the more you stay with her, and give her "support", the less likely she is to become motivated to attempt to change.

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Old 12-20-2009, 03:18 PM
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yeah, what naive said.

I don't even talk to AH anymore about his drinking, unless it's to reinforce boundaries, such as, "no drinking around the kids," which he sometimes "forgets." But other than that, I don't think about it, talk to him about it or have to endure it any longer. It's like heaven.
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Old 12-21-2009, 03:21 AM
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I have to put my hand up as a control freak. Like the other poster said, the situation was so crazy, I was trying to stage manage things so that there would be peace and quiet. This is the kind of insane things I used to do to try and keep my husband from drinking.
Plan activities. Didn't matter because he brought the beer along.
Pour the beer out.
Drink the beer myself. Didn't matter, he bought more.

Here are some of the things I used to do to facilitate him passing out.
Feed him. You had to time it right, because too early in the binge, it would give him more staying power. Too late during a binge, he wouldn't want it.
Have sex with him. My skin crawls with disgust now but at the time, I just wanted him to shut up.

Nothing but nothing works and I ended up as insane as him. I did those things even before I had woken up to him being an alcoholic. My whole home life revolved around trying to keep him sober and yet when I first made the call to an addictions counsellor, I was apologetic because I was sure I was wasting their time.
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:01 AM
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Bucyn: Thanks for your eloquent post. I too have found daily contact with my AS too much. He is just not invited into my life while he is in active, untreated addiction even during these holidays. Significant-other relationships are not the only ones in which the addict uses the "you're controlling" card. It happens in any long-term relationship that the addict has.
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:33 AM
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Ican't I really want to thank you for your post. Amazing how someone elses story can either move me to continue blaming my alcoholic (or the energy company or the winter or whom or whatever) or help me step into taking responsibility for myself and refocusing on what I can change.
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Bucyn View Post
  • You want custody? Talk to a lawyer.
  • Save up lots of money for legal fees and day care.
  • Work overtime.
  • Have basic baby supplies on hand and daycare or family leave arranged.
  • Find out how to get an immediate paternity test (you can't do anything without it).
  • Talk to La Leche League if she is planning on breastfeeding so you can continue it on your visitation.
  • Take parenting classes (this will impress a judge).
  • Learn about fetal alcohol syndrome or the effects of other drugs on babies and newborns.
  • Get prepared.
  • The day after the baby is born, be ready to go before a judge and lay out your case for custody.
  • stop harassing her about drinking,
  • And cut way back on contact with her. Maybe a weekly call, "I'm about to go to the grocery store, need anything? to the pharmacy, need anything?"
YES! This is fantastic. Bucyn gave you an awesome grocery list of things to do to prepare for the arrival of your child Ives. I bulleted the list to make it easier to look at.

Essentially, the strategy seems to be to prepare yourself to be a great dad, no matter what the mother does.

If you need information about pregnancy, birth (in ALL its details), and breastfeeding, PM me. I spent a great deal of time researching and amassing resources for myself to prepare for my daughter's arrival. I'd be glad to share them with you. I'll add to Bucyn's list the following items:
  • Research the benefits of attachment parenting (and delayed cord cutting), babywearing and cosleeping...they are immense.
  • If you're interested, look into cloth diapering and EC (elimination communication).
  • Consider what you want to do about vaccination (some parents have begun delaying vaccinations for various health reasons)
  • Talk to a doula to discuss pregnancy, birth and beyond.
  • If your XAGF isn't planning on breastfeeding or if she's unable, contact your local Milkshare to see about obtaining donated breastmilk...it's really the best you can do nutrition wise for your child.
  • If your XAGF is interested in natural birthing, there are TONS of classes out there you can attend with her (Hypnobirthing is become very popular).
  • Also, see in what direction your XAGF is leaning with regards to childbirth and childrearing...try to support her choices.

Bucyn's strategy helps you turn the focus AWAY from your XAGF and back towards yourself and your unborn child. You'd be doing what a lot of us here at SR have struggled with: parenting with an active alcoholic who may or may not cooperate.

I wish you good luck!
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Old 12-21-2009, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Bucyn View Post
Is there any here who hasn't been called a control freak? They ALL say that. My stbx AH used to tell lies to his brother about me, he lied, straight out factual lies, not his point of view, not his interpretation, LIE lies. Things like she said this or that or I did this or that, when nothing of the sort happened. Factual, verifiable lies.

I called him on it and he called me a control freak and accused him of trying to control what he said to his brother. Yep, my protesting his lying about me was nothing more than my freakish attempt to control his relationship with his very own brother and interfere. It had no validity at all (interestingly, he was always concerned about what I was saying to my friends and family and VERY offended by what I wrote on anonymous forums).

I was also a control freak because I banned his mother from calling the house phone (she could still call him non stop on his cell and at work), I just didn't want her calling six times in two hours (as she would do) to wail "I'm so bored". Let her annoy him not the rest of us. But of course that was very controlling of me.

I also banned her from sending nonstop cheapo gifts to the kids. I got this idea from his brother who also made her stop buying his son dollar store crap every couple weeks. She would do things like dump out her junk drawer into a box and send it. Once we got all these old AAA maps from the 70's. No, no, no. Stop it. When his brother did it, it was reasonable. When I did it, it was controlling and mean.

When his mother wanted to sew boxer shorts for my kids and I said no, that was controlling too ("Just let her do it, she's trying to be nice"). And when I banned her from our house for 1) inviting herself for a month at a time then wailing that she felt unwelcomed; 2) hitting me in the face; and 3) telling me that if I didn't please her she'd ruin my relationship with my husband, well...banning her from the house was me being controlling too.

Any boundary, protections, limit or consequence I put on her or AH was called controlling. I told him I didn't want sex with a drunk, and enforced that boundary, and he whined I was trying to control him with withholding sex. If told him if he wouldn't pay for the lease on my car he couldn't drive it and he said I was controlling him. I said I wanted him to spend time with him on our honeymoon and again he felt controlled (he wanted to spend time with his mommy and brother).

You must be their slave, or you are being controlling. You must give everything you have to them, or you are controlling. You must dedicate your whole life to them, or you are controlling. You must applaud their every thought, utterance or action, or you are controlling. You must pity them for the special cruelty the world has inflicted on them, or you are controlling them. You must never be angry or disapproving of them, or you are controlling them. If you have any thoughts, feelings, or independence from them, you are controlling them.

(I voted for a different presidential candidate than my DH, and he angrily told me that my vote cancelled out his...months after the election. He said this right out of nowhere in the middle of another argument. His father used to argue with his mother and tell her how she had to vote. I mentioned it to our marriage counselor who looked shocked and amazed, and AH was I think embarassed. He tried to reframe it that it was just a polite discussion but I was being sensitive and unreasonable and ever after that he claimed we couldn't talk about politics any more because of me, and it was just a long list of things we couldn't talk about. I ruined discussions, and to keep the peace he was never allowed to say anything. BS)

These are people who have no control over themselves, so they are desperate to control someone else. They know they have no control over their drinking, they know most people can control their drinking. They know something is wrong with them. They know their lives are spinning out of control...or at least slowly slipping from their grips. They can't control themselves, so they try to control you. Most of us are agreeable people who seem easily controlled, lot of us are easily controlled. Thus they are attracked to us. And part of our attraction is they figure they can control us.

And when they can't, they get angry. Can't control themselves, can't control life, can't control their puppet. Well of the three it seems easiest to get us back in line, so we get bullied.

They call us controlling because they are desperately trying to control something, somebody, since they can't control themselves or that pretty colored liquid in a bottle that everyone else seems to be able to control.

They make random accusations, cycling through a private list of what might work to get us back in line. The accusations have no basis in reality, nor do the alkies care if they do or not. They aren't looking for understanding or closeness or resolution to problems, they are looking for the magic sequence of words that will make you perform your function in their life: to support their drinking, their lifestyle, their egos, their desires.

So they will cycle through a nonsensical list of things that at one point worked on you:

You want sex too much.
You don't want sex enough.
You are too fat.
You are too thin.
You make too much money and think you are better than me.
You don't make enough money and think you are going to live off me.
You are lazy.
You are always busy.
You voted republican.
You voted democratic.

Then you say, "I did NOT vote democratic", and BINGO!! They've got you. They will rail about how nasty democrats are even though they themselves are democrats and you never once voted democratic. It's not about truth, it's about making you defensive, making you fight back so they have the excuse to pour their self hatred on you. They need to vomit, and they want to do it on you rather than themselves, so if it takes "You call too much" to get you to come close enough to vomit on you, they'll say, "You call too much". If it takes, "You don't call me enough", then they'll say, "You don't call enough". Truth is irrelevant: what they want is you to say: "How can you say that, I called..."

The moment you do that, you've been had. You're a goner. You fell right into the trap.

This is why NO CONTACT is so important. You become untouchable. They have to vomit on themselves or find someone else...and it's not easy to find people who will permit themselves to be vomited upon.

Ives, you've done what you can: you alerted the doctors, the authorities, her parents. Now you have to step back.

I'm in your same shoes. My stbx AH is the sole custodial parent of two kids, including my 9 year old stepdaughter...and yet, I see him sitting in a bar almost every evening between 6 and 8:30 (or even as late at 10 pm), at least 4 or 5 nights a week and sometimes 6. Who's cooking them dinner? Who's overlooking the homework, watching tv with them, checking for baths? He's currently mooching off a family, but not (before moving in) close acquaintances of his (and complete strangers to my stepdaughter).

I assume the woman of the house is doing these things, but she has her own kid(s), and they only have 3 bedrooms and 1400 sqft, so I also assume that she must be exasperated at the extra work (especially as my stepdaughter is sweet as can be, but needy and clingy--and that's before stepdau lost her home, her mommy, me, 3 of her brothers, her dog, her neighborhood, her room, her toys, half her clothes, etc...). Why is this man not at home taking care of his kids. Has stepdau lost him too to the bar, and now pretty much dependent on the kindness of strangers? And in a couple months when they move out is stepdaughter going to lose another 'mother'?

I'm just amazed at the selfishness of alcoholics. I really have no sympathy. I do not believe "I can't stop". People stop all the time, millions of people have stopped. And the only difference between those who choose to stop and those who don't is CHOICE.

Stbx AH used to drink at home, at least then he was sort of available to his kids. But now he's not even that. I'm sure it's very uncomfortable living 3 and a half months in someone else's house, eating what they want, working around their schedule, sharing their bathrooms and kitchens, watching what they want to watch on tv, playing and listening to music they choose. So AH flees to the bar, comes back after bedtime and probably watches tv or sits outside and smokes...and his kid suffers terribly.

I know you are frantic to stop what can be lifelong, irrevsersible, severe damage to your daughter. I would be too. I am desperate at what my AH is doing to his daughter. It's like standing outside a burning building and seeing a child at an upstairs window crying and holding their arms out to you--and the police won't let you go into save them...won't let anyone go in.

And you shouldn't go in. Let the trained professionals do it, even if they do nothing. You will make it worse. There is no way you can fix it. Frankly, I believe that people like your GF should be held in a facility and monitored until the baby is born. Maybe not prosecuted and jailed, maybe not held criminally liable for damage to the unborn (altho we do prosecute men who punch women in the stomache or shoot them in the stomache and harm the baby). But if they are drinking and drugging, they should be held in a safe place because they ARE a danger to themselves and another person. JMHO not shared by everyone.

But it's not your call any more. You need to step back and reassess what you are going to do next. You want custody? Talk to a lawyer. Save up lots of money for legal fees and day care. Work overtime. Have basic baby supplies on hand and daycare or family leave arranged. Find out how to get an immediate paternity test (you can't do anything without it). Talk to La Leche League if she is planning on breastfeeding so you can continue it on your visitation. Take parenting classes (this will impress a judge). Learn about fetal alcohol syndrome or the effects of other drugs on babies and newborns. Get prepared. The day after the baby is born, be ready to go before a judge and lay out your case for custody.

But stop harassing her about drinking, stop trying to get her to do the right thing. You have gone as far as you can to help your child at this point. Hand the responsibilty to others and prepare for the next step.

And cut way back on contact with her. Maybe a weekly call, "I'm about to go to the grocery store, need anything? to the pharmacy, need anything?" But stop 'dancing' with her. Stop trying to influence her, and stop letting her influence you. Your dance has turned into a boxing match.

So she calls you controlling? You called her a btch. She's entitled to her opinion and you are entitled to yours. She's not in charge of your character or personality, anymore than you are in charge of hers. Her calling you that, doesn't make you it. Or maybe she's right and you are controlling. Or maybe you aren't generally controlling but the situation is making you crazy and you are acting out in controlling ways. Think about it, but better yet, back away from an ugly situation.

I'm indignant on your behalf. I really am. But there's only so much you can do. You can't influence your child's environment now, but perhaps you can influence it 4 months from now. Concentrate on that.

And in the meantime there's the classic teenager response to hearing stupid comments: "Whatever".

(Feel free to apply that whatever to me too LOL)
Damn. Just damn. That is one helluva post!
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:20 AM
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I was a control freak because I didn't want X sleeping with my friends!
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by wanting View Post
I was a control freak because I didn't want X sleeping with my friends!
Oh my god, WANTING, how DARE YOU be such a controlling fiend??!! hehehe
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:33 AM
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Oh I am now having problems between being perceived as "controlling" and placing boundaries that if I am honest are not way beyond what any normal person would need. But I prefer to be called controlling than being called a doormat!

I am not sure where things got so messy but I know spending LOTS of time alone and doing or planning how to do, stuff that I enjoy, is my salvation... and yes those comments reminded me of being told I was a coward then being told I was brave.

"Whatever" LOL, if you know who you are, those comments are even laughable often I have paid attention to what everybody says to others and its so transparent what they say (and the tone) is not to others but themselves... thus the judgamental voice "you are this and that and not enough this and too much that.." is how they live. Its a miserable place and I am trying not to live there anymore...

Keep moving foward in the direction of your dreams... don't be distracted by others suffering and drama. It is not yours...
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Old 12-21-2009, 12:22 PM
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Well, I haven't seen mine in two weeks. Haven't called either. I only have had contact with her via email. This is the way to go for now. She will sit and stew in her juices and the situation that she has put herself in - namely, she is alone. The merry go round of my enabling her has stopped and I got off. She is kind of left spinning because I also have noticed these more frequent provocations. She is now sounding like a drowning woman, resorting to outright lies....today she said she had several invites to Christmas events but 'declined' because she did not want to 'cause trouble' blatant provocation for a reaction. Trying to guilt me by saying things like, "I'm putting on a plastic smile". She has learned all the 12 step talking points etc. Hell she has even gone so far as to say it is me with the drinking problem.

She is very confused about my abrubt change in behaviour, I can certainly tell that much. No more enabling, no more provocation.....and no more reactions from me with regard to her BS. She now states she has quit drinking. There simply isn't anyone left willing to play her silly little game, she knows it, and that's why the provocations are getting more and more ridiculous. I'm actually finding some of them laughable. She hasn't been able to start one argument.

Now if she does drink, she risks her parents finding out, and worse for her, her obstetrician finding out. She has actually effectively boxed herself into a corner. Her parents won't give her any money, I don't give her any money, she is essentially fending for herself with only social assistance keeping a roof over her head. All the while remaining indignant, and arrogant, that she is 'taking care of herself and her boy just fine.' lol. It's really transparent though.

Maybe now she understands just how close to the edge she is walking. Sucks to be isolated, sucks to be her......but she made this little mess for herself and has only herself to blame, and she knows it.
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Old 12-21-2009, 12:45 PM
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I was a control freak, mad, killjoy, all sorts of things... nothing wrong with him...even our mutal friends believed it for a while until they got to know him and me...they have been my greatest supporters through a very rough time.... Lillyx
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Old 12-21-2009, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Lilly Burn View Post
I was a control freak, mad, killjoy, all sorts of things... nothing wrong with him...even our mutal friends believed it for a while until they got to know him and me...they have been my greatest supporters through a very rough time.... Lillyx
I find it funny, we have mutual friends. There are two that enable her bigtime. These are now 'her' friends. She refers to them as 'her' friends even though I have known them longer!

She has turned one woman who is also an alcoholic enabler against me. She outright hates me even though.......she has never even met me. Only based on my GF complaining about me getting on her case about not drinking.....although, she doesn't call it that, she says the magic words that women hate hearing about men.....'abusive control freak'. All cause I dared question her drinking.

All the friends she has kept are enablers and they keep that merry go round spinning for her, but alas, they can't be there all the time to give her a spin, and seeing as I am not anymore.....well, she's in a bit of a jam.
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Old 12-21-2009, 12:59 PM
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Thats the thing isnt it Ives,, they have never met you!!! Our As are very good at spinning a story, making us sound like the ones in the wrong, purely and I mean purely to allow them to drink, we are the party poopers, I drink, i enjoy a good time, but i know when to stop, how boring is that to an A....forget her enablers, they are the same as her, they dont know you and they are all out for themselves in the end..there will be no real loyalty there...you care and are concerned, they are not, they simply want to justify themselves through someone else...we know this....its terribly sad, it hurts, but really how can someone hate you without ever having met you, what does that say about the person!!! Let her fall on her own sword, you might be there to pick up the pieces, but be careful if you do.. wishing you peace...Lilly x
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